5 Criteria That Zlatan Ibrahimovic Uses to Decide He Is 'The Best'

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a difficult man to figure out.

Are his constant displays of astonishing arrogance part of a self-parody schtick that he now feels he has to maintain, or does he genuinely believe he is the greatest thing since sliced bread?  

Either way, the mighty Swede continues to amuse us. Following Paris Saint-Germain's win over Olympiacos on Wednesday evening—in which he scored his eighth Champions League goal of the season—Ibra told the waiting media what he thinks of the Ballon d'Or. Essentially, he doesn't need a golden orb to know that he's the best, per The Daily Mail:

"

It seems very important for other players, but for me it's not important. I know what I feel about myself and I know what I think about myself, that is most important. I don't need a trophy to tell myself that I'm the best.

"

If Ibra doesn't need formal recognition from his peers, industry experts and football's governing body to know he is god's gift to the beautiful game, then how does he evaluate himself?

Read on, puny mortal, to discover the criteria of Zlatan excellence. Or as he likes to call it, Zlexcellence... 

Amount of Stamps Created in His Honour

Jamie McDonald/Getty Images/BR composite

Earlier this month, Zlatan Ibrahimovic was honoured by the Swedish Post Office with his own set of stamps.

"Many young people had never read a book before until his came out. I hope that the stamps will achieve a similar thing," the head of stamps at the Swedish post office said, implying that people in Scandinavia might suddenly start sending more mail because they would get to lick the back of a tiny picture of the football overlord.   

Surely only the very best football star could appear on a stamp, right? What's that? Ronaldo and Messi both already have stamps? Even Michael Owen's armpit has one? Bah. 

Number of Teammates Injured

There's an old saying in the Ibrahimovic household: An unnecessary beatdown of a colleague a day helps you work, rest and play.  

Ibra loves kicking out at his own teammates. He...loves...it. 

Clearly, no one else in the professional game is as good at compromising the health and fitness of his teammates, which gives The Mighty Zlatan another reason to believe he is unrivaled.  

Amount of Incongruous Tattoos

There may be footballers who have spent more time in the tattoo parlour than Zlatan—Daniel Agger for one—but no one else can boast such an impressively incongruous collection of body art on his torso.

The Swedish striker has a red dragon next to some playing cards on his right side, the birth dates of his parents and siblings on his wrists, his name in Arabic on his right bicep and diverse epithets in various languages elsewhere.

He's basically treating his body as a giant Pinterest wall for random things from around the world. 

His left side also includes the words, "Only god can judge me." Presumably, he will soon get this amended to read, "Only god, and not the officially ratified 509-person Ballon d'Or voting panel, can judge me."

Taekwondo Abilities

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It is true that Zlatan can contort his body in ways that no other footballer can. His suppleness and ability to kick a ball 26 feet in the air allow him to score goals like his crazy scorpion kick against Bastia and his famous overhead kick against England that is a shoe-in for the 2013 FIFA Puskas award.

His flexible footwork is the result of years of studying taekwondo in Malmo as a child. Three years ago, he earned a black belt, albeit an honorary one. 

Ibra's command of martial arts and ability to obtain a black belt without actually earning it can only add to his stupefying self-confidence.   

Number of Mortal Enemies

Claudio Villa/Getty Images

You don't make it to the very top without acquiring some powerful enemies: Just ask Sepp Blatter, Tony Soprano or Justin Bieber.

Zlatan, of course, has found himself a mortal enemy in Pep Guardiola. In his autobiography (being the best author on the planet is another reason for his greatness, incidentally), he labels the former Barcelona man a "coward." He claims Guardiola is a "bully" with "no balls," and he didn't like the way he "had a Ferrari but drove it like a Fiat."

Which are all ways of saying that he was annoyed that Guardiola didn't let him do whatever he wanted. 

Ronaldo may dislike Sepp Blatter, and Messi may not be fond of...the person who made him do this pose, but Zlatan's greatness is fueled by possessing such a vendetta against a man whom most people find affable. 

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