Satire City, Baby: The Fake Dick Vitale Breaks Down Maryland-Duke Basketball

Hey, lemme tell ya somethin right now, I wanna thank Scott for givin me this opportunityyy, bloggin about the biggest matchup thus far—yesss, the biggest matchup thus far—in 2009-2010 ACC play.

First place in the conference on the line, and let me tell you, they are gonna be rockin'—AB-SO-LUTE-LY rockin'—down there in Cameron Indoor Stadium. Hey, for me a trip to Dookieland is like taking the waters at Lourdes!  I love them so much it almost makes me cry, baby!!!

This game is going to be difficult, a flat-out Gordian knot, for these teams. But at the same time, this is a pretty easy one to handicap. For Duke, it begins and ends with their three guards: Jon Scheyer, Kyle Singler, and Nolan Smith, or as I call them, Super, Scintillating, and Sensational. Or at least that's what I used to call them, until people started getting annoyed .

So now I just call them the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Although now that I think about it, Coach K is really the Father, hey it's two Gods, baby, I just invented a new religion! Dookieism! And I'm the first high priest!  Hey, you think they'll let me into their locker room now heh heh heh just kidding I already get in there, hey, I'm goin through their lockers baby it's me it's Dickie V, I'm gonna use your underarm deodorant!!

Jon Scheyer is the Father out there because he's the floor leader. Flat-out fearless. Kyle Singler is the son because he's still young, but his gifts for this team—and for all mankind—are just so special. Such a special talent.

And finally, Nolan Smith is the holy spirit because he's the one I know the least about. I'll just say he's the glue of this Blue Devil backcourt, hey, he's the leading Duke guard for rebanding (that's what I call it when a shot misses and another player gets it). 

But here's the thing: in order to have a good chance to win, at least two members of the Trinity will need to be hitting around 50 percent from the land of trifectors. In the absolutely heartbreaking loss to N.C. State, the Trinity only hit 5-13 on trifectors.

Against Georgetown, they went 8-25. But in their W over North Carolina, they went 9-17.  The Trinity scores 53.5 of Duke's 80.7 points per game. The next leading scorer behind them is Miles Plumlee with 6.3. You shut down the Trinity, especially on the trifector, you shut down the Blue Devils.

But hey, easier said than done for these Terrapins, baby. They're third in the conference in the ACC in field goal percentage defense, but eighth in defending the trifector. Yes, they will need a balanced defensive effort on the outside, more than just running out to the shooter and yelling "don't miss."

Hey, maybe use smaller lineups at times, maybe involve Landon Milbourne on the perimeter. But they can't wander too far from the hoop, as Duke ranks tops in the conference in rebands. Wanna talk about rebands? Let's talk about rebanding the basketball.

That's where Diaper Dandy Jordan Williams, in his first game at Cameron, will be crucial in preventing Duke's frontcourt from playing the role of ball retriever for the Trinity, even with forward Lance Thomas and his five rebands per game doubtful with a knee bruise .

And yes, Mr. Vasquez will need to be his usual scintillating self. He can have a million great games against the bottom feeders, but until he shows up in a pivotal, high-pressure game like this one, he'll have a hard time shedding the tag of being the A-Rod of the ACC, much less overtaking Mr. Scheyer for ACC player of the year.

But perhaps another Terp will be even more crucial tomorrow. Some stat comparisons show that Eric Hayes, the steady point guard for Maryland, has really struggled at Cameron Indoor. In 24 minutes per game there he averages 2.3 points, 1 assist, and 3 turnovers.  He'll have to be better than that tomorrow, on both ends, if he is to help neutralize the Trinity.

If Hayes and the rest of the Terps come to play, and keep their composure, I think they can walk out of Durham with a signature W. That's right, I'm picking Maryland to down the Dookies tomorrow in Cameron, hey what's happening to me baby? Coach K! Hey! Coach K! I'm still your number one high priest, right baby?  After objective television analyst, being your high priest is my highest priority!  Go Devil Rays!

Prediction: Maryland 81, Duke 69

 
** Celebrity writing style impersonated, baby.