The United States has a National Slow-Pitch Adult Softball Team.

It finally happened.  We don’t know how…or even why…but it did.

Slow-pitch adult men softball on ESPN.

Enough said.

On Saturday morning, the United States and Canadian National Adult Men Slow Pitch Softball teams squared off in the inaugural “Border Battle”.  Frankly, I wasn’t aware that the United States had a National Team.  Since this was the inaugural event, maybe it’s the first year for the team.  Who knows.  Anyway, hooray for the red, white, blue and mustached….because the United States won the game 30-23.

Truth be told, the final score was probably the least intriguing item from the miraculous event.  Here were some of our favorites.

ESPN Broadcast Team Announced: a 10 second montage introduced lead ESPN softball analyst, Bobby Lutz.  It’s always crucial for the network to explain to the listeners/viewers why the analysts belong in the booth and why you should value their opinion.  Look no further than the following picture displayed by ESPN - which proudly displays a crucial aspect in the realm of overall softball wherewithal; a killer mustache.  This guy knows his shit.

Official Pregame Analysis: once the game opened up for official business, the broadcast team debuted their “Keys to the Game”—which is an essential part to any major ESPN production.  The keys for our Northern friends were fairly straight forward; timely hitting and solid defense.

Tips for the American team were slightly more perplexing.

We understand (read: mockingly acknowledge) the “utilize homeruns effectively” key.  Teams are only allowed 10 homeruns.  When every 400 pound gorilla steps up to the plate and mashes the ball 550 feet, rules like that are necessary.  Besides, it lets these monkeys believe that “finesse” is a crucial aspect of the game.

Apparently, one of the keys to victory for the United States National Slow-Pitch Softball team is good, old-fashioned trust.  You gotta trust your teammates, kids.  We’re not sure what led to this analysis, but we’re anxiously awaiting full disclosure.  What caused the high-level of distrust in the United States locker room?  Perhaps one player stole another player’s can of dip.  Maybe one player poked fun at another player’s jean shorts.  Who knows.  These are the questions that must be answered.

ESPN Splash Graphics: during a usual broadcast of a major sporting event, a viewer is inundated with statistics and tiny factoids about a given player.  This was true during ESPN broadcast of Adult Slow-Pitch Softball.  The design crew really delivered the necessary information to the viewers; name, height, city of origin, and the make/model of the $500 aluminum bat that the player is swinging.  Crucial insight.

True Athleticism: it’s not an exact science, but kicking your leg as high as possible while wearing baseball pants as an adult male will deliver maximum power when you’re at the dish.  Seriously.  Chicks dig the long ball, just ask the beauties sitting behind home plate.

Since dingers are down across the board in Major League Baseball, the smart groupies have transitioned their voyeurism to the softball diamond—where raking and mashing are always at an all-time high.

Proper Usage of Oakley Razor Blades: final statistics are still pending, but early results showed that when a group of adult men were brought together for a softball pep talk, 9 out of 10 were wearing some model of Oakley sunglasses that were crafted in the 1980’s.

At this angle, we’re unsure if DeDonatis is rocking some blades.  Actually, no.  We’re not unsure.

Key Managerial Substitutions: with the United States sitting on a 26-19 lead in the sixth inning, United States Head Coach, Steve Shortland, went to his ‘pen to bring in a crafty Southpaw.  In Major League Baseball, many managers utilize their bullpens by leveraging key pitcher/batter match-ups late in the game.  Other key aspects of a successful MLB relief pitcher include grit, determination, and a high strikeout-to-walk ratio.

The same can be said for softball relievers…with the added characteristics of tighter ballpants, two unnecessary batting gloves hanging out of their back pockets and a completely useless towel hanging from their ass.

Inspiration from the Skipper: some people at home might be wondering, “Why on Earth do a bunch of grown men running around a dirt field pretending to be professionals need a designated grown man to tell them what to do?”  It’s a fair question, really.  Well, here’s your answer, you cynics; inspiration.

Do you think it’s easy being the best at what you do?  It’s not.  To ease some of the tension is United States Head Coach, Steve Shortland.

Take it away, Steve.

For those scoring at home, below is a transcribed version of Mr. Shortland’s moment of glory.

“I tell my guys all the time; no matter what you’ve done in your softball career—you could be in every association’s Hall of Fame…you could be a 20 time All American…but when you fill out your softball resume and you talk to your grandkids about what you’ve done the best, this will be at the top of the list.”

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