World Football: The 9 Most Boring (But Effective) Players in Circulation

Football's designed as a spectacle, based on the economic paradigm that people will shell out loads of cash to be entertained for a couple of hours. And contrary to what certain penny-pinching managers would have you believe, it's a recession-proof cash cow.

But by extension, wouldn't that model require a game of pure, unalloyed attack, preferably in the 1-1-9 formation? Wouldn't the public demand that their teams exclusively field fantasistas and number 10's?

 No. Why? People like watching their team win. And as much as it may burn, winning means sacrificing just the right degree of flair for just the right degree of pragmatism (listening, Wenger?). Somebody has to, because every kid pretends to be Messi- but somebody has to be  Busquets.

As it is, certain positions are more boring than others. Personally, I do find the center-back's job as the last line of defense to be pretty cool to watch in action, while attack...well everyone loves a good winger. The point is that boring players cluster at certain positions on the field. That's a reality.

So here is a list of the 9 dullest players currently playing that are very, very good at what they do. The ranking is adjudicated by the sheer boringness of their play weighed against their ability- call it an entertainment net worth. Trust me, there's bullet-proof science going on behind the scenes here.

So here it is. Drum roll please...

9. Sami Khedira

Mourinho’s man in the middle. Sami Khedira came ready-made for the Special One’s trademark 4-2-3-1 formation, insulating Xabi Alonso against wayward opponents and generally being a boss. Straightforward, industrious(god, that adjective is cropping up everywhere in this article), Khedira’s a dynamic but ever reliable box-to-box kind of guy, perfect for a certain demanding Portuguese. That said, not a lot of people out there wearing Khedira jerseys.

8. Sven Bender

One man’s injury is another’s fortune. At the beginning of the 10/11 season neither Sven Bender nor Borussia Dortmund fans expected anything more than a backing role for the 22 year old Bavarian, but fate and Sebastian Kehl’s fragile hip flexor conspired otherwise. Gifted continuity in the starting eleven, Sven has repaid coach Jurgen Klopp’s faith in full this year; paired at the side of the inventive playmaker Nuri Sahin (now of Real Madrid) Bender provided the pressing and tempo demanded by Dortmund’s accelerated rhythm. Ironically, when Bender is at his best one almost does not register his presence, as he prefers preemptive interceptions to roughhouse tackling; as a result, many of Borussia’s counterattacks start at his feet. Add his total lack of flair to Die Borussen’s historic title and we have a winner!

7. Bruno Soriano

Actually allergic to scoring goals. Over the entirety of his playing career (119 appearance in the league, starting in 2006), Bruno Soriano of Villareal has never scored a goal. Admittedly, he’s got Giuseppe Rossi for that (for how long, you may ask), but still.
Goal drought aside, Bruno Soriano has been the absolute man at Villareal, bolstering a solid Europa League run and a respectable 4th place finish.  He logged the second most minutes of playing time in La Liga (3,274) and had the highest number of succesfull passages outside the top two clubs. Rare is the careless possession.

In any other time period, Soriano would be a shoe-in for the Spanish national team, but methinks they have a glut of midfielders you may be familiar with...

6. Lucas Leiva

The man the Kop-enders (once) loved to hate, Lucas Leiva has slowly eked his way into the Anfield heart after an impressive season saw Lucas-with Raul Meireles at his side- deputize a Gerrad-less Liverpool. Brazilian in name only, Lucas totally lacks those skill sets stereotypical of the South American nation, but his marathoner’s endurance and tenacious physicality tallied him the most successful tackles in the Premier League (111). This season he did grab a pair of assists and a goal- his first ever, totally worth the wait- but those three highlight reels were the exception to the rule. Generally Lucas does the dirty work off which others can work- appreciable, but just no fun to watch.

5. Darren Fletcher

Ah yes..Darren Fletcher. It’s took some time for United fans to get around to liking the contentious Scotsman, but now you’ll hear them cringe with his every absence. You’ve heard it all before. Energy to burn(literally), a primal urgency to win and a knack for getting the ball to better players. Repeat. Best of all, he does it when it matters.

A mystery illness took him out for several months, but when he’s healthy, Ferguson himself has stated Fletcher is an immediate pick for the center of the park.

4. Mark Van Bommel

The veteran Dutchman moved to Serie A and Milan this January and proved to be yet another of Adriano Galliani’s inspired signings. Van Bommel shored up the Milan’s midfield feom January on, just as Gattuso and Flamini began to lose steam. Cup-tied from his games at Bayern, his absence at home and in London against Tottenham was keenly felt by the Rossoneri faithful after he had so quickly cemented his place in the starting 11. Notoriously tough, the only fun one has watching the Dutchman play comes at the expense of opponents' kneecaps and cruciate ligaments. He does not play around. The midfield enforcer par excellence, this years performance has earned this long in the tooth gentleman a spot in this most prestigious of lists.

3. Branislav Ivanovic

Yes, he’s a center back transplanted into a right-back’s body. That’s not his fault. Nor does it count against him. Ivanovic scooted out right after Bosingwa’s injury and precipitous decline in form some time ago and the Blues haven’t looked back since. Yes, he can provide crosses, but his real function is to plug leaks, which he is more than capable of. Always defensively sound and reasonable going forward, the Serbian has been a bright spot in an otherwise diminished back four at Chelsea, but one will never accuse him of showboating.

2. Park Ji-Sung

A real work-horse”, “never-say-die attitude” and “dear God it’s a T-1000” are always the mark of that player who tries his best, leaves it all out on the field and...well that’s about it. A there is no one about whom such comments are made more frequently than Park Ji-Sung. The Korean hears these verbal pats on the back any time he is on the ball.

Of course, there’s not a whole lot else to say- speed and a supernatural willingness to run himself into the ground remain Park’s salient qualities. Will he fill that gaping hole in the collective United heart that a certain Ronaldo so callously left behind? Of course not. But that’s not really his job. Park is meant to run up, down, and across the field at the same time, harrying opponents into losing the ball (that’s why he was picked over Nani for a starting role in the Champions League final). Besides that, he’s got a decent cross and did a wonderful job of opening up the Asian markets for the Red Devils. Oh, did I mention he likes to run?

1. Sergio Busquets

Poor Sergio Busquets.

When you play for the team of the decade, side by side with the likes of Xavi and Iniesta, you may develop some sort of complex.

Not that the Spaniard’s complaining—he’s got two Champions League titles and a World Cup trophy for his troubles, and at the tender age of 22, he’s got plenty of time to add to his mantelpiece.

Maybe it’s exactly because he contrasts so sharply with his more celebrated companions that it exacerbates the sheer, monumental dullness of his game, but there’s no denying it—when you watch a Barca game, nobody, and I mean nobody, is rooting for Busquets to get more of the ball.

None of of this should be construed as an insult to Busquets, by the way. For what his job requires—hold down midfield and get the ball to Xavi/Iniesta—he plays superbly. Like all Barcelona players, he is supremely calm on the ball, tactful and never rushed.

Besides have a keen eye for interceptions, he provides that little oomph in the middle of the park necessary to tether his more lightfooted teammates to earth and is comfortable playing in the center of defense as well.

For that, and for a sterling list of accomplishments, Sergio Busquets has the dubious honor of being named the Dullest (but Most Effective) Player in the World.

Now please pass to Messi.