Albert “Al” Harrington Out With Head Ridges

Al Harrington, blissfully unaware

Al Harrington, the leading scorer last season for the New York Knicks, is expected to miss the next 3-4 months with previously unnoticed ridges in his cranium.

About ten years ago, Harrington began to wonder why sweat tended to channel down his head, like head rivers. Headbands and questionable hairstyles followed, but they only dealt with the symptoms, not the underlying issue. As the side effects were beginning to hamper his career, Harrington decided to find an answer to this medical mystery before becoming a free agent this summer.

Rendering of the possible progression if left untreated

Naturally, Al went to the foremost NBA physician, Dr. Julius Erving. Dr. J, a respected Orthopaedic surgeon, hypothesizes that the ridges may have begun to apply pressure to a number of areas of Harrington’s brain. This would cause a tendency to drive, head-first, to the basket. Head ridges may also reduce peripheral vision, limiting Harrington’s passing ability. The deepening creases also make any physical contact unbearable, so defense is mostly impossible.

Donnie Walsh announcing the medical condition

Treatment includes exposure to a green goo found only in New Jersey, ironically similar to the substance that is believed to have caused the condition. Dr. J expects a full recovery after 3-4 months, but makes no promises. “There is a very good chance Al will reach his potential, and dominate the NBA the way Donnie Walsh expected when he drafted him in 1998, and traded for him in 2006 and 2008. However, we might only be able to halt the progress of the condition. In that case, he would be the same frustrating talent that Donnie Walsh traded away in 2004 and 2007.”

In related news, Shane Battier has decided to retire after his head ridges ripped right through his eyes.

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