Adam Mair, The Phillies, and The Matt Cassel Theory—31 Scary Halloween Ideas
If you don't know that tomorrow is Halloween, then someone had a bit too long of a nap between Game Five and Game 5.2 of the World Series this week.
With the scariest day of the year tomorrow (and the one night that you shouldn't leave pumpkins, eggs, or your grandmother out on your front porch tonight), I've reprised a little tradition I've had the past few years: The 31 Scariest Things of the Sports World.
Here we go...
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1. Amare Stoudemire's Brand New Sports Goggles: I don't think there's ever been a positive to someone donning the "sports goggles," just ask Eric Gagne. Amare's meanwhile have me worried. If you haven't seen them, they look like Dolce and Gabbana (I had to Google this to spell it correctly, so don't get any ideas) designer shades which worries me for two reasons:
1) People that have no discernable connection to sports are going to start wearing them, turning the idea of the eye protection into a novelty.
2) Kids everywhere are going to be begging their parents for them, leading us into the most style-oriented generation of sports stars ever. This worries me.
That and Rip Hamilton may file for copyright infringement.
2. The umpiring was so atrocious in the World Series even I was complaining: That's right, I finally had it last night and it only took 3 1/2 innings.
I know that there's no exact rule on check swings—it's basically if the umpire deems that you went around—but I've never seen two "called strike on the swing" calls quite as bad as the two on Eric Hinske and Chase Utley last night. Granted you would've thought something else would've put me over the edge, but no. It was that.
I'm not sure what to believe in anymore.
3. Brad Lidge had a "perfect season": The New England Patriots can't seal the deal but Brad Lidge can? I'm offended. What good is Tom Brady's chin dimple now? It just got outdone by Brad Lidge doing this...
4. Speaking of Brady, what do we NOT know about his knee?: Seriously, what is his surgery mark at right now? Five? Was Eric Mangini the head surgeon or something? I think I'd rather have Dr. Nick Riviera doing the surgery on Brady after this chain of events.
All of the sudden last season's Matt Cassel theory doesn't seem so crazy...
5. How come all of these random milestones happen against the Leafs?: So let me get this straight: Steven Stamkos doesn't score in his first seven NHL games, and all of the sudden he barely taps a puck and gets an assist against Toronto?
Why don't we just face off against Eric Godard every night? I'm sure he'd grab himself a hat trick. Or he'd destroy Matt Stajan's face...one of the two.
6. What happens on the bottom of a baseball pileup?: I started wondering this at the end of the Phillies/Rays game last night: If baseball players just slap each other on the rear-end when they're getting pulled from a game, what goes on down there?
I guess we can take solace in the fact that Carlos Ruiz was wearing protection.
7. What would happen if Scott Boras and Drew Rosenhaus made an illegitimate love-child?: This was originally "How much money is Manny going to make?" and while the alliteration was charming, the idea of this is frightening and hilarious. Would they create the first-ever $30-million dollar bill?
The better question is who's face would be on it? I say Johnny Depp for two reasons:
1) He's getting paid twice that much to star in Pirates of the Caribbean Four
2) I think it would be hilarious to watch all of these stars go broke thanks to their wives wanting to spend all day at the mall with Johnny.
8. The Tennessee Titans are undefeated: I'm sorry...what? I think this only bothers me because Kerry Collins is the starting quarterback.
9. If the Philadelphia Phillies hadn't won a championship since 1908, how bad would this "drought" have been?: I'm not saying that Philadelphia doesn't deserve a championship, but even though it had been 28 years since the Phillies last won, this was on par with the idea of the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series—that's how passionate and heart-broken the fans of sports in this city—not just of a franchise but a city—are.
Imagine the insanity if this had been 100 years in the making.
10. Is Greg Oden made of glass?: On the bright side, you at least got to see him for one game this season Trail Blazers' fans. You can't be serious though: Out another 2-4 weeks?!? Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll play a full season by the age of 28.
11. How much are Toronto Maple Leafs tickets going to cost now?: Forbes just announced the Leafs as the most valuable franchise in the NHL, about $30-million more than the closest competitor. Tickets already average $90 so how much worse is this going to get?
People are worried about the economic emergency ruining the rest of the world, but what about the people in Toronto. The rate of homeless people will rise, the average education level will drop, and strippers will be at an all-time low for income if the tickets go up any more.
To the City of Toronto: Don't let this happen! Save yourselves now!! (and give me your spare tickets!!) And Most importantly: Save the education board because children are our future!!!
And you thought I was going to say something about how society needs strippers. I'm smarter than that you know. Mainly because I have no idea if my girlfriend reads my column...
12. How often is the "Rocky" theme going to be played now?: Was I imagining it being piped through the loudspeakers at Citizens Bank Park? Is this going to become a trend if Philadelphia teams keep winning?
Are the Philadelphia Flyers going to revert to running people, only to have them return later in the game to the "Rocky" song blaring? Was Donovan McNabb's clock-management problem in the Super Bowl because he wasn't jamming to this on his iPod in the huddle? Could this be the song that turns around the Philadelphia sports world and no one had tried it until now?
Somewhere Sylvester Stallone is mumbling quietly to himself in a corner smirking.
13. Can Filip Kuba break Bobby Orr's assists record?: The record is 102 in a season, and Kuba has 11 in nine games, meaning he's on-pace for 100. This is another one of those "we can't let this happen" kind of things.
Speaking of the Flyers and their random suspensions: Where are the Philadelphia Flyers when we need them?
14. How much longer is Brad Johnson going to start?: Seriously? This is about as bad as Gus Frerotte and Kerry Collins starting in this league. Oh wait, it's worse—Johnson is putting on this display of ineptitude with a much better receiving core than either of these two Quarterbacks.
What bothers me about this entire situation is Terrell Owens: First he liked Jeff Garcia, then he hated him. Then he liked McNabb, but now he hates him. Last year Tony Romo was his boy, and this season 20 balls a game ain't good enough. Now? It's "we just gotta make the best of it with Brad". If this goes on for another three quarters, Owens is going to start trying to crush Johnson's skull by setting it on his abs and doing crunches in his laneway.
Actually, I'd like to ammend this fear: How many plays into Sunday's game before Terrell Owen's ego eats Brad Johnson. I hear Daunte Culpepper is still available...
15. How angry can Adam Mair get?: I'm sorry but this was sweet. I can't wait for the Sens and the Sabres to play again, just to see what happens.
Random question: Could Adam Mair defeat Chuck Norris in a shouting match?
Reason why it sucks to be a Leafs fan: You regret trading away Adam Mair. Not just because you lost a good energy guy who was starting to earn his fandom in this market before he was sent packing to L.A., but because he's the reason we had to put up with Aki Berg.
And did you know that Aki Berg was a third overall draft pick of the Kings 1995? These are things I think you should know.
16. Ryan Hollweg got an assist last night: I took some time and thought about this one and yes, it still scares me.
Despite the fact he got demolished in a fight with Mike Rupp last night, Hollweg's assist will probably lead Ron Wilson to thinking "Hey...he can produce...let's play him more."
On the bright side, the more he plays, the closer he gets to that 90 game suspension for being Ryan Hollweg.
On the not so bright side, if we had never traded away Adam Mair we may have never had to sit through this whole "Ryan Hollweg" thing. That's right. It's not an era, timeframe, or situation...it's a thing.
Here's wishing Aki Berg would've never been drafted...
17. Could this be the season we see TWO 0-16 teams in the NFL?: Seriously...Ryan Fitzpatrick and Dan Orlovsky? These are the two Quarterbacks standing in the way of this? I think I'd win more money if I put a bet on one of these teams winning a game than if I were to be that Brett Favre will retire, unretire, retire, try out for Dancing with the Stars, unretire, and then play for the CFL next season.
Actually, we'll call that a push.
On the bright side, we're only a Chicago Bears collapse away from a corny headline on draft day reading: "Lions and Tigers, and Bears Oh My: Detroit, Cincy, and Chicago pick one, two, three in this year's draft".
18. Claude Lemieux is trying to make a comeback to the NHL: Seriously? He thinks he can come back? Claude...YOU'RE 45!
Then again, if I was Kris Draper, I may be a little worried.
19. Who (or what) is hiding in Eric Bruntlett's beard?: Aside from the horrid weather in Game Five, this was the most memorable moment of the entire series: looking out into the field and just seeing Bruntlett and his beard.
My favorite Beardlett moment? TBS was showing shots of the outfielders and Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth were trying to keep their hands warm while Bruntlett was just standing there, warm as can be, thanks to his beard.
And my grandmother thinks facial hair is disgusting...What's a little egg in the beard if it keeps you warm?
20. New Orleans is 4-4 with Drew Brees playing like he is: Brees is on pace to tie his completions record from last season (440), he's got over 2,500 yards at the halfway mark (the record is just over 5,000), and while it's not a record, Brees is on pace for 30 touchdowns. And this team is .500?
I guess this speaks volumes about the value of defense.
21. Who retires first: Brett Favre, Kurt Warner, or Vince Young?: Kurt Warner battled with the decision a few weeks ago, Brett Favre battled with the decision (and kind of made it which should disqualify him but it doesn't) all through the offseason, and Vince Young wanted to retire from the NFL before he was even drafted; just ask his mom.
The prospect of this isn't really scary, but think about this: If all three of them retire, we'll be subjected to more of those Just for Men hair color commercials, more Viagara spots, and probably more comeback rumors. That and Fox (or ESPN) would have themselves three new NFL analysts.
22. There are 13 new Japanese Imports ready to sign on with Major League Baseball: I don't know how good Kenshin Kawakami and Koji Uehara are going to be, but before they even get paid, the teams have to pay to talk to them.
Remember when the Boston Red Sox paid $51 million just to talk to Dice-K? How high are these "negotiating rights" prices going to climb?
I think I hear Theo Epstein withdrawing some Johnny Depp's from the bank...
23. Marian Gaborik and his mysterious "lower body injury": Does this not happen every year? Should we not have expected this? Should I have known better when I traded for Gabby?
The answer to all three of these questions is yes, and I'm still hoping that Nathan Horton, Ed Jovanovski, and Cam Ward all mysteriously decide to go and play in the KHL so I feel better about the trade in Bleacher Report's fantasy hockey league.
On the bright side I got Mike Knuble—one of the streakiest goal scorers in Fantasy Hockey History—and Nikolai Khabibulin. You know, the guy that's actually going to leave the NHL for the KHL?
I'm also in the market for land in Alaska if anyone's selling.
24. Alexander Ovechkin's performance: I can't be the only one who's perturbed by this can I? To further compound Ovechkin's season, he missed Tuesday's game to be with his ailing grandfather, which would weigh heavily on anyone's mind.
The other scary thing to come from this aside from Ovechkin's under-performance? Alexander Semin is the Evgeni Malkin of the Washington Capitals (Lose your star and look at who steps up), and the Capitals are still winning games, 1-point ahead of the Carolina Hurricanes for the division lead.
25. The Toronto Maple Leafs: They're scaring me because I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up for this team. It's a big rebuilding year, the kids are working hard (which is great to see), and they're winning games (which is super).
I'm just afraid of having my heart broken in April once again if they miss the playoffs by a point or something like that. It's just hard when they've looked so good early on.
26. Where does Mike Singletary go from here?: Jim Mora worked his way into his "PLAYOFFS?!" rant. Herm Edwards had a history of...well...being Herm Edwards. Dennis Green wasn't sitting at his first tea party either when he told us exactly who the Bears were.
But Mike Singletary just gave it all away in the first press conference—it's like starting a concert with your best song: you've doomed yourself to try and get better. Does he scream about being 50? Does he punch a podium? Does he go to the Bobby Knight school of chair-tossing?
Suddenly the San Fransisco 49ers are a scary team, and it's all thanks to the steaming head at the top of the pile.
27. What would've happened to Bud Selig had he called Game Five in favor of the Phillies?: Remember, this is the guy who had the All-Star game tie, the Steroid Era, one strike (ooopss...we're being politically correct...I mean "work stoppage"), and another close call, so calling a World Series after 5 1/2 innings and awarding it to the team who led after the last full inning isn't that much of a stretch.
Besides, I want to know what would've happened if Selig had called it.Would the entire country of America revolt and lock him in Bernie Brewer's giant mug of beer? Does he go on the Dr. Phil show while Captain Moustache asks him "What are you THINKING?" Does he become the next mayor of Philadelphia? Does Gary Bettman go to him and start asking him for advice on how to start contraction rumors but not actually do anything?
Here's hoping the Phillies' World Series DVD is released with a series of "alternate endings".
28. Matt Stairs and Jayson Werth are the two newest former-Jays with World Series Rings (along with Pat Gillick): This has become a disturbing trend. Last year it was Eric Hinske, Royce Clayton, Kevin Cash, and Bobby Kielty. This season it was another two castoffs from the Jays.
That's not to say that any of them finally getting their World Series Rings are a bad thing, but it's just frustrating to watch.
The next thing you know, John Gibbons will take over as manager of the Kansas City Royals after Trey Hillman gets fired 16 games into next season and the Royals are your 2009 World Series Champions.
I need a sedative.
29. Some of the New third jerseys in the NHL: The Tampa Bay Lightning are now called the "Bolts" on their new jersey, we have no idea what the Ottawa Senators' new jersey will look like (although rumor has it that it'll say "Sens" going diagonally from the lower left to upper right), while Atlanta is...well....Atlanta.
Apparently anyone can design a jersey now.
30. What if Miguel Cabrera and Vladimir Krutov went to an all-you-can-eat buffet?: It seems that every generation gets a sports figure who just likes to eat. When Krutov came over to North America for the 1989-'90 season he battled weight problems, and now the poster boy for the pudgy is Miguel Cabrera.
How many buffets go out of business? Do cows officially go extinct?
Fortunately enough for the Detroit Tigers, they've got one of the better young hitters in the game (weight jokes aside), even thought they've also got the most expensive Single-A player in history.
31. How long is this party going to go on for in Philadelphia?: Seriously...this could be dangerous.
There were shockwaves going throughout the NHL when fans in Montreal started tipping cars after the Canadiens first-round win last season, but what happens now? I mean people aren't going to realize that the Philadelphia Flyers have a losing record until December at this rate.
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