Ridiculous Sports Merchandise: 20 Hilariously Shameless Items

Ed NoveloCorrespondent IIIMay 17, 2011

Ridiculous Sports Merchandise: 20 Hilariously Shameless Items

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    Sports merchandise is a multi-million dollar industry, and if it's possible to fit a teams logo onto something, you better believe that a league will. 

    For some of us, it's just not enough to own the jersey of our favorite player, we've got to transform our entire home into a shrine of our beloved team or players. 

    Some would call this unhealthy, but let's face it—the industry loves you for it and are here to help you in every way. So just succumb already. 

    Most of the following ridiculous merchandise features my favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys, though most items are available for every major sports team.

    So take a look—maybe you'll see something you like.

    You weirdo.

20. Toaster

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    The Product

    Do your mornings suck? Do you hate stuff? Is the wife beginning to suspect your coffee is Irish? Well, have I got something special here to liven up your mornings!

    It's the ProToast toaster from Pangea, and it burns your favorite teams logo onto the bread! 

    Price: $27-35

    Personal Review

    There's something about looking at the Cowboys logo every morning that just reminds me that it's been over 10 years since we've been to the Super Bowl. I'm sad now. Screw this toaster. 

    I don't even like toast.

19. Pacifier

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    The Product

    You love football, and so does your baby...now. Choose a pacifier from your favorite team and let others know where your child's allegiance lies, whether they like it or not! 

    Plus, it shuts them up for a bit, and that's just plain cool. For everyone.

    Price: $10

    Personal Review

    I'm 25, so I don't know how credible my review is, but strangely, the longer I sucked on it and stared in the mirror the more I felt like Tony Romo. Then I started crying and my collarbone exploded.

    I don't know if that's something I'd give my child. Then again, for $10....no, I still wouldn't. Boy did it ship fast though!

18. Soup Bowl

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    The Product

    Show friends that you're crazy for your team by buying this soup bowl in the shape of your favorite team's helmet! Oh, and don't think it's just for soup.

    You can store all types of things in there! I'm talking candy, almonds, and even prescription drugs!

    Price: $40

    Personal Review

    I don't know if it's this cigarette I'm smoking, or that the bulb in my room just went out all dramatic-like, but I'm feeling dark, and that large, cavernous hole in the helmet seems symbolic of our chances at making the Super Bowl next year. 

    And now I want soup. And Carrie Underwood. Preferably in a bowl of soup. 

    This is a great value!

17. Poncho...thing

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    The Product

    Do you hate your child? Fantastic, because it's a prerequisite for dressing them in this England poncho. And apparently—if the picture is any indication—they can be wearing nothing else when they do so. 

    I suspect that Chris Hansen later showed up to this photo shoot. He's a real big fan of England, you know.

    Price: $18

    Personal Review

    I only made it as far as my car before I was tackled and arrested by the cops for public nudity. I knew I should have ordered the large!

16. Grill Cover

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    The Product

    Men love their barbeque grills as much as they love their team, and now there's a BBQ grill cover to protect one of their most beloved possessions. 

    Now if only they made one to cover my car, and my rocket launcher.

    Price: $33

    Personal Review

    Oh, what fun! For the price, this is a must have!!! Best part? My grill is old and is quickly deteriorating, so now the neighbors can't see my shame!  

15. Bikini Bottom

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    The Product

    Wanting to impress that special someone and are short on ideas? Well, try surprising them with a bikini bottom sporting their favorite teams name! They'll be especially pleased with the fact that you're practically naked! 

    You really can't go wrong here!!

    Price: $25-40

    Personal Review

    They fit a bit snug, and my man region didn't have much room to work. I noticed they lifted my buttocks, adding some much needed shape; that was a plus. However, I wasn't too pleased with the looks I got at the beach. 

    I was hoping for a more favorable response. They could have been jealous, though...

14. Dancing Nutcracker

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    The Product

    Do you have no standards whatsoever? Do you pretty much buy anything that has your team logo on it? Then check out this wind-up musical nutcracker!!

    It'll dance and move its mouth like an idiot, and you're welcome to join it! 

    Price: $40

    Personal Review

    I live at home, and this might have been the last straw. My mother hasn't looked at me the same the past few days, and I think it might have to do something with this doll. 

    I did my best to explain to her it was cute, and that I'm an idiot who'll buy anything with the Cowboys logo on it. I don't think she respected that. But, I'll tell you, I don't regret spending that $40, and my dance moves are better than ever!

13. Halloween Lawn Ghost

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    The Product

    Get in the Halloween spirit and spook the hell out of crazy little kids with this creepy ghost who happens to be a Cowboys fan!

    He has a pumpkin for a lower body, and despite him clearly trying to frighten you, he wishes you a happy Halloween!!

    Price: $30

    Personal Review

    Boy am I sure glad I picked this up! I never much cared to pass out candy, and short of dishing out upper cuts, I couldn't keep kids from knocking on my door. Then, I found this, and now nobody comes to my door!!!

    Now if only I can get one with Eli Manning's face on it, I'll be set for life...

12. Hammer

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    The Product

    No man is complete without his hammer, so put a little more swagger in your swing next time you're pounding away at a nail!

    The handle has lace grips, just like a football! So go on ahead, throw tight spirals like Tony Romo or, I don't know, Thor, and find yourself in jail in no time!

    Price: $22, Emmitt Smith's number!

    Personal Review

    Well, it's a hammer, and it allows me to accomplish tasks that require a hammer. Like smashing the television when Romo mishandles a snap in an important game. Or crushing a poptart when Roy Williams drops a pass.  

    I love this hammer.

11. Mailbox

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    The Product

    It's not enough to know that you love your team, the mailman must know it too. Every. Single. Day. It's an excellent conversation starter! Hey, I never said the conversation would be good!

    Price: $75

    Personal Review

    I don't really get mail, so I don't personally have much need for a mailbox. I'll tell you something, though—it made pulling up to the house feel pretty cool!! I don't contemplate kicking things during my lunch hour anymore!!!

10. Stepping Stone

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    The Product

    Stepping on stones can sure be boring. Luckily, there's a way to liven it up!! Introducing the NFL Garden Stepping Stone!

    Each stone has your favorite teams logo on it, so now you can enjoy every step as you make your way to wherever the hell you're going!! 

    Price: $20 per stone

    Personal Review

    I didn't much enjoy stepping on my teams logo; it felt disrespectful. I understand the premise, but I've learned to take life way too seriously and overreact to everything, so I can't let something this obviously stupid go.

    However, I've learned to tip-toe around the logo, and for the times my foot slips, I beat myself severely. That'll teach me. 

9. Rocky Meat

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    The Product

    Rocky, surprising written by Sylvester Stallone, won Best Picture in 1976. It was a sleeper hit that grossed far more money than it took to make, and you want to know the best part about it? 

    The meat. He beat the meat. And now that meat can be yours! 

    Price: Discontinued? Try Ebay

    Personal Review

    You wouldn't think it, but man is this "action figure" a lot of fun!!! You can throw it at stuff, and tease your dog with it! I don't actually own a Rocky action figure, so I had to use one of my old lego men to play with it, but it easily ate up 15 minutes of my day. 

    Best 15 minutes of my life! 

8. Level

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    The Product

    Things are just better when they're level, and no longer will you have to check the balance of things with a boring, run-of-the-mill level.

    Now there's the official NFL Torpedo Level, and they come equipped with four rare earth magnets, which make you sound like some kind of super hero!

    Price: $20

    Personal Review

    I leveled the hell out of things yesterday, and I couldn't be more pleased with this purchase!! I was especially pleased with the four earth magnets, because when properly aligned, they open the gateway to Heramgard in the third dimension!

    And boy do I want my old frisbee back!!

7. Garden Gnome

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    The Product

    Who doesn't love a garden gnome? Any sane human being can't resist their allure, and don't think for a second that they're restricted to the garden! Take him in the office, the shower, and the bedroom!! 

    Don't worry if you feel like he's watching you—he doesn't judge! Except when you do that one thing...your wife isn't the only one who doesn't care for it.

    Nobody looks good doing the Dougie.

    Price: $30

    Personal Review

    I kept mine out in the garden. I was going to water the grass, and I tripped. I hit my head pretty hard, and I thought I was done for. I started casting that spell from Child's Play, you know, that one that let him transfer his soul into the Good Guy's doll? 

    Well, it worked. I spent a week stuck in that body. It didn't move all that well, but I was able to fit in strange places. I'll tell you one thing, my sex life will never be the same. Not after the things I've seen...

    I was happy to transfer back, but it's nice to know I have options. Great purchase!

6. Satellite Dish Cover

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    The Product

    Satellite dishes are unsightly, and your neighbor's getting mighty sick of your crap lately. How about you lighten the mood with this satellite dish cover displaying the logo of your favorite team? 

    Nothing says peace like the lone star. 

    Price: $25

    Personal Review

    I was considering dropping the dish, but this gave me new hope! Sure, my reception is even worse, and I'm lucky if I get Telemundo, even when it's sunny, but I just can't bring myself to get rid of the dish with that beautiful cover!!!

    For such a low price, it more than justifies paying through the teeth for the dish! 

5. Toilet Paper

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    The Product

    The bathroom is a dirty, sinful place, and your butt is surely going to hell. But since it is, you may as well have all kinds of fun when you wipe!!

    Now, for the first time ever, you can wipe away your shame with toilet paper featuring your favorite team's city!!!

    Price: $8

    Personal Review

    Being a Cowboys fan, I couldn't bring myself to wipe with Dallas on the paper, so I chose the Eagles—an NFC East rival. I don't much care for Michael Vick, so I took pleasure in taking him down a few notches. 

    But I might have enjoyed it too much. I wiped for hours, and now doctors say my butt may never recover. Whatever, go Cowboys!!

4. Fighter Pilot Helmet

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    The Product

    You don't need to be in a plane to enjoy this pilot helmet!  Wear it to the grocery store, in bed, or even to work! Don't worry if people are looking at you funny—they're just jealous!

    Whoa! Is that Amelia Earhart!?

    Price: $130

    Personal Review 

    I did everything the description said, and now I'm unemployed, and my girlfriend said I finally crossed that fine line that separates weird from clinically insane. I just don't get it. Who writes these descriptions? 

    I'm a good guy who does things right. I want my life back. In any case, I'm giving it a favorable review because it looks cool. Especially the other night—I don't care what she says.

3. Branding Iron

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    The Product

    Do you like branding things? Sweet. Now with your very own sports-themed brander you can leave your mark on a steak! Not big on barbecuing? It's also great for hazing! 

    Price: $25

    Personal Review

    You find out really fast there are only so many things you can "legally" brand. My age doesn't help, as people are far less forgiving when being branded by an adult. 

    I don't play sports anymore, so I couldn't haze anyone, and I felt bad about eating a steak that had this cool logo on it. I don't eat art. This branding iron seems really cool, but for the moment I don't really have a use for it. 

    For now it stays in the closet, at least until some laws change.

2. Take-Home Tiger

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    The Product

    This is a must have for any serious Tiger Woods fan! 

    Never before has the general public been able to be so close to their favorite golfer! Whether you're looking to fulfill your fantasy—he sure is sexy!—or just looking for a friend to snuggle with at night, you can't go wrong with this instant classic!

    Price: Off the market? Thrift store?

    Personal Review

    As it happens, I was able to get one of these before it was discontinued, and man am I glad. Not only do I not have to cry myself to sleep anymore, but he even helped me on my swing!

    Needless to say, I haven't won a tournament in months...

1. O.J. "The Juice" Simpson Juice Extractor

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    The Product

    If you must extract juice, this is the juice extractor for you! And believe me, if there's anyone who knows juice, it's O.J. "The Juice" Simpson!! Why else would they call him that? 

    Having been made in 1992, it's a bit dated by today's standards, but rest assured it can handle all of your juice extracting needs, or "The Juice" will kill you...with kindness and guarantees, because man this is a sweet juice extractor. 

    It comes with a one-year warranty!

    Price: $10?

    Personal Review

    I'll be honest, I spent most of the day looking at the box. I mean, look at him—so trustworthy, so honest. This is a man who knows his juice. It feels good being in such good hands. Such soft, gentle hands.

    As the box says, "Be Healthy and Stay Fit the O.J. Way!" Oh, you don't have to tell me twice Juice, I will!


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