You waited years for season tickets.
You’ve tailgated with friends…only having to ’man-the-gate’ when it’s time for the game. And although not upset as you watch them walk away with laughter and smiles…a small brick of disdain is mortared to your wall of covetousness.
But as the football gods extend mercy, the day finally comes when you’re notified that you can purchase seats to your Holy of Holies.
The clouds part as sunshine beams upon your face…an angelic ‘aaaaaawwwwhhhhh’ whispers down…singing with majestic pitch.
Finally! You are free to enjoy the crackle of excitement first hand…without having to watch your gladiators on the TV…you’re in heaven.
Fast forward three seasons, and the honeymoon is over. Having to pay increased ticket prices and fighting a down economy…the once euphoric feeling has dwindled to a wince.
Time to find a ’buddy’ to buy the other ticket.
You begin your search and find that since most all your friends have tickets…or their wives forbid them to participate…you’re forced to find a guy you don’t quite know so well. Most likely a fellow co-worker?
So…for all the fans who fit this predicament…here are nine ways you know you’ve picked a loser.
1. Mr. double standard: He thinks the old saying goes…”what‘s good for the goose, isn‘t good for the gander.” He can flirt with all the neighbor-gatin’ hotties, but gets mad when you flirt a little. He doesn’t mind you driving and paying for parking…but his car always seems to be on the mend.
2. Wears exactly what you wear: You don’t quite notice at first, but after the third home game…you notice he has the same hat…the same jersey or t-shirt…the same type of pants or shorts. What’s the deal with this guy?
3. Party pooper: Just when you start having fun with your fellow tailgaters, he's wants to leave and go into the stadium. Dude!!! Just chill!
4. Moocher: A character guy is always prepared financially when going to the big game, and the wallet…he never leaves home without it. But the moocher is always finding ways to figure out how not to pay for something. “I paid for that last time!”…yeah right.
5. High maintenance: He’s constantly complaining and whining. Everyone around him just rolls their eyes when he breaks into a chorus of ’whoa is me’, and looks at you like…”dude…why did you bring this guy.” Something is always not right…”that’s too far…that’s too hot…why this?…why that?” You get to a point of just…”please…someone stick something sharp in my eye.”
6. Cable Guy crossed with Napoleon Dynamite : He seems to never have anything to do but call you…email you…stop over without calling you. And at the games, he likes to show-off any self perceived skills or knowledge that is always out of no where in the attempt to impress which never ever does. He wants everybody to know that you and he are best bros. “Vote for Pedro”
7. Booty Kisser: He's always looking for someone to kiss up to. Maybe he’s trying to find better seats? No pun intended.
8. Never on Time: He’s never ready and you always miss getting the better parking spot because he just started getting ready and blames his wife for all the work she had him do before he could leave. Dude!!! You’re killing me!
9. Selfish: They have street signs named after this guy - “One-Way”. You're constantly doing things for him, but never puts an effort to do anything for you. You try and keep him in mind when buying food or drinks…but he never gets your favorite cheese, chips, or beer. What’s up with that?
So, if you find that after reading this…you’re either the loser…or the losee…I can’t help you.
But, to all my college football friends out there who just got your season tickets for the new year and you’re looking for someone to buy that extra seat…make sure you know who it is…because any year spent with a guy like this…your heaven will soon turn into Hades.