2011/12 Kits: Manchester United, Barcelona, Real Madrid and the Rest

A few days ago, I wrote a short article about Chelsea's new kit for the 2011/12 season. If you read it, you know that I have very strong feelings against the away jersey. Not only will I now have to sweat over the thought of my team playing in hostile and unruly environments, but they will look downright terrible doing it.

It is obvious why teams unveil new kits every season: for money. But what is not as obvious is why they choose such awful-looking designs. I am not sure if it's the team or the company that hires the designer, but both have final say in it and I don't understand for the life of me who would want their name on some of these jerseys.

It just baffles me that a sport that takes so much pride in reflecting on and recognizing its history, to the point where getting calls right using goal-line technology is sacrilege, is perfectly accepting of the transformative (perhaps "devolving" is a better word) nature of the way we recognize our teams.

On the other hand, some squads remain classy and keep suits that are respectful to both the game and their team's heritage.

Here is a look at some of the very best and worst kits for the 2011/12 season, from around the globe.

AC Milan: Third

Apparently Milan has decided that they are the team that represents Italy by putting the flag in not one, but two places on their jersey.

I feel like the stripe across the chest was inspired by the bumper sticker that every single fourth-generation Italian immigrant with a chinstrap goatee living in Long Island has.

AJ Auxerre: Away

When did the kit designer for Auxerre get into my father's golf shirts?

Arsenal: Away

The colors are atrocious and make these kids look even younger than they really are. My little brother painted his room this color when he was 10 and changed it two years later after realizing that he was on the verge of being a teenager.

Nice touch on the new emblem though. But someone should tell Arsene that just because his team wears a big-boy-looking shield does not mean they will finally play like grown-ups.

Nevertheless, it is very flashy and gaudy, but without any results it won't mean anything. I call this the Kim Jong-Il effect.

Aston Villa: Home

This is a nice-looking jersey!

The subtle checkered shades of red behind the clear, but unobtrusive sponsorship.

Kudos Aston Villa! May your choice of jersey not be the highlight of your season.

Athletic Bilbao: Away

I just bought this same exact shirt at Urban Outfitters. Should have waited until this came out; would have probably been cheaper.

Barelona: Home

Barcelona could go out on the field in a clown outfit (minus the clown shoes) and still look better than any team in the world. The thin lines that get increasingly more thick are not far off from that.

The UNICEF logo is now on the lower back. Publicly the move is because Barca needed to help relieve some financial troubles. But a recently discovered email showed that a petition from impoverished African children asked to not be represented on the front of this design, citing that they already suffer enough (kidding).

It looks like a bar graph for the team's financial debt.

Bayern Munich: Away

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."Butt."

Birmingham: Third

I kind of like this one. The yellow is mild enough that it does not burn your retinas and it is nice to see a sponsor that does not overwhelm the team logo.

Doesn't really matter how I feel anyway since they got freakin' relegated!

Borudeaux: Home

It looks like the designer was painting his home with an old jersey on when he came up with this one.

Absolutely dreadful!

Celtic: Third

Can't wait to see a bunch of overweight Scots with enormous beer bellies donning this outfit. Celtic Park is going to look like a giant beehive. And not full of venomous wasps, but rather fuzzy bumble bees. You know, the one's that preteen girls dress up as for Halloween.

To further the analogy, the diehard supporters' chants will be as loud and overwhelming as the buzzing from a hive. And their accents will make it just as clear and understandable.

Chelsea: Away

Here is the Chelsea jersey I was ranting about on the introductory slide. Was I wrong?

It looks like they are trying to do some kind of cross promotion between Tron: Legacy and Samsung. I don't know what Abramovich was thinking when he approved this, but he must have been hittin' the vodka pretty hard that day.

Or perhaps his wife, the artist/fashion designer/photographer/curator/hot chick who gets what she wants, had her say in this. It kind of has a Picasso feel to it, you know? When he was going through his cubist phase.

I think I found the reason why Chelsea is having such a hard time signing players.

Copenhagen

It is easy to appease everyone when you have 15 different jerseys. At least Copenhagen had the good sense to make them all look respectable.

Corinthians: Third

I don't even know where to begin on this one.

What do European knights fighting Chinese dragons have to do with Sao Paulo?

Tevez might reconsider his request to move to the team after seeing this.

Cruzeiro

The tall guy on the left reminds me of a European serf of the 1600s in his cream-colored shirt. The short guy on the right has more of a Tolkien hobbit feel.

But these laces may seem to suggest something that will excite Cruzeiro fans: the return of Ronaldo. Finally they have a jersey that can adjust to the aging strikers ever-expanding chest and man boobs.

Espanyol

The only thing better than the jersey is this diversified and politically correct picture.

Everton: Goalkeeper

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

This has to be one of the stupidest and most horrendous ideas for a goalie jersey ever. The neon-colored rainbows that the keepers of the '80s and early '90s wore were awful, but at least you could see them.

Is the plan to have Howard lay on the ground on spot kicks, so the shooter won't be able to know where he is standing?

I always thought the goalie was supposed to stand out from the rest, not blend into the background.

The only way this makes sense is if Everton has some inside news that the US is planning a draft for the Afghan War and Howard wants to save some time in getting ready as he jets back and forth between Kabul and Liverpool.

Disgusting and tasteless Everton, truly!

Galatasaray SK

Of all the teams on this list, Galatasaray are the ones that may get it the most. It is not about being new and fancy and flashy.

It's about staying true to your team and its history. Keeping the colors in mind and make small changes that suggest your team is evolving, not changing.

Well done Galatasaray, well done indeed!

Genoa: Home

For some reason I think this jersey would look much MUCH better if you took all the guys out of the picture...

Genoa: Home Edited

...Ah much better!

Getafe

Quite possibly the single worst shirt deal in the history of professional athletics.

The colors kind of match the food of Burger King though: blue for their cups, yellow for the french fries, pink for the strawberry milkshakes and black for the hamburgers.

Hamburg: Away

Classy is the only thing I can say about this.

Inter Milan: Home

Inter could get C. Ronaldo, Messi, Wayne Rooney and invent a time machine to bring back the Pele of the 1960s and this jersey would still be their biggest improvement, over that dragon thing they had last year.

Juventus: Home

I have not been able to confirm it yet, but it is between this one and one similar to the Barca one, but in Juve colors.

I think they will ultimately decide on this one. It makes more sense. The blurred stripes will create the illusion that they are much faster than they really are. Del Piero usually clocks out at five mph on his motorized wheelchair, but now he will look like he is doing upwards of seven mph!

Juventus: Away

Are you serious Juventus?

We will ignore the star that even a youth girls team would think is over the top and just focus on the color. You guys know there are only two places pink belongs on a soccer field: in Alex Morgan's bra and...

Palermo: Home

....Palermo.

Keep it real Rosanero.

Kaiser Chiefs: Home

Love this one!

It is extravagant and bold, but it fits the tradition of the team.

Levante

Quite a variation from kit to kit. Overall they seem to work and the sponsors logo really brings out the near tropical vibe the city has.

Lille: Away

I must say I am quite a fan of this look. I have always liked shades of blue. The sponsor is a little big, but I don't know what it is so it does not bother me. Now that they are the French champs they are dressing like one as well.

Liverpool: Away

These are just plain disgusting. Nothing about this at all suggests Liverpool.

Liverpool players may "Never Walk Alone," but no one ever said they would look good doing it.

And it's so sad too; this team was really turning it around toward the end of last year. Many thought they would finally re-establish themselves as true title contenders. Now they will just look like street hustlers in tight white shirts with baggy pants.

On the bright side, if Dirk Kuyt is too embarrassed to wear this uniform, he could always be a stunt double for Owen Wilson.

Lyon: Away

You can tell Lyon are angry at going three years in a row without a French title. They have unveiled one of the classiest, sexiest and most professional jerseys I have yet to see.

The red piping running up the abs toward the subtle shoulder stripes give a nice change of pattern to the deep, rich navy blue.

And their logo? It's always difficult to change the symbol for you team without humiliating it, but this was done with the utmost care.

I wonder if I will see anything else that is better...OH WAIT...

Lyon: Home

...I approve.

Manchester City: Home

The speckled pattern on front is interesting and unique. But why the heck is this Iggy Pop wannabe standing next to it?

Manchester United: Third

How in the world does Manchester United do a better job of using blue than Chelsea?!

Marseille: Away

I have stared at this jersey for seven hours straight. I blacked out twice, went blind momentarily four times and saw my own death once. And yet I still cannot see the image. God I hate these 3D pictures!

Newcastle: Third?

I am not positive that this is the third jersey for Newcastle for next season, but if it is then they did well.

After a season absent in the Premier League, they came back and established themselves in the middle of the table. This year they are planning on moving up by making an assault on the top clubs.

But first an assault on their fan's bank accounts.

PSV: Away

I cannot believe it, but I actually like this one. I don't know how to explain it.

Should be fun for opposing teams to guard something that makes me nauseous as I try to focus on each square.

Rangers: Away

Not only are they in ascending height from left to right, but they seem to be well aware of it (look at their smiles).

They finished top of the league last season, but all I can see now is red, white and blue. Those colors don't bode well for any soccer team. Trust me!

Real Betis: Home

Traditional, pure, beautiful.

Real Madrid: Away

I hate Madrid with all my heart, but I really can't say anything bad about this jersey.

I mean, it matches the color of their souls, it represents the bottomless pit they are trying to climb out of to catch Barca and is the closest they will ever come to having gold around their necks.

If La Liga was a fashion competition, they would be Barcelona.

Real Valladolid: Away

You can really see that Kappa has been affected by the popularity of the Women's World Cup. They apparently design their jersey's now for unisex use. With broad shoulders to fit any man and proper support in the chest for the ladies.

SC Freiburg: Home

For the life of me I cannot figure out what it is about these particular jerseys I like so much. Hmmm...

Sporting Gijon: Home

The jersey and design itself are not that bad, but whoever came up with the idea of integrating the sponsor into the pattern is a moron.

It looks like they took a red licorice rope, smelled out the name and flattened it on to the chest.

St. Pauli: Third?

The Bundesliga side that finished dead last last season and was relegated to the second division picked a color that was more similar to the quality of their play...

Swansea: Home

Swansea is probably going to get relegated. But they may go down in history as the best-dressed team ever to do so.

Valencia

Just colors, nothing special.

In soccer, sometimes that's all you need to establish yourself with a lasting look. Hopefully Juan Mata stays because he will look better in these shirts than any of the others he is rumored to be in.

They may be the best of the rest in La Liga, but on the runway they could take top billing.

Werder Bremen

The green is OK, but the orange is atrocious.

The picture itself is poorly choreographed. Between the colors and the looks on the faces of the men, it looks like they asked the groundskeeper and his workers to put on the jerseys for a quick shot.