The Awesomeness of Josh Beckett, As Explained by Billy Mays

This Article Originally published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com

Not long after the Sox game yesterday, I realized that my paltry talents were not going to be enough to describe how awesome Josh Beckett was yesterday in pitching a complete game shutout against the Royals.

He ended he "first half" of the season (they have actually played 88, and 81 is half) by winning the Sox third in a row, and tied Tim Wakefield for the league lead in wins with 11. The Sox head into the All-Star break with a three game lead over the Yanks, and the best record in the AL.

So I called my people and got the Billy Mays do-it-yourself Kit. Yes, Billy may have left us too early, but his special brand of awesomeness lives on. In order to truly capture the spirit of this commercial, whiten your teeth for a week (just leave the strip on), and paint your face with tar to achieve the full beard action. Enjoy.

Josh Beckett Commercial Script:

Billy Mays:

DO YOU HAVE A TIRED BULLPEN? HAVE THEY BEEN OVERWORKED, DOWN AND SUCKING MORE CONSISTENTLY THAN A DYSON LATELY? WORRY NO MORE!

I'M BILLY MAYS HERE FOR JOSH BECKETT, YOUR ALL-STAR SOLUTION FOR A TIRED 'PEN!

JOSH BECKETT WILL SHUT DOWN THE OPPOSING BATTING ORDER WITH BY POUNDING THE STRIKE ZONE WITH EXPLODING FASTBALLS, KNEE BUCKLING CURVEBALLS,  AND DAYLIGHT SAVINGS CHANGEUPS! IT'S NOT FAIR! HE USES PATENTED UP-DOWN, IN-OUT, FAST-SLOW TECHNOLOGY TO MAKE THE OTHER TEAM SEND EVERY ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS TO THE MINORS! THE SECRET IS IN THE FACT THAT HE GOES ALL NINE INNINGS! YOUR BULLPEN CAN GO INTO THE ALL STAR BREAK THE WAY THEY ARE BEST, SITTING IN THE OUTFIELD PLAYING DRUMS ON THE ROOF OF THEIR DUGOUT, NOT SCREWING UP ANOTHER GAME!

LET'S HEAR FROM SOME HAPPY CUSTOMERS.

(Cut to Customers)

Man: After watching Josh Beckett, I can finally  satisfy my wife. (Smiles weakly)

Woman: Josh Beckett gives me that special tingling feeling, while my bullpen doesn't get tired at all!

Ugly man (possibly SMC): Just knowing about Josh Beckett makes me much more attractive to women!

Billy Mays:

JOSH BECKETT CAN DO ALL OF THESE THINGS AND MORE! HE EVEN PLAYS DEFENSE! HE WILL KICK THE BALL TO HIS SECOND BASEMAN TO GET THE OUT! HE IS UNBREAKABLE, EVEN HIS EX GIRLFRIEND SINGING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM DOESN'T CAUSE HIM TO BREAK DOWN! JOSH BECKETT IS YOUR ALL PURPOSE SOLUTION FOR A TIRED BULLPEN!

AND NOW, FOR A LIMITED TIME, JOSH BECKETT COMES WITH HIS OWN SUPPLY OF ALL-STAR TEAMMATES! THAT'S RIGHT, ORDER TODAY AND GET JASON BAY, JONATHAN PAPELBON, DUSTIN PEDROIA (SUBJECT TO AVAILABILITY), KEVIN YOUKILIS AND TIM WAKEFIELD FOR FREE!

OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY, SO CALL TODAY BECAUSE JOSH BECKETT GOES ALL NINE INNINGS!

HEY VINCE SCHLOMI,YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS.

end.

Go Sox.

Done.

This Article Originally Published at GetOutofMyBallpark.com