USC Loses Conference Opener; Pac-10 Cancels Season

In the wake of USC's upset loss to Oregon State yesterday, the Pac-10 has announced that it will "suspend all conference football activity indefinitely until a solution can be found for the current crisis."  In a closed-doors meeting today, the league commissioner will decide the future of the league.

Part of the discussion will be whether to declare West coast football dead and disband the conference and all its teams, or try to beg the Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference to absorb the 10 former Division I teams.

"Chadron State and Fort Lewis should provide stiff competition for our sorry excuses for teams out here in the West. We'll leave the Chatanoogas and the North Texas' for the big boys in the SEC. We just can't compete anymore." There was no decision yet on what to do with the BCS Championship trophy from the 2005 Orange Bowl.  It will probably be donated to a needy SEC school.

Meanwhile, Oregon State QB Lyle Moevao was apologetic: "I didn't mean to win. I knew what I was out there to do, and that's lose to USC so they can streamroll our weak excuse of conference en route to the National Championship game. I let their team down and I know it. Why are all the fans on the field?"

True freshman running back Jacquizz Rodgers, however, defended his decision to rush for 186 yards. "Is it selfish to want to make a statement against a great defense? I know we were supposed to kneel down and everything, when we got the ball back inside the USC 20, but I mean, come on! Look, we missed the extra point, what more do they want?"

Coach Pete Carroll blamed himself: "Every game is the national championship for us. We were trying to gameplan so many things at one time. In two weeks, we had to study, Oklahoma, Georgia, LSU, Alabama, even Auburn, Wisconsin, and Texas Tech. It's a lot to cram in in that short of an interval."

USC players were not that generous: "Why did that corner have to pick me off when he could see we were trying to win? And trying to run in back all the way to the house? Classless," said Trojans QB Mark Sanchez. "They at least could've hurt my hand so we would've had an excuse for losing."

Here is a representative sample of opinions from across the Pac-10 and the country:

Arizona: "We're in first place and USC isn't?"

Arizona State: "At least our worst loss was to Georgia! Oh, wait."

Cal: "Man, thank goodness USC lost, now we're no longer the last team to blow a No. 1 ranking against OSU."

Oregon: "Nice going, OSU. Now we have to be the team they destroy 75-3 after a loss. We still get bragging rights if we win the Civil War."

Stanford: "Oh yeah? Try winning at USC for a change."

UCLA: "The football monopoly in L.A. is officially over—we both have horrible losses that have disgraced the conference. Hey Pete, you think a Norm Chow offense would've been behind 21-0 at the half?"

Washington: "Does this mean Ty Willingham should submit his resume to USC as well this off-season?"

Washington State: "We all have a shot at USC now! Or not..."

Penn State: "Does this mean that we'd have beaten USC 70-35?"

Oklahoma, LSU, Georgia,  etc.—"Pete Carroll has been added to our athletic departments' Christmas card lists."

Ohio State: "USC sucks! Overrated!"

Arkansas: "Can we have Damian Williams back now?"

As anyone who has observed the chaos unfold will tell you, the entire college football nation is in a precarious state. We can only hope that everyone in California, Oregon, Washington, and Arizona will survive the humiliation and wake up on Saturday morning ready to go on with their lives in a normal fashion.