Brett Favre Unretires To Announce Retirement (Satire)

It officially happened, according to several unnamed sources.

Brett Favre is back.

Or at least he was.

According to Person X, Favre signed a deal with the Vikings, and upon crossing his T's, he immediately looked directly into the eyes of Minnesota Vikings' General Manager Rick Spielman and said, "I'd like to be released now."

"I was in utter shock," said Spielman. "Not even one training camp before he retires?"

Spielman wasn't as shocked as Ted Thompson, who claimed that his cell phone rang while he was still recovering from a drugging that took place when he was kidnapped during the draft.

"I was blown away. He said all he wants to do is sign a one-day deal so he could retire a Packer. I was all about it. But then he kind of caught me off guard when he also asked to be hired as my personal landscaper."

When asked about the call to Thompson, Favre replied, "I only called Ted because I need the money and I just started my landscaping company. How sweet would it be to have a big-name client already."

He has not reached a deal yet with the Packers, reportedly, but it's been said that he's called the Chicago Bears and Detroit Lions brass to sign a contract.

"It's not like I'm hurting anyone, and I know it's a weird hobby. What can I say? I love signing contracts."

With the news coming down that Favre was coming back, John Madden immediately announced he was coming back to join Al Michaels in the broadcasting booth.

Madden was quoted by the Associated Press as having said, "HUiuasbfaiab.... BRETT FAVRE! Uhasbnfebwq."

But the sports world wasn't the only place celebrating.

Disney World gave the new retiree a new job watching over the drunk who plays Goofy in Disney World Hattiesburgh.

"I know, I just wanted to ride my tractor, but this job is pretty great. All I have to do is make sure he drinks less than 12 beers a day, and I coast. Plus it gets my mind off of football."

Favre has since stated that he would not be playing football again, but during a question-and-answer session in which he was modeling some Wrangler jeans, someone received a text that Favre had called Tim Ruskell, the GM for the Seattle Seahawks.

"Well, yeah, I called him. How sweet would it be to make Matt Hasselbeck my backup again. I gotta run guys. Me and Mad Dog are going to get in 18 before I sign a deal and retire. But this time it's for good."