Notre Dame Football: Brian Kelly's First Day On The Job

Dec 14, 2009, 8:30 AM, Brian Kelly's Secretary, Donna, announced "Jack Swarbrick on line one."

BK: Thank you Donna, I'll take the call.......Hello Jack, how are you?

JS: I'm fine Brian, what are you doing with your first day of what we hope will be a long career as the coach of the Notre Dame Fight Irish?

BK:  Jack, I'm just doing a little decorating.  I'm just trying to decide where to hang a couple of personal things.....You know, pictures of the family, diplomas.

There's a large empty space above the wall behind my desk, and I just can't decide what to put there.

JS:  There's an empty spot on the wall behind the desk?

BK:  Yeah Jack, there's nothing on the wall behind the desk.

JS:  Brian, are you sure there isn't a pretty large picture of Holtz and Reagan casting lines on the back of a fishing boat?

BK:  No Jack, I don't see a picture of Holtz and Reagan on a boat.

JS:  That's funny, the last time I was down there, I thought I saw a picture of Reagan and Holtz on a boat above the desk.  Do you see it anywhere else?

BK:  No, Jack.

JS:  Brian, I bought a new coffee pot about a year ago, with beautiful engraving that read "Notre Dame, National Championships R US."  I put it right on top of the file cabinet to the right of the door, as you first walk in.  Feel free to use it anytime you want.

BK:  I don't see a coffee pot Jack.  I see a stack of paper on top of the file cabinet, nothing else.

JS:  Are you sure?

BK:  I'm sure, in fact I was going to move the paper and put a photo of my players carrying me off the field after we won the Pitt game.

JS:  No! No! Brian, you can't do that, no pictures with the Bearcats!  Listen, are you sure you don't see the picture of Holtz and Reagan, or the coffee pot?

BK: No Jack, I don't.

JS:  Stay where you are, I'm coming right down.

20 minutes later, Jack Swarbrick enters Brian Kelly's office.

BK: Hi, Jack.

JS:  You're right Brian, there's no picture of Holtz and Reagan and no coffee pot!  Can I use your phone for a minute?

BW: Sure.

JS: Donna, get Charlie Weis on the phone immediately!

Donna:  I think he's on vacation with his family in Hawaii sir.

JS:  What time is it over there?

Donna:  I think it's around 1:30 in the morning.

JS: Get him on the phone anyway, I want to talk to him.

Charlie Weis' cell phone rings.

JS:  Charlie, it's Jack, how's everything?

CW:  Jack, are you calling to give me my job back?

JS:  Not quite, I'm calling to see where the picture of Holtz and Reagan, and the coffee pot went!

CW:  I took them Jack, I thought you wouldn't mind.

SW:  You took them!  What's wrong with you? I never said you could take them.  What's wrong with you?  What else did you take?

CW:  Jack, I took a couple of towels and I took one of the extra leprechaun uniforms.  I really liked the leprechaun uniform.  I was going to let my kid wear it on Halloween next year.

JS:  DONNA, GET IN HERE!!

Donna enters Brian Kelly's office.

JS:  Donna, did we send that $18 million check out yet to Charlie Weis?

Donna: No sir, it's on my desk, I was waiting for you to sign it.

JS:  Find out how much a coffee pot, some towels, and a leprechaun suit costs and deduct it from the check.

BK:  Jack, you forgot about the picture of Holtz and Reagan.

JS:  Don't worry about the picture, I never could stand Holtz.  He keeps coming around, unannounced, and sticks his nose in everything.  I can't stand thinking about him or looking at him.

Thank you Donna, make the deductions and I'll sign the check.

Donna:  Right away, Mr. Swarbrick.

SW:  Brian, what are your plans for the rest of the day? The time's a waisting.

BK:  I've got to go to Dayton, I'm going to talk to a quarterback who was thinking of going to Cincinnati.  I'm going to go down there and try to change his mind.  In fact, I was going to ask you where the heliport is.

JS:  What's a heliport?

BK:  It's where you park the helicopter.  You know "heliport"

SW:  What helicopter?  Who told you we have a helicopter?

BK:  You did Jack, you told me if I come to Notre Dame I could use the helicopter anytime I wanted.  All I had to do was call for it about 20 minutes in advance.

JS: Brian, I told you we had a chopper.

BK: Right, you told me we had a helicopter.

JS:  I told you we had a chopper, you can use it anytime you want.  Do you know how to drive a Harley?

BK:  I don't know how to drive a Harley, how am I going to get to Dayton by 2 o'clock?

JS:  You'll have to figure that one out for yourself, I've got to get back to my office.

Jack Swarbrick leaves and Donna announces "Randy Edsall on line one."

BK:  Randy, what's shaking?

RE:  Two things, Brian.  Congrats on the new position.  You know, I've got to tell you something, were friends right?

BK:  I think so.

BE:  Brian, I was never interested in the Notre Dame job.  They just asked me if it was okay to pretend I was interested so they could throw a little scare into you and get you to make up your mind faster.

BK:  Are you kidding?

BE:  No kid, Brian, no kid.

BK:  What else did you want?

BE:  I wanted to talk about the proposed series between your new team and us.  I thought now that you're the head honcho, maybe you would play a couple of those games in Storrs, at our home field.

I'm getting a lot of static from the governor, he wants the games played in Storrs.

BK:  Randy, I was giving some thought to that, even before I took the job I was thinking that it would be great to keep you on the schedule, but I don't know about playing the games in your small stadium.

BE:  Brian, after all we've been through.  Remember media day?  Who told you that you had lobster sauce on your shirt?  Who wiped it off for you?

BK:  Randy, the only way we'll consider playing any games in Storrs is if you let us bring the band, and you seat them between the thirty yard lines.

BE:  You know I can't do that.  What if I seat them in the end zone and let them play two songs each quarter when we have the ball?

BK:  I'll get back to you Randy.  Thanks for calling.