TUF 10: More Like a Slice to Big Country

Revelation: I missed a fighting opportunity!

Why didn't I intuit that Rampage needed someone with a big belly to lie on Kimbo Slice?

Usually I have very good intuition. I have always thought I had some sort of connection with Quinton Rampage Jackson.

Now I find out, upon tuning into the latest show in the TUF series 10, that my Page needed someone and the description of who he needed fit me, although it also would fit my husband, incidentally a former wrestler.

Curses! A chance for an oldie to become relevant in today's most rapidly growing sport: MMA. Lying inertly on top of someone else would be right up my alley. Dead weight, but breathing enough to take directions from Rampage and his British coaches.

Boy, did I feel wasted when I saw the "fight," if one could call it that, and knowing I may have held the key to Kimbo's having gotten through Big Country's main offense—and boy, would it be offensive for me to fall on top and lie on anyone, fighters included.

It hurt me to watch Big Country, Roy Nelson, who appears to be a cholesterol disaster waiting to explode, lying on top of the well-chiseled and much more fit body of Kevin Ferguson and having Herb Dean call an end to the "fight." I still hesitate to call it that.

Now I know how to help prepare my grandsons for fighting: I will trip, fall across their poor little bodies, and pin them to the ground. If they can escape my superior weight and inferior ability, they can help me try to resume an upright position, which is never an easy task—just ask my oldest son or husband!

Never once did it occur to me that I could be such an asset to training for MMA. At last, I have a purpose in life! Maybe other obese former athletes will be similarly inspired to become useful, productive promoters of the sport. It would beat being under a big old plastic-covered blue dummy, at least in my opinion, although blue is my favorite color.

An amusing aspect to tonight's fight was that my dog thought I was in trouble because I was yelling so loudly as I coached Kimbo through the television screen from my easy chair. She ran to my side (actually she stood in front of me and kept nosing me) and then ran to my oldest son and roused him to "help me." He did get up and helped me by taking Misty outside so I could see the "fight."

What a disappointment!

Upon reflection, I should know one thing, if nothing else, to be true about Dana White: He will lie to hype a "fight." Why didn't I remember that fact instead of dying to watch the display of "blubbering down an opponent," such as was displayed tonight?

Imagine how humiliating it was for me to see Roy boasting about his "win!"

"Give me a whopper!" I think a bypass would be more appropriate.

Good heavens. Has Roy no shame? If Grandma Dee can accomplish the same feat, can it be that tough for a fat fighter to pull it off? Oh my good heavens!

For this fight I should have designed some 5X-sized fighting shorts with squashed ants all over them, or maybe just pictures of actual road kill.

How disgusting was that "fight?"