The Average Man’s Guide to College Football Fanaticism

Many men in America share a collective passion during Saturdays in the fall. It has turned brother against brother, father against son, and good friends against each other. Though these games cause numerous fights and arguments, they are something beautiful. The gridiron battles between college football teams are fun to watch; the addicting quality of the games can take up the whole Saturday. The challenge of being a college football fan in America is serious business, and if you plan to take on the challenge, there are a few rules you need to follow:

1. If You Are a Fan of a Team, You Need to Stick with That Team!

This is one of the most important rules of being a college football fan. I have seen this rule broken too many times in my life and it is despicable. Men will be a fan of one team and when the team starts to play poorly, these men will suddenly become a fan of the “hot” team of the year. This lame example of “band-wagoning” shows a lack of character and patience and must be frowned upon by fellow fans. Teams cannot be consistently good every year. Winning is often cyclical, and sticking with your bowl-less 4-8 squad instead of rooting for the BCS national championship winner shows you are a true fan.

2. If You Have a Girlfriend or Wife, She Must Be Converted to Root for Your Team

 A girl who truly enjoys college football is a rare and beautiful thing. This beauty becomes less attractive if she shows up at your football party wearing the t-shirt of a hated conference rival. If she has been a fan of this team for years or even went to this team’s school, it can be difficult to change her mind. The conversion must be subtle and could take some time. Taking her to some home football games can immerse her in the greatness of the traditions and crazed fan base. Birthday and Christmas gifts should consist of hats, jerseys and other various memorabilia with your team’s emblem. Romantic movie nights should be replaced by “old games recorded on TIVO night.” And if for some reason these hints don’t make her a believer, she may need to be replaced by someone who “gets” you.

3. No Weddings on Game Day!

Saturdays in the fall can unfortunately be a popular time for weddings, because apparently the brides do not know they are interrupting something way more important: college football. Since these brides are often oblivious to the fact that football games are going on, it is important for the grooms to step up and inform them of the dilemma. And if this is not an acceptable reason in the bride’s mind to delay holy matrimony—and of course some guys are just whipped and won’t do anything about it--  there are certain regulations a guy should follow if he is stuck at one of these weddings. Chances are there will not be a TV. This can be alarming at first, but thanks to the technological advances of the last decade we can still follow the game while the couple recites their vows. Phones with internet access can be used to check scores and portable TVs on mute can give in-game footage. Portable radios can be brought in with headphones to listen to the play-by-play. We men are given advantages our forefathers could only dream of, and we must put them to good use. If you are the groom you must keep the ceremony short, try to sneak in some TVs, and frequently apologize to all men who had to show up.

4. A Man Should Never Cry, Unless His Team Just Lost a Heartbreaker

Many men (and women) believe that a guy should never shed a tear. I believe it is acceptable on this one occasion. If you have been waiting for a huge game ahead of your team, and you have been hyped up for it, the result may leave you devastated if they lose. Sometimes the passion and love you have for a team can bring out other strong emotions. This is especially true when the game is very close and your team had a good shot of winning the game. A good example of this would be the 2009 Big XII championship game featuring Texas and Nebraska when a last second loss to a heavy favorite left many Nebraska fans rattled. These fans definitely had a free pass for some watery eyes.

5. A Man Must Watch the Entire Game, No Matter What.

Some guys who attend games like to leave games early to “beat the traffic.” This is unacceptable. Games can get out of hand but a true fan will stay until the bitter end. There are no “other things to do” on game day. Watching the game is your privilege, right and duty as a college football fan. You may get stuck in hours upon hours of traffic to get home, but you can revel in the fact that you are a true fan.

6. After Attending a Game Your Voice Must Be Raspy, Hoarse, or Completely Gone

Standing up and yelling for your team is essential to support your players. A loud and raucous stadium can do wonders for the confidence of the home team’s players and can also punish the psyche of the opponent. Rattled offensive lines commit penalties; a false start can stymie a drive. The quarterback can also be hindered in making adjustments when the crowd noise is deafening. These are good results when they are happening to the other team. Both teams know that costly mistakes caused by screaming voices are a traditional aspect of almost any college football game. Anyone who wishes to be “comfortable” by sitting down and softly clapping during a game should do so in front of their TV.

7. One Should Know the History of One’s Program.

College football has been around for over 100 years. There is a lot of history within these programs and unless you were born in the 1800’s, you can’t possibly know everything. Talking with older generation fans can be an important source of history as they love to talk about the “good ol’ days of the program” when the team played “real football.” Whether or not the team was that good in their day is irrelevant as they remember them far better than they may have actually been. They will often point out old games and players that should be remembered fondly. Old recordings of games should be borrowed and passed down through each generation of fans (better start looking for your old VCR). It is something special when a fan talks about a game that was played thirty years before they were born.

8. Last but Not Least, Do a Little Trash Talking!

A true fan of his team should talk a lot of smack regardless if his team is any good or not. Even if they are the worst in the conference they should have something decent going on with them, such as a freshman running back with potential or an all-star punter. And if your team does not accomplish anything good at all that season, feel free to reminisce of last year or the year before or maybe a couple years before that if the team has had a bad stretch. (Baylor fans: good luck!) Sure, you are bound to have one friend who can trump all your trash talk because he is a fan of an elite team but do not let it get you down. His team will eventually lose and that is when you will have to strike loud and quickly before they start another winning streak.

Follow these rules and you will join the pageantry of college football fanaticism. Most men pick up these rules as boys but it is never too late to learn. If these rules have already been broken it is not too late to fix them. Kick your Sooner-loving girlfriend to the curb, text your buddy to tell him that Alabama looks weak this year, and turn on the TV to ESPN Classic to watch your team’s game from forty years ago. Follow the code.