7 EPL Transfer Rumors That Have No Chance of Coming True

Vince Siu@vincetalksfootyFeatured ColumnistJune 17, 2013

7 EPL Transfer Rumors That Have No Chance of Coming True

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    There’s a reason transfer season is called “silly season.”

    This is the time where no football is played for fans to enjoy, especially during this offseason period where preseason friendlies have yet to start. And this is the time that all kinds of connections are drawn up by the press.

    With two weeks left to go before July 1 arrives and the summer transfer window is blown wide open, the rumor mill is spinning like crazy with rumors right, left and center, and the English Premier League has enjoyed its fair share of attention as usual.

    Here are seven EPL transfer rumors that have no chance of coming true.

    N.B.: We know that in football, nothing really is impossible. Case in point: Joe Kinnear has just returned to Newcastle United as Director of Football, according to BBC Sport. Now that’s something we would all have said had no chance of happening before, well, it actually happened. So this list is really of seven EPL transfer rumors that have no chance of coming true, until they do. Oh well.

Gareth Bale to Paris Saint-Germain

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    For what seems like an eternity, Tottenham Hotspur’s wing wizard, Gareth Bale, has been linked with Spanish giants Real Madrid.

    In fact, according to the Daily Mail, Real’s Director of Football, Zinedine Zidane, has even publicly advised Bale to “have a private discussion with his club and express that he wants to leave.”

    So what are Paris Saint-Germain doing with a transfer attempt for Bale? The Mirror report that the Ligue 1 champions are interested in submitting an £85 million bid as part of a ploy to entice Spurs manager Andre Villas-Boas, but when a traditional footballing powerhouse like Madrid and an all-time playing legend like Zidane come calling, no one else really comes close.

    But has anyone actually considered the possibility that he might actually stay at White Hart Lane? The Metro has.

Gareth Barry to Tottenham Hotspur

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    Here’s another good one: Gareth Barry, from Manchester City to Tottenham Hotspur for £4 million, according to the Express.

    Why? Well, with Fernandinho’s signature secured from Shakhtar Donetsk, City possess at least one too many specialist defensive midfielders, and at 32, Barry isn’t getting any younger.

    With rumored Villas-Boas favorite Joao Moutinho having signed for AS Monaco this summer, perhaps Tottenham are running out of options.

    But Barry? A relatively pedestrian holding midfielder who doesn’t contribute much in terms of goalscoring? In an all-action, high-defensive-line, constantly pressing midfield?

    Something doesn’t quite add up.

Nani to Arsenal

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    For the supposed heir to Cristiano Ronaldo (more on him later) at Old Trafford, Nani has done alarmingly little in his Manchester United career. In fact, he just spent most of their 2012-13 title-winning season on the bench.

    So what’s next for him? Why, a move to Arsenal, of course; Metro report that United’s asking price for Nani is around £8.5 million, exactly half of his £17 million fee when he signed from FC Porto in 2007.

    That was six years ago. And when Ronaldo left in 2009, Nani was supposed to step up to fill the void. Instead, Nani has more notably been crying and clutching his shin rather than providing the goals that his compatriot used to.

    But is he really going to leave United for their archrivals? And more importantly, is Arsene Wenger going to sign a player so renowned for his selfishness and attitude? And someone who did this to Arsenal a few years back?

Thomas Vermaelen to Barcelona

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    Arsene Wenger’s first-choice central defenders this season have been Per Mertesacker and Laurent Koscielny. And Barcelona have been so out of defenders that they have had to move Javier Mascherano and Alex Song back to the defence.

    The natural solution to this? Thomas Vermaelen to Camp Nou, according to the Express.

    When he first arrived in North London, Vermaelen was a fearsome prospect, offering a tower of strength and goals in equal measure, but his form has dropped alarmingly recently, to the extent that the regular captain no longer finds himself in the starting XI.

    The addition of Jan Vertonghen to the Premier League, and the continued excellence of Vincent Kompany, means that the EPL’s first-choice Belgian defenders no longer include Vermaelen.

    Which probably means that he won’t be considered by supposedly the best team in Europe.

John Terry to AS Monaco

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    For a good many months, Frank Lampard was rumored to have been leaving Chelsea this summer. But amidst strengthening rumors that Jose Mourinho was to return to the club, his ex-vice-captain mysteriously signed a one-year contract.

    Now that Mourinho is back at Stamford Bridge, Lampard should have an important role to play next season, something that club captain John Terry should also be expecting.

    Of course, Rafa Benitez spent a good amount of his interim Chelsea career trying to plan for the next generation, which heavily features David Luiz and Gary Cahill, and moving on Chelsea’s “Untouchables” should be a key point in the job description.

    Perhaps that’s why Terry once again donned his full kit in celebration of his club’s Europa League win in May.

    But Mr. Chelsea to leave for AS Monaco, a club hoping to become a European superpower in the coming few years? We’re calling the Metro's bluff.

Edin Dzeko to Chelsea

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    Aside from John Terry’s headers and Frank Lampard’s goals, one of the major highlights of Mourinho’s first Chelsea reign was the sight of Didier Drogba tearing up defences.

    So naturally for a counterattacking side that prides itself on a physical target-man, Chelsea have been linked with a plethora of center forwards who can fill that role.

    The Daily Mail have linked Borussia Dortmund’s Robert Lewandowski. Napoli’s Edinson Cavani could be another option, according to The Guardian. Both would be world-class options.

    But additionally, The Telegraph report Manchester City backup Edin Dzeko as a target.

    That's a genuine head-scratcher.

    Someone must have forgotten that they already have a ready-made Drogba replacement in Romelu Lukaku, who impressed on loan for West Bromwich Albion last season.

Cristiano Ronaldo to Chelsea

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    Here’s the heavy-hitter: Cristiano Ronaldo to Chelsea, as reported by the Express.

    At first glance, it makes some sense. After all, Ronaldo did star for Mourinho at Real Madrid as his standout performer during his three years in the Santiago Bernabeu hot seat.

    But with his emotional ties clearly with ex-club Manchester United (here’s The Independent on how the Red Devils plan to leverage that for a sensational return), it’s nearly impossible to imagine that he could turn out for any other Premier League club than United.

    Ronaldo at Stamford Bridge isn’t going to happen.

    Him turning out at Paris Saint-Germain, as hinted by the Express; or AS Monaco, according to The Independent, looks likelier.

    For more extensive coverage on the Premier League, check out my Bleacher Report writer’s profile and follow me @theredarmchair.