The Terrible 10 Of College Football: Week Two

Dan BooneSenior Analyst ISeptember 14, 2009

SOUTH BEND, IN - OCTOBER 13: The Leprechaun and cheerleaders of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish enter the field before the game against the Boston College Eagles on October 13, 2007 at Notre Dame Stadium in South Bend, Indiana. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

"The more tribes, the more they'll fight, and the better for us." 

-Daniel Dravot From The Man Who Would Be King

The BCS is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.

Or so they seem to want us to believe.

We hear tales of unbreakable conference entanglements and beloved traditions. But big cities and low politicians have bundles of bucks invested in the bowl system.

The the big conferences and their CEO money mad University Presidents want to dip their beaks too.

We hear cries of the academic cost of a playoff even though all other levels of college football have playoff systems. Somehow, since the Division I-AA players struggle through, perhaps the scholar athletes of the SEC and Big 12 could try.

A college football playoff seems harder to solve than Afghanistan. The tribes and factions in that old, bloody land seem to get along like the Brady Bunch compared to the factions in college football aligned against a football playoff.

But we must protect the traditions, or so the BCS big boys say while lining their pockets with bundles of Ben Franklins.

Not a team in a BCS favored conference?

Sorry Bubba, fickle fate doesn't smile on you. But enjoy that bowl trip to Toronto.

The golden rule is—as it always has been—that those who have the gold make the rules.

So the BCS isn't ever going to loosen its gold-fingered grip on the lucrative television contract and advertisement money. Nor is it going to give up its old boy network connections with the big bowl boys and their politico lap dogs.

No matter how often Houston, Utah, Central Michigan, Boise State, and BYU bring it to the BCS bullies, they are not going to give us a playoff.

A good portion of the nation's schools are locked out, looking in at the BCS boys, and longing for a playoff.

And the BCS boys like it like that.

Divide and conquer; protect your conference traditions at all costs. Watch the factions fight for the Rose Bowl and Sugar Bowl and skip the big playoff picture.

They like the ratings high and the natives restless.

And they like that extra $10 million for a sweet sneaker Rose Bowl deal with Nike or Reebok.

All we can hope for is more embarrassing upsets and thus, more upoar.

1] Virginia [0-2]

Who would have thought Thomas Jefferson's old school would ever be ravaged by a bunch of angry Texas Christian Horned Frogs?

Adios Al Groh, fired coach walking.

2] Colorado [0-2]

Just days after dropping the opener to arch rival Colorado State, the Hawkins father and son duo were downed savagely by Toledo.

How does the Hawk hold his job?

And how did the Buffs get this bad?

3] Michigan State [1-1]

After that scalping by the Central Michigan Chippewas, it seems the Spartans were staring ahead at Charlie Weis, who lost two seconds somewhere in Ann Arbor and wants them back.

4] Tulane [0-2]

After being beaten 91-16 in the first two games, Tulane coach Bob Toledo said,  "You get worn down."

General George Custer, a Big Ten man, said something to that effect, as Crazy Horse, Gall, and the boys were preparing their final Little Big Horn blitz package.

5] Rutgers (1-1)

Forget Howard, how did that home opener Rutgers Red Out work out against Cincinnati?

Back-to-back opening game losses hurt Greg Schiano's possible quest for Joe Paterno's Happy Valley throne.

6] Washington State [0-2]

Unlike Washington, which had the easy fix of firing Ty Willingham, there seems no easy route to respectability for the Cougars. They do seem to be getting very good at turnovers though, as they gave up the pigskin seven times against the team that was formerly known as the Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii.

The former head Rainbow, June Jones, awaits the Cougars with SMU this week.

7] Tie: Memphis [0-2] and  New Mexico [0-2]

Outscored 85 to 16 the first two weeks, all the New Mexico Lobos can say is "Ouch!" And look out above because here comes the Air Force angry after a Minnesota loss.

Wild Tommy West is about to catch the Last Train out of Memphis and hear that lonesome last Tiger whistle blow in the night.

8] Notre Dame [1-1]

Did they finally carry Charlie Weis out of Ann Arbor, or is he still staring, like a frozen giant rabbit, at the scoreboard searching sadly for his two seconds and wondering, like Steve McQueen at the end of The Sand Pebbles, what the hell happened?

{Since BT liked that one, I'll use it twice.}

If Machiavellian Lou Holtz still picks Charlie Weis to win the national title this week, Weis will finally know that evil Lou sees son Skip Holtz on the South Bend sidelines next year. 

And Weis will know that Lou really does giggle like Doctor Evil every night before he goes to sleep.

9} Oklahoma State [1-1]

Those tough old Cougars sure took those wild young Cowboys for a ride.

The Cowboys must feel much like Roy Munson did in the movie Kingpin when he awoke with his cheerful Cougar landlady.

10} Tie: Illinois [1-1] and Nevada [0-1]

Zook zoom zam that first week slam still stings in zookland.

When they lost contact with the mothership, Nevada was losing 24-0 to Idle at the half this week.


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