Tiger Woods: Deserving of Every Criticism

Did he have the guts to admit his infidelity? Yep, ole honest Abe owned up...big surprise, right?

It was a surprise for me. I expected a drug-induced excuse, or maybe some extra-ordinary trauma that fueled his carnal desires. Oh well, we got a mechanical response that left us all feeling great, warm, and fuzzy all over.

I know, let's all hide in the closet and pretend it was heartfelt, which is probably closer to the truth than what Tiger spouted. We all know how much we need our champions, and to simply let one of the greats be sidelined because he couldn't control his libido is just silly, right?

Who is silly? Me, of course. Why should I expect anything different from today's athletes? My son is of the age now when he has started to recognize pro-athletes of all genres, shapes, and sizes, and I now find myself screening the athletes he wants to watch. No big deal right?

Well, I have to screen it so much that he is no longer allowed to watch anything except college sports, and even then I have to be present so that he understands why a player was punched in the face..."Uhhh, son, he was celebrating and wasn't careful."

Ok, sue me for lying, but he has Aspergers, and if I had told him the truth I would have spent the next week explaining that he will not get punched in the face when he plays chess.

Recently, he became interested in Tiger because he heard me remarking how he was already one of the greatest golfers ever, and that he was probably one of the better role models today to represent professional athletes. Oops!

Well, as I sipped my coffee on that faithful day, I was tapped on the shoulder by my son as Tiger's SUV was plastered all over the television. It was on every network.

Tiger has remained quiet in regards to the impact he has had on children, much to my disappointment. I expected a better apology to the parents whose children were exposed to all the fanfare. I expected some degree of genuine remorse, but what I really got was apologies for all the sponsors who dropped him like Blagojevich.

I think I would have forgiven him if he had given me a Jerry Swaggart type of apology. The tears streaming, exclamations of "I have siiiiiined against YOU!" Nope, what I got was "Sorry, can I please have my Oldsmobile back?" and "Uhh, I really like you an awful lot Nike...sniff, sniff."

I have decided I will forgive him, but he must do the following.

1. Not compete in any tournament or outting for at least two years, preferably three.

2. Volunteer his time teaching Tigerology to children in some third world country.

3. Beg Jack Nicklaus for his forgiveness for having ever donned the jacket.

4. Caddy for John Daly when he returns.

5. Pick up Honda lawnmowers as a sponsor.

6. Brush off Ms. Piggy in a commercial while whispering..."we're recording! cool it with the snout."

7. Excuse himself from all events if he is unable to control his woods.

8. Volunteer time to local putt-putt course.

9. At the Masters Tiger gets Ron Jeremy to caddy for him.

10. Ask wife for a mulligan.