Obama Looks to Use Anti Monopoly Laws to Break Alabama's RBs (Satire)

Larry BurtonSenior Writer IFebruary 17, 2010

Larry Burton (Panama City Beach, Fl) - The following is a parody story only.

Barack Obama has always been an advocate of spreading the wealth. Now he's looking into a myriad of laws, such as anti-trust laws, monopoly laws, and even RICO statutes to break up Alabama's running backs, which seem to have a monopoly over the other teams in college football.

"It's bad enough to bring back the two that dominated from last year, but bringing in another, (in the person of Eddie Lacey) may just be too much," said Obama this week while discussing NCAA matters and possible playoff scenarios.

"Having three game-breaking backs is just too much for one team, especially when there are teams like Northwest Texas State that have none," he said. "Perhaps we should look into sending Richardson to North Texas State and send Eddie Lacey to someplace like Hawaii."

"People like Nick Saban and institutions like Alabama are just not good for college football; they want it all to be about themselves and not about college football as a whole," Obama continued. "And there's word from our investigators that Jeramie Griffin, Demetrius Goode, Ivan Matchett, and Jermaine Preyear are also top quality running back and they too are enrolled at Alabama."

"There's no end to the greed and selfishness of some schools like Alabama, and word has it, Nick Saban, their CEO, is actually looking to recruit another!" said Obama with his voice rising just a little too high at the end of that last sentence.

"And the problem doesn't end there; we're also assembling a blue ribbon panel to look into the number of linebackers they have there as well. Clearly this is a team with no regard to the concept of competing on a level playing field."

The meeting ended with Joe Biden muttering something about perhaps sending a few running backs over to his former college alma mater, the University of Delaware, as according to Biden, "The Blue Hens haven't done anything but lay eggs in quite some time."


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