50 Things You Absolutely Will Never See in the UFC

In my opinion, any conversation about the UFC as an organization and a product has to begin with a note of respect. Under Dana White's leadership, the UFC is leading the sport of mixed martial arts into uncharted territory as the fastest-growing sport in the United States and probably several other nations to boot.

Now for the but.

The UFC is one strange bird.

Along with the lengthy lists of great fighters, great fights and great events to celebrate, there are plenty of quirks--and quirky people--that can raise a chuckle, an eyebrow or both.

With that in mind, here are 50 things I can't see ever happening in the UFC. Some are meant to be funny. Some are less so. But it's all in the name of pointing out the good, the bad and the intractable.

Please enjoy.

50. Guard of the Night Bonuses

Dana White thinks like a fan. And that can be a good thing (see tweeting bonuses).

But it's clear that fighters who finish and/or put on entertaining events are in his good graces more so than those who may be more skilled but lighter on the pyrotechnics.

Last weekend's loss by Miguel Torres is a case in point. You can argue that Demetrious Johnson won the fight—and, either way, the UFC of course had nothing to do with the final scoring—but it was a clear illustration that pulling guard and working from the back are devalued in today's MMA.

It's not necessarily a bad thing. It just changes the sport a little when fighters who can employ strong guards to control fights aren’t even guaranteed of winning, much less earning any ancillary recognition.

49. Jon Fitch Earns the TKO

Unlike others, I’m a serious fan of “Smoke Break” Fitch.

But his only TKO in 15 bouts in the Octagon came on a semi-accidental upkick and happened almost five years ago. Since then, 10 of this grinder's 12 fights have gone the distance (the other two were both second-round chokeout wins).

48. Steven Seagal, Fighter/Trainer

Seagal's Front Kick 101 is the  current can't-miss course at the vaunted Black House Gym. Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida both used the kick rather effectively in recent fights.

It has led to some speculation, mainly in the television rooms of the nation's many psychological inpatient facilities, that Seagal, age 59, should try his hand at fighting, or perhaps cornering.

Bzzzzt. It's not happening.

Although I should say, I'd be a sucker for all those raspy catchphrases.

"Hope you like the taste of canvas, brother." 

47. The Circus Comes to Town

Where have all the freakshows gone?

No Kazyuki Fujita. No Hong Man Choi. No more Cabbage. It's like the UFC wants to be taken seriously or some crap.

I guess I'm with the UFC on this one. Though I do enjoy me a good sideshow. I guess that's what Jose Canseco is for.

46. Dan Hardy Admitting "You Know What? I'm Just Not That Good."

Photo Credit: Esther Lin, AllElbows.com

A 4-3 record in the UFC does not a contender make.

Ever since his getting-less-impressive-by-the-week win over Mike Swick back in 2009, The Outlaw has lost three straight, and none has been especially close.

Basically, if you don't let him land the left hook on you, you've cut his game plan more or less in half.

I'm actually a fan of The Outlaw, but at this point his willingness to brawl, his cocksureitude, his mohawk, his entrance music and his general Britishness are stronger recommending factors than his actual fighting ability. Not that he'd ever admit it.

45. An EA Sports Advertisement

A while back, the UFC engaged in a protracted, public and surprisingly nasty dispute with EA Sports over video game licensing. It all apparently goes back to EA Sports once telling White they didn't think MMA was "a real sport." Ouch.

White was so upset with EA that he went so far as to threaten blacklisting for fighters who lent their likenesses to EA's MMA game (though he later backed off of that a little). During a testy negotiation period, Fedor Emelianenko wore an EA Sports T-shirt, with the sole presumed goal of needling White.

White and the UFC currently have a game development deal with THQ, and call EA Sports "the me-toos" of MMA gaming. Now that UFC parent company Zuffa has purchased Strikeforce, whose fighters were the centerpiece of EA MMA, EA could be knocked out of the MMA game business for the foreseeable future.

44. A Dedicated Quinton Jackson

He might win a few more, and he's as charismatic as ever with this reporter motorboating and all. But a motivated Rampage is largely the stuff of old Pride home movies.

Part of me hopes he gets that title shot against Jon Jones. Part of me doesn't.

43. Pride Rules

Photo credit: 411mania.com

I like soccer kicks as much as anyone, but with MMA still not sanctioned in all 50 states and that "human cockfighting" thing still lingering, if anything I see the UFC going more conservative in this arena.

42. Tito Ortiz, Special Assistant to the UFC President

Photo credit: Caged Insider

Even though Dana and Ortiz have kissed and made up, I still don't see this longtime UFC gadfly landing a cushy job with the UFC after retirement. Particularly since sworn Ortiz enemy Chuck Liddell seems to be just fine in that position.

41. A Healthy Tito Ortiz

He's the fighter's equivalent of the ambulance-chasing lawyer. At about the three-minute mark of every third round, he seems to already be mentally fitting himself with a neck brace. Oh, the pain!  A cold compress here, post haste!

To be fair, he has had his share of real injuries. But when they (and their perhaps less-than-genuine counterparts) are fodder for post-loss excuse-making, it does wear a trifle thin.

40. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Sponsored by Oil of Olay

Photo credit: Cage Today

Big Nog is still a good fighter and will always be a terrific ambassador for the sport.

But you've gotta admit. After all the punishment he's taken, he's 34 going on 45.

39. A Decaffeinated Diego Sanchez

Props to the craziest, most amped-up fighter—nay, human being—in the UFC. He can change nicknames all he wants, but it's not fooling anybody. And why would he want it to? 

Sanchez is, among serious fans anyway, one of the most recognizable fighter "brands" in the promotion. And it's got nothing to do with the recent beatings he's taken. Well, maybe a little it does.

YES!

38. A Caffeinated Herb Dean

For my money, Dean is the best referee in the biz. Funny, then, that he gives off the vibe of someone who just crawled out of bed. Half the time I expect to see old blood stains on his shirt from the last time he was too nonplussed by the violence to take two steps away from the gusher (or do a load of laundry afterward).

Herb, you are refereeing in an active cage fight!  Nodding off like that may be dangerous.

37. A Gassed Frankie Edgar

The Energizer Bunny of the UFC and, for my money, the best cardio in the sport.

36. Musical Intermissions from Arianny Celeste

I was all ready to assume Celeste was a little bereft in this area. Turns out she's actually pretty good.

She's a woman of many talents, though I still don't see the UFC giving a free platform to the "other" gifts of their most popular Octagon girl.

35. A Legit Pro Boxer

Photo credit: The Boxing Tribune

Thanks to James Toney, this seems to be a gimmick that has finally gone the way of the dinosaur. It’s apples to oranges and everybody knows finally knows it.

MMA fighters have a better (if still not terrific) chance of getting into the ring than the other way around.

34. War Machine

It would be cool, though. I wonder who would sponsor his spit bag. That's a license to print money right there.

By the way, Machine, I have a message for you. “Lightning” Lee Murray told me he thinks you're a crazy bastard.

33. Chael Sonnen

I may be wrong on this one. And, frankly, I hope I am.

But given the multilayered legal problems he's facing, with the banned substances and money laundering and so on, it looks like any timeline putting him back in the UFC soon—or back in the UFC at all—is, at this point, premature to say the least.

32. A Dominant Mirko Cro Cop

Photo credit: MMAMania

He always seems willing to give it “just one more,” and with one fight left on his current contract, this time "one more" really could be accurate.

Nevertheless, it's depressing to see this MMA legend get his butt kicked over and over again. He never had it in the UFC. He's 3-3 in the Octagon and got destroyed by Brendan Schaub in their last match. Even if he does get closer to retirement with every fight, he's carried that much farther away from his illustrious prime in the eyes of fans every time he steps into the cage.

31. A Fat Champion

Roy Nelson rode the gimmick. And he's still a very good fighter and a great personality for MMA, whether he ends up dropping the excess weight or not.

But after gassing badly (then making a bunch of "I didn't gas"-related excuses) in his UFC 130 loss to a not exactly frenetic Frank Mir, the door seems to be closed forever on someone carrying that many extra LBs competing at the sport’s highest levels.

30. A Lukewarm Reception for Clay Guida

Photo credit: Caged Insider

Three cheers for MMA’s most exciting all-around fighter and one of its most popular personalities. Who doesn't love Clay Guida?

Three of the six times a Guida fight has gone to decision in the Octagon, Fight of the Night honors followed. And those were just the ones that went the distance.

The wild man, who attends Big Lebowski conventions in his spare time, is living proof that the bums don’t always lose.

29. A Modern-Day Open-Weight Tournament

The UFC as we know it today was built largely on the very notion of weight classes. It is one of the brightest dividing lines separating the promotion's contemporary era from its "human cockfighting" days.

Though the Pride open-weight Grand Prixs will live in the sport's lore forever, for a sport still wrestling (no pun intended) with its image, the idea of a heavyweight perpetually brutalizing a welterweight in the endless memory of the Internet is enough to stop this dialogue cold in its tracks.

28. The WAMMA Belt

The UFC knows that WAMMA is not legit unless they acknowledge it. And the tactic of ignoring it (along with, you know, buying up or closing down all the competing promotions who did recognize it) is working.

At this point, the closest thing to a "true" world championship in MMA is the UFC title. The WAMMA belts may as well be made out of hepatitis for all the interest there is in wearing it.

Plus, the last thing MMA needs is boxing-style alphabet soup.

27. Another Dominant Gracie

Seeing as how the Gracie clan has essentially renounced the UFC as a different animal than what they had originally intended for it to be, I don't see any of them entering the Octagon any time soon.

And there's also the small matter of fact that the family's best current fighter, Kyra, is a woman. Speaking of which...

26. A Woman

At least as a combatant.

But hey, Gina, they've got some really nice number cards you can carry around the Octagon if you're interested.

25. Joe Martinez

Soon after Zuffa purchased the WEC, the WEC's melliflous, billingual announcer got the eff outta Dodge.

Shame, too. He's great at what he does. But as for now, the ring announcing game is the Buffers' world, and it seems everyone else is just paying rent.

24. Non-Gladiator Introductory Content

Sigh...

23. B.J. Penn Tapping out

Not only has B.J. Penn never said "no mas" in 25 professional fights, I don't remember it ever being especially dicey. There's always a chance my memory and research skills are failing me, but I don't ever recall him having to hang on for the bell or wriggle out at the last second. No one can lock anything on him in the first place.

Add his inherent pride and toughness to his inimitable ground skills, and this emerges as one of the safest bets on the entire list.

22. Compelling Ringside Celebrities

Photo credit: Splashnewsonline.com

David Spade? Criss Angel? Michael Jackson in a wheelchair?

No offense to any of them, as they are all far greater and richer than I. But where’s Aaron Rodgers or Denzel Washington? I need the validation only high-wattage stars can provide!

21. Georges St. Pierre Rolling the Dice

He doesn't take risks is what I'm saying. He plays it safe.

I'm not saying he shouldn't play it safe. And I'm definitely not saying it's not effective. If I had to choose one current fighter to support for the rest of their career, it would be GSP. I'm going out on a limb and saying there's a lot to like there. 

So I'm not hating. Not at all. All I'm saying is that he lies on top of people and everyone thinks it's high art just because it's Georges St. Pierre. That's all.

20. Another Welterweight Champion

Felt the need to flesh out my GSP commentary. Especially given that the welterweight division under GSP's reign is more cleaned out than any other division I can recall.

So this holds true as long as GSP is around and holds true more so for him than for Anderson Silva, even if Silva is possibly the equal or even slightly better fighter.

19. Someone Admitting the Prefight Trash Talk Wasn’t Just to Hype the Fight

This trend is getting old. Blood enemies before the fight, blood brothers after. 

Hey, remember when I went on national television and put ladies lingerie on that cardboard cut-out of you, and then said all that stuff about your mom, and about how I wanted you to die and burn in hell forever? Just doing my job, brother! Now come give us a hug. Now that we've sweated on each other, my feelings toward you are totally different!

Until the rematch, that is.

18. Brian Stann Losing on Memorial Day

Stann said before UFC 130 that Memorial Day was probably the worst time for an opponent to face him. After he pounded out Jorge Santiago last weekend, I say we make Brian Stann a one-man holiday tradition.

Who wouldn’t love to see the decorated Marine become a one-man wrecking crew every final weekend in May? I imagine he'd be up for it, seeing as how he requested this timing in the first place.

And we could make it a series over a period of years, slowly building up to a grudge match with the Iron Sheik. That would be enjoyable.

17. A Decent Beverage Sponsor

What is Tequila Cazadores? I'm not even sure I've ever even seen it outside the Octagon ads.*

Xyience might be an effective energy drink and all, but one of their flavors is "Clear." Part of me thinks of The Clear and the Cream. Part of me thinks of water. And finally, part of me thinks "that doesn't sound very good."

And I really hope I don't have to explain Bud Light.

*To be fair, it's apparently really good. It's still pretty obscure, though, as far as I can tell.

16. Eddie Alvarez

With abject apologies to Nick Diaz, Alvarez may be the best fighter currently outside the UFC (based on their abilities right now, today).

Unfortunate for the UFC, then, that he has issues with their business practices. Something about not wanting to feel like a "disposable fighter."

The Bellator champ might be in that promotion for some time to come.

15. Fights on YouTube

They get taken down faster than James Toney against Randy Couture. Rimshot!

Looks like if you didn’t see it live, you’re stuck waiting four years for the next new episode of UFC Unleashed.

14. A Referee Who Just Says “Go”

Photo credit: Sherdog

When did referee catch phrases become de rigeur in MMA? 

Big John McCarthy started it with the relatively understated, "Llet's get it on!" But if he had known what a monster he was creating, something tells me he would have reconsidered the idea.

It's more than catchphrases now, though. Sometimes it looks like they're giving the Gettysburg Address up there before the fight starts.

This seems particular to the UFC, too. I don’t remember a baseball umpire starting out with “now BRING IT ON, COME ON!”  Or a football referee saying, “Let’s show these guys how we do it!” 

Because, you know, that would be pretty bush league.

13. A Sober Joe Rogan

I don't actually know if Joe Rogan is actually stoned during telecasts and such. But I wouldn't be surprised to learn he was.

Especially given his outspoken cannabis advocacy and unabashed rehashing of various other intoxicating experiences (video probably NSFW).

12. Another Kalib Starnes

To Dana White's credit, he sent a strong message when he cut Starnes after Starnes spent 15 minutes running away from his opponent (literally at times).

At least Thales Leites tried to pull guard.

11. 15 Pounds of Gold Around Brock Lesnar's Waist

Despite his recent surgery (in which about a foot of his colon was removed), I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Lesnar in the Octagon.

But I do think we’ve seen the last of him as a beltholder.

Let’s say he fights his way back to another shot at presumptive champion Cain Velasquez. There was nothing—nothing—in their first match to suggest he could pull out a victory in a rematch. And this time, Lesnar, now 33, will be a little older and perhaps a bit diminished following this second bout of diverticulitis.

10. A Super Heavyweight Division

Some people have called for this ever since Lesnar entered the Octagon.

But unless you want to see the same three guys fight in an endless, ouroboros-type loop, then a 265-plus weight class isn’t really going to enhance the MMA fan experience. Though if you're craving some carnival action, maybe this is the way to go. After Lesnar and Shane Carwin, you'd be padding the division with the Hong Man Chois of the world. Mariusz Pudzianowski would be your gatekeeper.

Probably a good thing that the hunger for this seemed to die down somewhat in recent months after Lesnar proved mortal after all.

9. A 10-7 Round

There's always someone who knows someone who thinks he saw one in Wisconsin somewhere. And there are those who think they saw one because they scored Round 1 of Maynard-Edgar II that way.

Here's a good breakdown of the Abonimable Snow Man of MMA scores. If someone did see one in the UFC, let me know, but failing that, color me skeptical.

8. A PED Scandal

Unfortunately, this one's a little twisted. 

The reason there will never be such a scandal in the UFC is the numbingly regular pace at which positive tests roll in. And this is a testing system that just a month ago the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency referred to as “horrific” and “a joke.”

It’s certainly not all or even mostly at the feet of the UFC, but one wonders whether the promotion could do something in this arena beyond obsessive-compulsive hand washing.

7. A Network TV Deal

Photo credit: Chick A Boomer

Just enough of the human-cockfighting thing lingering. And the Kimbo Slice/EliteXC probably set it back another five years. The big networks are too busy recycling Full House to take a risk on something like cage fighting.

There is news that the UFC will have a new TV deal before the year is out, but my guess is it stays in the Spikes, Versuses and perhaps, in a best-case scenario, ESPNs of the world.

6. New Life for the Ultimate Fighter

If they haven’t decided to do it by now, I don’t know what will make them reconsider. 

In the meantime, ratings will continue to decline. Hardcore fans still dissect every episode, but the increasingly formulaic formula fails to draw in the casual fans the show was designed to attract in the first place.

There is news the UFC is eyeing a season in an international setting. We'll see if that comes to fruition and if it does, whether it's enough to refresh the TUF routine.

5. Making It Rain

UFC fighters seem chronically underpaid and there’s not much that can be done about that.

This ground is pretty well-churned already, but just to provide some new info, some fighters earned as little as $4,000 for fighting over Memorial Day weekend. That's not very high, given the hours and weeks and months of training and prep that go along with it. 

The top guys do fine, and the bonuses help, but the sheer fact of the matter is that it's pretty doggone hard to get rich fighting in the UFC.

4. Fedor Emelianenko

The bridge between Dana White and Fedor mafia M-1 Global was never burned. It was nuked to splinters, after which point the splinters were ground into dust with a steamroller, mixed with beef broth to form a paste and fed to Emmanuel Yarborough. As a first course.

White isn’t exactly known as someone who forgives and forgets all that easily. Now that Emelianenko may be in the twilight of his prime (or career), White is probably feeling more like a conqueror than someone who is willing to extend charity to a longtime nemesis.

3. A Free Press

The UFC has far too thin a skin. Sometimes, getting on their bad side feels a little like getting on the bad side of Scientology. You criticize Dana White, you never know what you’re going to find in your inbox.

Luckily for me, I’m so far removed from notoriety or respectability that I don’t have to worry about these things. Three cheers for amateurism!

In all seriousness, though, Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once said that the truth only emerges as the result of “a competition of ideas.” If the UFC insists on controlling their messages so tightly, and bullying all those who deviate or dissent, an increasingly distorted picture (and perhaps myopia on the part of the promotion and its cohorts) will result. It should only be a matter of time before casual fans begin to notice.

2. Something—Anything—Besides the Must Scoring System

Under the must scoring system, it will never be easy to score close rounds. A score of 10-9 is simply not descriptive enough.

Some people have touted more MMA-specific scoring, or systems that include half points to better articulate close rounds and, as such, greatly reduce or eradicate the draw. Some people like Pride rules, where the only way you win a fight is by trying to end it, period.

Neither of these will ever take hold. I think we're stuck with the must system until some universally loved system flies out of the sky and collapses the roof of the Nevada State Athletic Commission. Assuming they have a building.

1. Reliable Judging

This is something I'm really not sure the UFC can do anything about.

As long as cronyism and other problems plague the commissions that appoint judges, you're going to have non-experts in at least some of these all-important seats.

And if you've ever tried to dislodge cronyism before, you know what a Sisyphusian effort that can be.

Perhaps that's why that phrase is plastered so prominently on the set of The Ultimate Fighter, which serves as the UFC's de facto minor league and most prominent public stage.

"Never Leave It In The Hands of the Judges."