NFL Week 16 Picks: Desperate Times Call for Desperate Quarterbacks
Riffs, rants, observations and dissenting opinions from the voices in my head: Here's a warped and dented take on this weekend's games, guaranteed to take the sting out of having to watch Ryan Lindley, Jimmy Clausen and Case Keenum play quarterback.
Note: All times listed are Eastern, lines are via Odds Shark and game capsules are listed in the order you should read them.
Seahawks at Cardinals
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Sunday, 4:25 p.m.
Line: Seahawks -9
In the land of quarterback desperation, the team with two bad options and a half-season of experience as offensive survivalists reigns supreme.
Week 16 is like the final 30 minutes of a quarterback-themed zombie movie. The only survivors are the above-the-marquee stars and a bunch of guys like Case Keenum, Jimmy Clausen, Mark Sanchez, Shaun Hill, whoever didn't blow his nose on Jay Gruden's favorite tablecloth and maybe a guy who totaled his truck 11 days ago. Among that sordid company, Ryan Lindley ranks as a middle-of-the-pack starter, so why not balance the fate of the entire NFC on his shoulders?
Larry Fitzgerald called Lindley "cerebral" in a Monday television interview, which means either a) Fitzgerald was fishing for compliments; or b) my theory that the Cardinals are doing all of this via mind control finally holds water.
Yes, we have all been in a highly suggestive state for weeks. Arizona is really 5-9 right now, but we only see what Bruce Arians wants us to see. The only thing that really happened to the Cardinals in the last four months was that 12-6 Thursday night snoozer against the Rams, because no one could dream up something like that. Also, outside the Arians matrix, Jane the Virgin isn't even a real show.
The cerebral Lindley has not thrown a touchdown pass in four career starts and 181 attempts, and his mighty intellect did not stop the Cardinals from letting him try his luck with the Chargers early in the season.
Lindley against the Seahawks defense is about as big a mismatch as you can imagine without drifting into Incredible Hulk vs. Grumpy Cat territory. The Cardinals have already gone from manufacturing their offense to hand-sculpting first downs from large blocks of marble. They must find some method of generating at least 19 points to keep the Seahawks from doing what we all expect them to do.
Lindley cannot look to the running game for help: Kerwynn Williams and Stepfan Taylor surprised the Chiefs and sloppy Rams, but they are rushers of last resort. A Logan Thomas option package off the bench could provide a spark, but the Seahawks know that if Thomas were a threat to do more than run, he would be starting over Lindley.
Patrick Peterson Wildcat? It's been done. Fitzgerald has attempted two option passes in his career: one incompletion and one sack. That makes him a long shot to provide a trick-play surprise, though it must be pointed out that his quarterback rating (39.6) is only slightly lower than Lindley's (46.8).
If the Cardinals are going to score the minimum number of points to beat the Seahawks, then their defense will have to do it. That means Peterson and the secondary must gamble and try to bait the hard-to-fool Russell Wilson, and Todd Bowles will have to draw up a fresh set of blitzes that force Wilson to run himself into sacks.
A defensive touchdown and some field-position field goals, plus a lot of stops, can keep the Seahawks uncomfortable and put the Cardinals in position for a miracle. It still won't be enough, but Arizona's defense needs practice at trying to win single-handedly, because that's what it will take from here on out.
Prediction: Seahawks 20, Cardinals 12
Colts at Cowboys
Sunday, 4:25 p.m.
Line: Cowboys -2.5
Dr. Jerry Jones said after DeMarco Murray's hand surgery on Tuesday that it was "conceivable" and not unrealistic that Murray would play against the Colts in an interview with Shan and RJ on 105.3 The Fan (via CBS Local). All of the best managerial decisions are based on what is conceivable but not unrealistic, and Murray participated in individual drills midweek. He wore a protective glove on his left hand, with two fingers taped together.
Expect Murray to be in the lineup as long as Jones' hand feels OK.
It's easy to joke about Dr. Jerry Jones and his potential conflict of interest with coach Jerry Jones, but look at the situation from their angle for a moment. The rest of the NFC contenders enjoy borderline bye weeks on Sunday.
The Eagles get to watch Jay Gruden and the Redskins disappoint each other. The Packers face the Buccaneers. The Seahawks get Ryan Lindley and other members of Jackson Browne's old backing band. The Lions are dissecting a cadaver.
The Cowboys must deal with a playoff team that still harbors a first-round-bye fantasy. They cannot afford to let a little thing like surgery to their most reliable offensive weapon hold them back.
Anyway, Tony Romo flew to Europe with a bad back to beat the Jaguars with no consequences, which means rushing important players back from surgery will never, ever cause a problem; it says so in Jones' Anatomy. There is no chance that putting a running back whose only weakness is fumbling on the field with several digits fastened together will possibly be the blunder that ruins the Cowboys season. Right? Right?
Jones has expertise in many subjects, but he cannot match Andrew Luck when it comes to etiquette. (Actually, that's not true, as Jones is one of the most polite bazillionaires you could ever meet. Just go with the transition here; it's been a long season.)
Kevin Clark of The Wall Street Journal reports that Luck congratulates defenders who deliver sacks or hard knockdowns. "Great job!" or "What a Hit!" Luck says, confusing defenders, such as the Eagles' Nolan Carroll. "I'm like, 'What's going on? Aren't you supposed to be mad?' " Carroll said. "So then I'm the one who gets ticked off because an upbeat attitude isn't something you see." Luck also complimented several Redskins players, who were really baffled, because they are not used to hearing anything nice.
If Luck's attitude becomes contagious, Trent Richardson will start walking around wearing a "Thank You for Stuffing Me for No Gain" T-shirt.
The Colts would kill for some Cowboys conundrums, like the question of whether to start a 1,600-yard rusher or his backup, who averages seven yards per carry. On the other hand, Dallas could really enjoy the luxury of resting some ailing starters, something the Colts could soon do (though they do not plan to) with minimal consequences.
A close game is conceivable, but expecting everyone to be polite after the Colts further complicate the Cowboys' playoff scenarios would be unrealistic.
Prediction: Colts 26, Cowboys 21
Chiefs at Steelers
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Steelers -3
A deep Chiefs dive as they try to beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh for the first time since 1986 and climb into favorable wild-card position.
Kansas City wide receivers still have zero touchdown catches this season. That's quite an accomplishment, even for an Andy Reid receiving corps. Even at their worst, Todd Pinkston and James Thrash combined for three touchdowns (2003 Eagles).
Reid, whose strict no-public-criticism rule is refreshing in the era of Jay Gruden's passive aggression, praises his receivers even more when they do less. "Dwayne is one of my favorite guys that I've had a chance to coach," Reid told reporters on Monday of top receiver Dwayne Bowe. "He never complains that he doesn't get the ball enough or wants the ball...he just wants to win and I appreciate that."
Bowe has a $13 million cap figure and ranks 50th in the NFL in receiving yards. He should not be the one complaining, coach.
Reid may be the master of the polite press-conference mumble, but he has a soft spot for former favorites. The Chiefs finally benched left guard Mike McGlynn, who Reid drafted to be the Eagles' center in 2008, after a string of increasingly terrible games. Check out the Arrowhead Pride website as they entertainingly blow a gasket over a player who inspires a little too much emotion for his position.
A little tape study explains the fan frustration. McGlynn falls down more often than most 10-month-olds. I saw one play (third quarter versus Broncos) where the ball was snapped, McGlynn took a half-step in the general direction of a linebacker, and simply dropped to his knees like he just saw Our Lady of Guadalupe.
Non-noticeable journeyman Jeff Linkenbach replaced McGlynn last week. Reid defended McGlynn as being "banged up a little bit." McGlynn also probably does not complain about not getting the ball.
The Chiefs added long snapper Charley Hughlett to their practice squad after Thomas Gafford's errant snaps contributed to two missed field goals against the Raiders. "To be honest with you, I haven't even seen him snap a ball, so (general manager John) Dorsey has seen more of him than what I have," Reid told reporters. "I'll take a peek at him and see what he looks like."
Instead of peering through keyholes at backup long snappers his team has already signed, Reid may want to figure out how to generate a downfield passing game now that Alex Smith won't spend as much time on the run from McGlynn's defenders. But Bowe believes his coach may have been orchestrating a 14-game rope-a-dope. "Big plays downfield that people haven't seen yet, why not show it toward the end of the season?" Bowe told reporters. "Andy (is) a mastermind."
Yep, Reid has the Steelers right where he wants them: in Pittsburgh, a game ahead in the standings, and confident that their rickety secondary will have an easy afternoon. If this is a long con, Chiefs fans would appreciate it if Reid makes next year's a little shorter.
Prediction: Steelers 28, Chiefs 20
Falcons at Saints
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Saints -7
If you are a Cowboys fan, Seahawks fan, Packers fan, Lions fan, Cardinals fan or Eagles fan, chances are you will also be a Falcons fan on Sunday afternoon.
Some NFC wild-card team will have to travel to New Orleans, Atlanta or Charlotte for a playoff game in two weeks. No matter how you rank the Falcons and Panthers, the Saints must rank as the scariest of the three playoff interlopers.
They have all the Super Bowl veterans, most notably Drew Brees. They have Packers and Steelers wins on their resume. They have the on-paper talent to beat many contenders, especially contenders who are fielding desperation quarterbacks or who are new to the playoff scene.
The Falcons have beaten one out-of-division opponent. They are the football equivalent of the Prairie Dog Conference regular-season champions in the first round of the NCAA tournament. Their defense ranks last in the NFL, according to Football Outsiders.
Mike Smith faces every playoff fourth-down decision like a cop has just shined a flashlight in his eyes at Makeout Point with the police chief's daughter. The Falcons are the team you want to face in the first round. No Sean Payton or Rob Ryan, no rocking Superdome, just Matt Ryan, Julio Jones and a lot of guys who bump into each other.
Of course, you may prefer the Panthers to both teams. In that case, you must cheer for the Falcons this week and against them when they face the Panthers next week. Rooting for the NFC South has become as confusing and unfulfilling as playing in the NFC South.
Prediction: Saints 37, Falcons 24
Eagles at Redskins
Saturday, 4:30 p.m.
Line: Eagles -8.5
Eagles fans who were desperate for good news after the team's Sunday night loss to the Cowboys heard nothing but bad news from Nick Foles' medical exam.
No, Foles cannot return to regular practice yet. No, Foles cannot play in Week 16. No, Foles will not play in Week 17 either. Foles' playoff availability uncertain. YOU WILL BE FORCED TO WATCH MARK SANCHEZ THROW TWO INTERCEPTIONS PER WEEK UNTIL THE SUN DIES.
Redskins fans who were desperate for good news after the team's loss to the Giants heard their own version of bad news.
Yes, Jay Gruden will return next year. Yes, the Redskins' self-trolling will continue indefinitely. Yes, his Zornification will continue until he is standing on the sideline with a headset that is not even plugged in. Yes, the team will continue to denigrate or endanger every quarterback on the roster until Pierre Garcon is taking Wildcat snaps. YOU WILL BE WATCHING THE REDSKINS PUNT IN THE FOURTH QUARTERS OF STILL-WINNABLE GAMES UNTIL THE UNIVERSE DIES AN ENTROPIC HEAT-DEATH.
Chip Kelly is a huge Marcus Mariota fan. Mariota is probably not returning the favor this week. Mariota may have joked on David Letterman (via NFL.com) that New York has no professional football teams, but he knows the Big Apple, unlike the capital, has hope of soon acquiring some.
Prediction: Eagles 31, Redskins 16
Chargers at 49ers
Saturday, 8:25 p.m.
Line: 49ers -2.5
The Chargers began the preseason with 11 straight completed passes through three quarters, with Philip Rivers and his backups knifing through the Cowboys defense while Ryan Mathews, Danny Woodhead and Branden Oliver romped between easy completions. The Chargers began the real season with a stumble against the hypno-Cardinals, then reeled off a string of 30-point offensive performances that made Rivers look like an MVP candidate.
The Chargers offense is almost unrecognizable now. The smoothly humming machine of August and September has been replaced by a jalopy that turns every drive into a hard-fought journey. Every Rivers throw is under duress. Woodhead is long gone, Mathews is in and out of the lineup. Centers fall like wheat before the scythe.
It took all of Mike McCoy's creativity and Rivers' craftiness to string together enough touch passes to Antonio Gates, contested slants to Keenan Allen and fourth-quarter pass interference penalties to keep the Chargers competitive. And now Allen has a broken collarbone, while Rivers has been in and out of practice with a back injury no one wants to talk about.
Despite the offensive setbacks, San Diego can still reach the playoffs with two wins and some help (or one win and miraculous help). Also, the Chargers offense still looks more organized and efficient than the 49ers offense, which knocked itself out of the playoffs last week.
The 49ers are coping with multiple injuries at running back (Frank Gore is questionable and Carlos Hyde is out) and may have to juggle centers if Marcus Martin remains sidelined with a knee injury. The Chargers can sympathize, but they won't show any sympathy.
Rivers returned to practice and enjoyed a day in which "a ball did not hit the ground," in coach Mike McCoy's words. Maybe some things have come full circle to the start of the preseason.
Prediction: Chargers 23, 49ers 14
Patriots at Jets
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Patriots -11.5
When Buddy Ryan was the Eagles head coach, he treated Cowboys games like Super Bowls.
Buddy endeared himself to a generation of fans by going 8-1 against Dallas in non-strike games (refusing to seriously coach the replacements against the Cowboys' strike-breaking superstars in 1987 made Ryan even more popular). He also went 0-3 in playoff games, proving that there is some merit to only treating Super Bowls like Super Bowls, instead of investing too much emotion and energy, high school-style, into a hated archrival.
Rex Ryan is just 4-7 against the Patriots, including one playoff victory that feels like it took place in 1973. He would love to finish his Jets career at 5-7, but you have to wonder if Rex just revisited the sins of his father, contributing to his franchise's inability to remain focused on the ultimate goal by creating a never-ending maelstrom of blustery sideshows.
Buddy is still revered in Philadelphia, his frustrating tenure romanticized by the passage of time into a nostalgic thrill ride of Randall Cunningham highlights, fake spikes, Bounty Bowls and playoff losses blamed on the fog.
Rex's Jets tenure could get the same treatment, softened by time into a series of loopy press conferences and some David-versus-Goliath playoff wins, interspersed with butt-fumble bloopers. But it may not happen, because New Yorkers aren't as easily satisfied as Philadelphians, and because Ryan wasn't even as successful as his dad at winning the Super Bowls he chose to create.
Prediction: Patriots 27, Jets 14
Vikings at Dolphins
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Dolphins -6.5
The Dolphins can still make the playoffs if they win their next two games, the Ravens and Steelers lose their next two games, the Texans lose to the Jaguars in Week 17, the Chiefs beat the Chargers in Week 17, the Bills lose one of their last two games and Ryan Tannehill clicks his heels together and chants "There's no place like home."
That last criterion may not be real (I am not certain), but the fact remains the Dolphins are almost certain to miss the playoffs this year. That doesn't mean they have nothing to play for.
"We're on a team that's .500, and [if] you don't believe that you're .500, you have to go out there and prove it," defensive lineman Jared Odrick told Fox Sports' Jameson Olive. "We've got two more games to do that, to put it on film, for our fans and to the NFL, who we are and what we're about and that we don't believe that we're a .500 team."
Hang that First Winning Record (Barely) in Six Years pennant atop the highest flagpole proudly, fellas. As someone with a math degree, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But when calculating percentages, 8-8 works out as .500, while 9-7 also works out as .500, just with an extra Jets game.
Prediction: Vikings 22, Dolphins 21
Lions at Bears
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Lions -4.5
Back in college, I worked summers as a maintenance assistant for the port authority; it does not matter which port authority, because all port authorities are about the same. As was the case at any unionized, quasi-governmental workplace, the port authority employed a small but noticeable cabal of resident malcontents and malingerers who dragged the whole shop down and gave us a bad name.
Assigned to a good, industrious crew, I would spend mornings weed-whacking or filling potholes, albeit between longer-than-necessary breaks. Assigned to a malcontent crew, whole days were spent seeking underpasses to nap under or distant fields to dawdle in. When a supervisor's truck appeared, the malcontent crew chief shouted "Look Busy!" and we all raced to our equipment to make an elaborate pantomime of working really hard.
It occurred to me on one of those mornings decades ago that it took much more energy to pretend to be busy than to actually be busy. The goldbrickers spent their days in a constant state of nervous agitation, rushing and scheming in a constant effort to avoid mowing a couple hundred square feet of median strip. They were stuck in a failure spiral. They hated their jobs, so they did things that made their jobs harder and more unpleasant, which made them hate them more.
I spent a lot of Bears games this year thinking about those malcontent port authority crews, and not just because Soldier Field looks a lot like an un-mowed median strip these days. Playing as poorly as the Bears did on Monday night looked like a lot more work than just going out there with a little pride.
Jimmy Clausen starts for a team that is trying harder to quit than they ever tried to try this year. This is the last gimme game the Lions are getting. They would be foolish not to take it.
Prediction: Lions 27, Bears 6
Browns at Panthers
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Panthers -3
Ron Rivera said at the beginning of the week that Cam Newton would only play if he could "protect himself" according to the Charlotte Observer (via NFL.com). Because heaven knows the Panthers cannot protect him. I keep picturing Rivera sneaking up behind Newton like Cato behind Inspector Clouseau, surprising him with a karate kick and a noisy kiai to test his self-defense skills, the two of them tumbling around a chateau shattering priceless vases.
Newton had some productive late-week practices and is now expected to start. Risking Newton in a foolish bid for an undeserved playoff spot is a spectacularly bad idea: Putting a less-than-confident young quarterback on the field is a great way to either exacerbate a back injury or foul up his throwing mechanics. But since this entire Panthers season has been a series of spectacularly bad ideas that appeared designed to humiliate/injure Newton, nothing should be surprising at this point.
The big midweek Johnny Manziel news (via Cleveland.com) involves a he-said (Manziel), she-said (Pam Oliver), we-all-saw (there's video) regarding whether Browns teammates adequately back-slapped and high-fived Manziel as he left the tunnel last week. It took nearly three full seasons for the Robert Griffin III story to deteriorate into parsing video of pregame ceremony body language for hidden meaning insanity. Manziel truly is special.
Prediction: Panthers 23, Browns 17
Packers at Buccaneers
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Packers -11
A wise man once told Packers fans to "relax." Packers fans have been anything but relaxed since the team's loss to the Bills. Yes, the loss tightened the NFC race and unburied some of the tiebreaker skeletons (namely, the Seahawks season opener) in the Packers' closet, but this season's Bills are not your typical Bills.
Green Bay faced a very tough defensive team on the road during a short week, hit an offensive pothole, had a field goal blocked and gave up a punt-return touchdown, and presto! Instant upset loss to unfamiliar out-of-conference foe.
The Packers are still just three weeks removed from beating the Patriots. This time last year, the team was crossing its fingers for a Matt Flynn upset of the Steelers and hoping to parallel-park in the playoffs, NFC South-style, with eight wins. (The former did not happen, the latter did.) So chill out!
The Buccaneers are the NFL's worst team—going 2-12 in that division takes some real effort—and if the Packers cannot beat the Lions in Lambeau to clinch the division next week, then home games and bye weeks won't matter in the playoffs anyway.
Prediction: Packers 30, Buccaneers 17
Giants at Rams
Sunday, 4:05 p.m.
Line: Rams -5
The Rams defense has not allowed a touchdown since before Thanksgiving. That's not particularly surprising, because the St. Louis defense is talent-laden, and it has faced quarterbacks Derek Carr, Matt Schaub, Colt McCoy, 120 seconds of Robert Griffin, Drew Stanton and Ryan Lindley in the last three games.
On the other hand, the Rams secondary falls for double moves the way my sainted Aunt Eunice used to fall for telemarketing scams. (Heaven rest her soul, she blew all her social security on invisible hearing aids.) You would figure that some crafty receiver would have slipped past Janoris Jenkins and Co. for a touchdown in the last few weeks.
Neither team has much to play for, and the best the Giants can hope for as they play out the string is to stuff every stocking within 60 miles of Central Park with Odell Beckham jerseys. Therefore, the Giants should just run the diagrammed play over and over again for three-and-a-half hours until it produces the 14 points necessary to defeat the Rams.
Prediction: Giants 20, Rams 13
Bills at Raiders
Sunday, 4:25 p.m.
Line: Bills -5.5
The chicken wing is Buffalo's most important cultural export, a symbol of that primitive, icebound region's heritage. The gift of wings from Buffalo is like the gift of reindeer blood from Lapland. You are being given the most treasured item that isolated society has to offer. So it was significant that the Bills sent complementary wings (and pizza) to the Lions as thanks for letting them use Ford Field during November's blizzard emergency.
The Lions may have been tempted to say thanks, but that Packers upset was all we needed, but when the Inuit tribe is carving off the prized hunk of seal meat for you, it's good manners to lay the gratitude on extra thick.
It's a good thing Terry Pegula bought the Bills. The Lions would not know what to do with a thank you gift of eight vats of hair gel and 400 complimentary copies of Slippery When Wet. Detroit also had to be happy to see Jim Schwartz carried off the field after the Packers upset: He's never coming back!
Schwartz has found his niche again as a defensive coordinator who does not have to worry about the big-picture decisions that always slipped past him as the Lions head coach. Which naturally means that he will once again become a hot head coaching candidate, if not for the Bills, then perhaps the Raiders, who might as well use late-season losses to audition the opposing coaching staff.
In other news, C.J. Spiller has been medically cleared to play. Now there's a guy the Bills don't want to see carried off the field.
Prediction: Bills 24, Raiders 10
Ravens at Texans
Sunday, 1 p.m.
Line: Ravens -3.5
Outside a collegiate football practice facility in Tuscaloosa…
CYRUS JONES: That was a great practice session.
EDDIE JACKSON: I'll say. I think we are ready for those Ohio State receivers in the Sugar Bowl. Here's the bus. Let's get back to the dorms!
CYRUS JONES: Wait a minute. This isn't our usual bus driver. What's going on?
OZZIE NEWSOME: Sit down, fellas. Next stop: the Ravens hotel in Houston!
CYRUS JONES: Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome? You're…kidnapping us?
OZZIE NEWSOME: That's right, fellas. The Ravens have no more cornerbacks now that Asa Jackson is injured. I cannot wait around to draft you like I draft all other Alabama players, so I am taking you straight to the NFL! Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
CYRUS JONES: This is crazy. I'm calling Coach Saban!
OZZIE NEWSOME: I gave Saban a big gift certificate to Shula's Steakhouse. You won't be getting in touch with him for a while.
EDDIE JACKSON: Mr. Newsome, I'm an underclassman who cannot even declare for the draft yet. Also…did you even watch the SEC Championship Game?
OZZIE NEWSOME: It does not matter. You will just be covering Damaris Johnson or somebody, with Case Keenum at quarterback. It will be like facing Duke or Tulsa. I JUST NEED WARM BODIES.
CYRUS JONES: C'mon, Eddie. We are young and strong. We can rush him at the next red light.
OZZIE NEWSOME: Not if I put you to sleep first. Activate Operation Nighty-Night!
GARY KUBIAK (emerging from back of bus): Good afternoon, gentlemen. I would like to show you cut-ups of my favorite Ravens offensive plays.
CYRUS JONES: Don't look at the video monitor, Eddie! Fight it! Fight it!
EDDIE JACKSON: Zzzzzzzzzzz
OZZIE NEWSOME: Wait, Gary. Stop. Let these fellas out of the bus.
GARY KUBIAK: You realize that kidnapping a bunch of college players is going too far? You accept that the Ravens should still beat a third-string quarterback, even with our depleted secondary, and have decided to let the chips fall after that?
OZZIE NEWSOME: Heck no. These fellas aren't ready yet. We're driving to Tallahassee!
CHUCK PAGANO (also emerging from back of bus): Hey guys, nobody should use the chemical bathroom for an hour or so. Wait a minute…Ozzie, you promised me T.J. Yeldon!
OZZIE NEWSOME: Sigh. Sic 'em, Gary.
Prediction: Ravens 26, Texans 21
Broncos at Bengals
Monday, 8:30 p.m.
Line: Broncos -3.5
Focus your eyes on the watch as it dangles to and fro, Bengals. You are getting sleepy…
That's not darkness over Paul Brown Stadium; it's just overcast. It's Sunday afternoon, not Monday night. Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden are not calling the game for a national audience. It's just friendly old Kevin Harlan and Rich Gannon, providing play-by-play to whoever doesn't get to watch the Patriots game on CBS.
And the opponent? Those helmets are a dusky black matte and burnished gold, not navy and orange. You are playing the Jaguars: the lowly, non-threatening Jaguars in a regional game of marginal interest. The Steelers and Ravens are not breathing down your necks for the division title: You have a comfortable two-and-a-half game lead. Make that a three-game lead, because you did not do anything so silly as allow the Panthers to force a tie.
So breathe deeply, remain calm, and play the way you usually do against second-tier opponents on ordinary Sundays. When you regain consciousness, all will be well: You will be in the playoffs, and you will finally have demonstrated that you can hang with the big boys of the conference.
What? You say that you aren't that suggestable?
That's a shame. This stuff totally works on the Cardinals.
Prediction: Broncos 34, Bengals 24
Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.
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