A Newborn Volunteer's Guide to Tennessee Football

Friday night, as I was sitting down catching some of the women's SEC tourney highlights my wife plopped down beside me drumming a long peace of white plastic (what I thought was a fingernail file) against her open palm, staring intently at it as if it was going to start doing tricks, I dismissed her attention because mine was elsewhere.

I continued to marvel at the Lady Vols and she still sat there, only now the palm drumming had stopped and a look of consternation enveloped her face. Being a man, I figured the fajitas and salsa didn't sit well, and finally prodded if she would like an antacid.

"NO." She said smugly. "But...you might want fix yourself one."

Well, short version, we are now expecting our fourth little Vol. With that in mind, I thought I would set forth a list of things for my newborn to learn, so they are up to speed come kick-off in September.

1. The Vol Walk is not what you do, it's what you attend.

2. The other kids wearing different colors are not mad at you, they are upset because their team colors are not as vibrant and cool.

3. The people wearing pirate clothes and funny hats are mad because we have a navy (unlike their mascot that does not), and they don't usually win but they get really good grades.

4. The elderly people are not mad at you, they are upset because you are one less their team will be able to recruit.

5. The big bald guy painted crimson is your enemy, and yes, he actually does not like you even though you are an infant.

6. That kid wearing an alligator on his head is carrying balloons for his amusement only, remember; duck and weave.

7. Never eat anything chocolate offered to you by an opposing tailgater.

8. Bill Dance is not a fancy waltz.

9. Neylands Maxims are not a stack of girly magazines.

10. Never approach Smokey wearing red.

11. The people in blue, meowing like sick cats may steal your pacifier.

12. The people in red, barking like mad dogs will now hate you forever more because   your new coach didn't come home.

13. The people cawing like roosters are eyeing your pacifier, keep an eye out.

14. Oh, these guys with purple and yellow on, never repeat ANYTHING that comes out of their mouths.

15. You can't talk very good yet, so if you can't say Vols, just "Y'all"....it's close enough.

16. When we play Florida try not to poo until we get to Neyland stadium I have plans for your diapers(remember the balloons?).

17. Remind me to feed you Cheetos so you can donate color-appropriate poo.

18. If you have mastered saying "I pooed," try saying "I kiffined," it means the same thing.

19. I know you're a baby, but don't cry. Save your voice for singing Rocky Top.

20. And finally, you are not color blind. That orange looks the same when the sun comes and the sun goes down.

Well that should get you through the season, welcome to the world and welcome to the Volnation.   Now, who wants to donate diapers?

Everyone else: Vols and worthy opponents offer your suggestions and warnings for my little Vol.