A (Not So) Serious Look at How Arsenal vs. Bayern Munich Will Play Out
With two defeats from two games under their belt, Arsenal's Champions League campaign isn't quite progressing to plan. What better time, therefore, to face a rampant Bayern Munich side who have scored eight unanswered goals in the competition so far, while pulling away from the pack in the Bundesliga?
As the Gunners prepare to face Die Roten for the fifth time in three years, B/R has taken a very tongue-in-cheek look at how Tuesday's game might play out.
Read on and give your predictions for Arsenal's crucial European tie in the comments...
The Evening Before the Game
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Arsene Wenger, aware that his Arsenal side have never lost three Champions League group-stage games in a single campaign, decides to take matters into his own hands.
Cunningly disguising himself in a large (unzipped) puffer jacket, the Frenchman sneaks into the kitchen of Bayern's hotel, bringing with him a large batch of home-made lasagne.
It's an old recipe from 2006, and it always gets results.
Kick-off
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Bayern's team eschew the lasagne in favour of a freche haehnchen fest ("cheeky Nandos") and line up with a full-strength side.
Contrary to rumour, Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez both start for Arsenal, and both have an immediate impact as the home side dominate the opening 20 minutes. The Gunners press high and constantly catch Bayern on the break.
The Germans, meanwhile, soak up the pressure and barely pretend to get out of second gear.
22nd Minute
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31st Minute
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Manuel Neuer brings down his old pal Mesut Ozil in a one-on-one situation, but no penalty is given. The architects, project managers and social media company CEOs who make up the Emirates crowd express their disgust with loud booing and disapproving selfies.
Ozil looks furious but then catches Neuer's eye and remembers the good ol' times at Schalke. "I can't stay mad at you," he whispers in the 'keeper's ear as he gets up.
36th Minute
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The game remains goalless.
The crowd slowly begin to realise that Pep Guardiola's beautiful, technical passing game is actually just two wingers putting in crosses for a big man in the middle.
Half-Time
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Arsenal make it to half-time without conceding, containing a side that has scored 19 goals in their previous five games.
Fresh from a game on Sunday and a long-haul flight, Steven Gerrard gives his views in the BT Sport studio. Through a jetlagged haze, he wonders how LA Galaxy keep letting him fly to London, particularly when they have a crucial CONCACAF Champions League game the very next day.
54th Minute
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A contentious penalty claim arises in Petr Cech's box. Arsene Wenger accuses Arjen Robben of being a "very good diver" and accompanies his claims with exaggerated hand movements.
Moments later, Wenger realises Robben is still in Munich.
64th Minute
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The game looks as if it will finish in the draw that most fans are expecting/hoping for.
Owen Hargreaves incorrectly recalls a stat about Santi Cazorla's pass completion ratio during the commentary. His name instantly trends on Twitter and he is immediately consigned to the list of loathed pundits and commentators. Or, as it is better known, the "Andy Townsend pile."
75th Minute
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GOAL! AN ACTUAL GOAL!
Arsenal take the lead thanks a to 25-yard daisy cutter from Francis Coquelin! Amazing scenes!
Can the Gunners hold on and pull off a famous 1-0 victory over the side who have knocked them out twice in the last three seasons?
Well...
76th Minute
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Robert Lewandowski scores the first of six goals in a 13-minute span.
Bayern win 6-1.
#PeakArsenal
Post-Game
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Bayern maintain their status as the kings of Europe while Arsenal relish the thought of failing to clear the group stages for the first time this millennium.
To his credit, Arsene Wenger refuses to blame his own players but instead blames the temperature of the floodlights, the engine noise of London buses and the quality of the pies at the stadium. Well, if he can blame nice pitches for not buying a striker, then why not?
Meanwhile, Gunners fans fiercely bicker with each other on fan YouTube channels, while calling for massive overhauls of a club that has for nearly two decades consistently delivered them the kind of high-level European action that 99.9 per cent of football supporters can only dream of.
