Gimmick Fail Presents: Orlando Jordan's Hot Bi-Sexual Action

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the first installment of Gimmick Fail, where you, the faithful pro wrestling fan community, get to weigh in on today’s most tragic gimmick demises.

Our topic for today’s inaugural episode is none other than controversial TNA grappler, Orlando “I Kissed a Boy and Liked It” Jordan.

The word controversial is used here in to describe the logic behind Orlando’s spot on TNA’s roster, and not necessarily the fact that he is an openly bi-sexual wrestler with an extremely gay gimmick.

I use the term gay in the sense that the gimmick is homosexual in nature, even though we all know Orlando likes to touch on both men and women in ways that would make Elton John uncomfortable. 

From the get go, we can see how this creative direction was destined to do all things except succeed.

The Backstory, Well, Sort Of

Orlando Jordan had quite the forgettable run in the WWE.  He served on John Bradshaw Layfield’s “Cabinet,” won the U.S. Title from somebody, and wrestled a few people here and there.  I could’ve easily gone to Wikipedia to look this stuff up, but why bother?  You wouldn’t have read it anyway.

That pretty much sums up Jordan’s career in the WWE.  He was an accomplished amateur boxer, he could wrestle, and had a decent look, but there was nothing really significant about his presence in the company. 

I mean, he was there and he wrestled, but I’m guessing he walked away from a lot of conversations mere moments before someone asked, “Who’s that guy again?”

However, there was one thing that Orlando Jordan had that separated him from a lot of people in the locker room.  There was a quality that he shared with superstars the likes of Pat Patterson and Kanyon that really made him stand out like Wilt Chamberlain at the Blue Oyster Bar from the Police Academy movies.

You see, there was something about Orlando that was probably well-known by most of his peers.  The way he moved in the back, even the way he acted around bar patrons after shows, said something loud and clearly about the man’s disposition. 

The way he carried himself caused a lot of folks to at least notice that he was in the room; there are some things you just can’t ignore about a person, even if you can’t remember their name.

Orlando was a creative genius!

While most wrestlers frittered away their time by getting mega pushes and winning major championships, Orlando was busy crafting the perfect direction for his character.  I’m sure he stayed up many nights, learning this character to a tee and practicing his pitch to near perfection in order to absolutely wow Vince McMahon out of his $12 K-Mart polyester argyle socks.

It is speculated that once Orlando was ready, he approached Vince McMahon with a killer idea for the Orlando Jordan character.  Orlando was well aware that the most successful WWE gimmicks and characters were over exaggerated expressions of a given wrestler’s God-given personality.

Orlando knew that beer-swilling, obscenity spewing and woman beating “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was a slightly exaggerated version of beer swilling, obscenity spewing and wife beating Steve Williams.  After all, the real Steve Williams is allergic to spinach.

In light of this, Orlando figured that his own personal life and view of it would go over well with fans.  If Goldust, Rico, and the tag team duo of Billy and Chuck were able to “get over” with the fans, then a character based off of his real life sexuality was sure to put butts into seats.

On that fateful day, Orlando must have walked triumphantly into his scheduled meeting with Vince McMahon, took a seat in those plush leather chairs you can only find in Titan Towers, and started off his pitch in the following manner:

“Vince, I think we should do a bi-sexual angle with my character, complete with a male and female valet that I can do suggestive things with on air.”

Orlando Jordan was future endeavored by the WWE shortly afterwards. 

Now according to Wikipedia, his firing had nothing to do with his suggestion, but I must note that this is the point in the article where my ellipses would've suggested otherwise.

“Indy Work” and Total Non-Stop Action (Tee Hee!)

Refusing to allow his spirit sullied by the close-minded suits of the WWE, Orlando went on to compete in independent organizations. 

In fact, he went on to win a major title in an Italian wrestling organization.  Shortly afterwards, he entered into a feud with pro wrestling’s most famous and outspoken hermit, the Ultimate “Don’t Call Me Jim Helwig” Warrior. 

Orlando was apparently no match for the Warrior, and lost his title to the man after holding it for two months.

Nevertheless, Orlando apparently sparked a friendship with Hulk “Brother” Hogan, and appeared on the Hulkster’s Hulkamania Tour in Australia.  Having plucked at Hogan’s heart strings, Orlando snuck through the back door of TNA’s Impact Zone in Universal Studios, landing a spot in the company under the Bischoff/Hogan Regime.

He did a few matches, most of which left fans once again intellectually sterile.  For the most part, fans understood how the company could take underutilized WWE superstars—such as Matt Morgan and Elijah Burke—and give them the opportunity they rightfully earned.

But Orlando Jordan, to most fans, was a loud popcorn fart during a prayer service.  His presence in a company known for non-stop, fast paced, and action packed pro wrestling was dangerously close to domestic terrorism.  At least domestic terrorists explained their actions.

So our plucky grappler found himself in a similar situation to his predicament in the WWE.  Here he stood, semi-talented, the look and size of a dominating force, unable to even get a finger-wagging approval from GLAAD.

What could Orlando Jordan do to keep himself from languishing in dark match mediocrity?

He suggested the same creative direction to Eric Bischoff who, in a fit of girlish glee, took the idea to the suits of TNA under the widely accepted notion that controversy created cash.

TNA spoke it over with Spike TV, and after what I’m assuming was a Harry Potter-esque series of conversations, the gimmick was given the green light. 

News and speculation about the gimmick spread like wildfire among the members of the Internet wrestling community.  Vignettes were filmed, angles were taped, and yet the company seemed hesitant to air them on television.

One notable promo included Orlando kissing his female valet and his male valet.  I personally didn’t see the footage of that one, but if you did, may God have mercy on your soul.

Eventually, news leaked that the debut of his character was taped and would be shown on the following Thursday night. 

I’ve already written an article about that fateful night in pro wrestling history, so I’ll let this YouTube video do the angle more justice than my piece.

I had several thoughts about Orlando’s “re-debut” in the company, and they sort of went in this order:

·         What the hell is this?

·         What the hell is this?

·         Is he naked?

·         Oh, this is his bi-sexual gimmick.

·         What the hell is he doing?

·         This could actually work well for him? (Yes, that was a question and not a statement.)

·         She’s not all that cute, and who’s the guy?

·         I bet he can’t wrestle.

·         What the hell did I just watch?

My thoughts seemed to be shared by most fans that actually spent time commenting on the gimmick.  TNA must have picked up on this vibe from the live crowd, who apparently were just as confused as the announcers.  The sad part is, Tenay and Tazz knew about the angle before it even happened and were still befuddled.

To this day, I don't believe they were pretending to be thrown off, but I digress.

Orlando had a handful of matches after this debut, and by “handful”, I mean enough to count between three fingers.  These matches were not consecutive, so much to the point that one could easily forget that he was lowered from the ceiling wearing caution tape.

Undaunted by the lackluster crowd reaction to his repackaging, TNA and Orlando trudged forward with the gimmick minus the extra people.  The next step for the superstar was the debut of his talk show segment, inappropriately called “The O-Zone.” 

It was during this segment that he made equally inappropriate advances towards then-TNA Global Champion Rob “The Freak” Terry.  Once Terry appeared on the show and made it known that he was strictly for the ladies, Orlando attacked him and began a brief feud with him.

There were a series of matches between them, including a match for the Global Championship at the 2010 Sacrifice pay per view.  The feud, however, ended in an unceremonious fashion during a tag team match on Impact.

The highlight of Orlando’s shenanigans during this period was when he used pictures of his opponent’s faces as pasties over his man nipples.  I say “highlight” in the sense that it was so absurd you had to laugh at it to keep from crying or punching a small child in the face.

There was also an equally disturbing moment where he squirted a white liquid on himself and began to rub it all over his chest.    I’m really lost on how that was supposed to get him over with TNA fans.

Since then, the bi-sexual nature of the gimmick has been toned down to more of a homosexual mind game gimmick.  Unfortunately, stock in the grappler’s creative genius and the potential of the gimmick have fallen to levels that dogs can’t even pick up without the use of one of those big cones people once used for hearing aids.

Thus, ladies and gentlemen, we have GIMMICK FAIL!

What ACTUALLY Happened and What COULD HAVE Happened

The uneasy alliance of sexual orientation and pro wrestling has been a topic of discussion for a few fans here and there.  However, these gimmicks, creative directions, and lifestyles have been addressed inside and outside the squared circle more often than we believe or recognize.

It was speculated that deceased wrestler Chris “Kanyon” Klucsarits suffered from depression, part of which was due to the extreme prejudice he faced by being an openly gay pro wrestler.  He died earlier this year from an overdose of pills.

Other superstars, such as Pat Patterson, achieved Hall of Fame-worthy notoriety by keeping their sexuality away from public eyes until well after retiring from the ring.

Wrestlers of the past, such as “Gorgeous George” Wagner, often played ambiguously flamboyant characters that drew immediate crowd attention and reaction with effeminate mannerisms, clothes, and hairstyles. 

Superstars of the past, such as Goldust, Billy and Chuck, Rico, and Kwee-Wee, were also given homosexual gimmicks in order to get them “over” with the fans.

With every failure there was a modicum of success concerning such gimmicks.  Orlando’s case, however, was interesting for the fact that it was one of those rare occasions where slightly exaggerating one’s real life persona did not get one over with the fans.

The one common denominator between the aforementioned gimmicks and Orlando’s gimmick is the presentation of the gimmick and the individual portraying it.

Notice that Pat Patterson is homosexual in real life, but did not portray that during his run as the first Intercontinental Champion.  Notice that Gorgeous George was effeminate in his appearance, but not necessarily gay in real life or effeminate in his in-ring abilities.

Goldust, Billy and Chuck, Rico, and Kwee-Wee all portrayed homosexual characters, but were not homosexual in real life (at least not that we know of).

You can kind of get what I’m saying here.

While a good number of individuals in our society are accepting of gay and lesbian lifestyles and individuals, the subject still remains taboo in most circles around the country.  As much as we pride ourselves of being accepting of all people, there’s still something that makes us squirmish about a man wanting to have relations with another man.

Hot lesbian action seems to be a-ok among the populace, but that’s for another episode of Gimmick Fail.

When any company decides to shoulder the responsibility of pushing such an angle, they must approach it with a “balls-to-the-wall” mentality.  Any hint of hesitation, any slight pause in the push could result in the immediate failure of the gimmick.

There was a moment of hesitation before Orlando’s gimmick change, and there was a moment of hesitation after his fateful descent from the Impact Zone rafters.  What seemed like a good idea in writing actually turned into a time bomb with two seconds left on the clock.

I personally believed that the gimmick would have done wonders for Orlando, but it had to be done with full support from the suits and it had to be done “correctly.”

By correctly, I mean that Orlando’s natural charisma had to blur the lines between what was real and what was kayfabe in order for the gimmick to work.

Orlando’s real life persona actually kept this from happening.  With him being bi-sexual in real life, fans couldn’t tell subconsciously whether or not his character was playing mind games or the other.

Add to that the fact that it’s seemingly easy to portray a homosexual character, just as it’s seemingly easy to portray a heterosexual character.  Once you add a bi-sexual man to the equation, you enter into a grey area that the average wrestling fan hasn’t figured out.

The final nail in his proverbial coffin is the fact that he has slightly more charisma than The Great Khali, the major difference being that Khali can connect with fans like Lego’s in a kindergarten class.

Here's a really important question: how does Orlando’s sexuality affect the outcome of a match in his favor? 

Goldust used it to throw Razor Ramon, the self-proclaimed ladies’ man oozing with machismo, off of his game.  He did the same in his feud with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, which took a lot of gusto to make a grown man wearing a kilt feel "unmanly."

Kwee-Wee’s superfluous antics were used as moments of comedy during mid-card matches and promos in WCW.

Orlando Jordan’s motives, on the other hand, were never truly established until after the bi-sexual nature of his character was dropped in favor for a more homosexual character.  There was no clear cut direction for the gimmick until he was given Rob Terry as an opponent. 

Even then it was very unclear whether or not Orlando was after Rob’s championship or something a little more TV-14.

So let’s count the factors that were against Orlando Jordan’s gimmick:

·         No clear direction on the character’s intent or purpose (one)

·         His real life persona actually worked against his wrestling character (two)

·         Society relatively uneasy about understanding gay and lesbian individuals (three)

·         Wavering support from the TNA and/or Spike TV suits (four)

·         Lack of respect or concern from the fans (five)

·         He was Orlando Jordan (six)

My dear friends, the numbers add up to one unfortunate Gimmick Fail!

As of this writing, Orlando Jordan was last seen on Impact tag teaming with a pre-Hogan/Bischoff Regime Eric Young.  He also made fan favorite “Pope” D’Angelo Dinero very uneasy during a recent match, in which he ended up staring at the ceiling.

From a quick YouTube search, I've also found out that he's somewhat of a a regular on TNA's web matches.  I apologize for not fluffing around YouTube long enough to see if this was before or after the bi-sexual gimmick.  Either way, you didn't see it either so don't judge me.

We can safely say that Orlando’s gimmick was meant to bring attention to TNA’s product, and it did momentarily.  But after all of that effort, we’re essentially left with a Tyson Tomko in pink tights.

Thank you for tuning in to the premiere episode of Gimmick Fail, and may all of your future endeavors be as flavorful and bright as Orlando Jordan’s run in TNA.