Football Season Is Over, So Now What? Six Solid Ideas

It’s Saturday morning, and I’m out of bed by 8 a.m. No alarm today. Of course not...it’s not a work day, and I actually want to get up.

There are no worries today. No economic downturn, no outrageous insurance premium. Gym—check. Breakfast—check. I raise my coffee cup in an appreciative slainte to the dog as he offers his thoughts on Anne Hathaway’s Oscar nomination just inside the neighbors’ property line.

I move to the couch and flip on the 1080p…and then it hits me. The bowl games have been played. The powers that be have told us who we should call the national champion. The NFL playoffs are done. Even the Pro Bowl is over. There is no more football for six months. Welcome to my nightmare.

If you’re like me, you’re a full-fledged, four-alarm football addict. You follow your team with religious fervor, and when they’re not playing, you’re watching everyone else...and I mean everyone.

You pay an extra $3 per month to get FSN-Walla Walla, and you’ll stay up until crap-o-clock in the morning to watch that key NAIA slugout between the East Pennsylvania State Fighting Amish and the Truth-or-Consequences A&M Runnin’ Blue Corn.

Maybe you’ve checked a score in the middle of a wedding, glanced at the score ticker while making out, or feigned illness so that you could watch a game instead of attending the christening of your cousin’s fourth contribution to Satan’s Legion. It is also quite possible that you mourn the passing of the season with the disbelief of a jilted lover, holding periodic vigils by watching replays in the middle of June on ESPN Classic.

To you, I offer an affirming handshake and assurance that you’re not alone.

How, then, do we get through what I call the “dark time?” You know, that dreaded period between the annual appearance of Punxsutawney Phil and when, as the great Al Ciraldo liked to say, “toe meets leather.” Here are a few suggestions for how to spend your time that might ease the shakes and dry heaves:

1. Build up your supply of husband/boyfriend points

Such points are what you get every time you do something a good husband or boyfriend should do. Taking her out to dinner to celebrate the anniversary of the day you met? Five points. Telling her she looked great in the cashmere sweater she wore that day? Three more. Finally fixing that lighting fixture on the back porch? Two points…10 if you did it without her mentioning it first.

You get the idea. Get all the home improvement finished. Suggest a double date with her friend with that tool of a boyfriend who doesn’t like beer. Doing all these things now will allow you to spend more time in front of the TV in September. Oh, and for the sake of all that’s holy, snap out of your post-partum football depression long enough to remember your significant other’s birthday, your anniversary, or both.

2. Cheat on football with another sport

I’m not here to debate the merits of following baseball, basketball, hockey, or whatever. Although, I’ve heard that hell is a place where all the beer is nonalcoholic and the only thing on TV is hockey.

Like James Madison, I believe you are entitled to full and free exercise according to the dictates of your conscience. When football starts, you’ll be back, because football is our White Castle…the burgers anywhere else just don’t cut it.

3. NCAA Football on the PS3 or XBox 360

This will get you through the months of July and August quite nicely. You know you love being able to beat a computer-controlled team 143-0 while rushing for 962 yards in the second half. Even more fun is opening up a can of online whoopin’ on that dillweed who inserts his CB at QB and scrambles on every play, only to watch him evaporate into cyberspace once you break ahead 28-0.

What’s the offseason without a 2 a.m. tussle between Baylor and Tulsa starring you and some guy from the Federated States of Micronesia?

4. Entourage

I don’t really need to explain this. See also: Big Love, Dexter, Weeds, and Flight of the Concords.

5. Go to the gym

It’s called “exercise.” If you’re married or seriously involved, don’t pull the bait-and-switch. If you work off some of those cheeseburgers, you might actually live to see your team win a national championship.

6. NFL Preseason

I know, I know...but it’s the first live football of the year. Love it or hate it, arena football is not happening this year, and the CFL with its 55-yard-line just doesn’t count. Crack open a Sam Adams as Schlomo Lipowicz catches 18 passes from Tyler Palko in the 4th quarter en route to a thrilling 32-19 win by the 49ers.

This list can go on, but no matter the distraction, you have by now remembered that nothing beats a fall Saturday. You see, football season is a magical time that allows us, for a few hours per week, to escape what’s bothering us and enjoy the beauty of a sport that embodies the perfect combination of strategy, valor, and violence.

It’s a time when we bond with friends and family, and reconnect with some of the fondest memories of our lives. In fact, it is a microcosm of our life cycle and the experiences that come with it—the development, discovery, growth, joy, heartbreak, and the inevitable end.

Football season is about more than who wins the Mountain West. It’s about the smell of anticipation in the freshly cut grass; it’s about chili dogs at The Varsity with Dad; it’s about calling your old friend from high school to rub it in; and when it’s over, you’re left feeling emptier than MC Hammer’s 401k.

So, I bid you good luck as you embark upon your yearly walkabout. I cheer with you as you complete your 47th DVR viewing of your team’s fullback de-cleating that blitzing cornerback from Clemson. I grumble with you as your significant other drags you to a Saturday night showing of the new Cameron Diaz movie.

I hold my breath with you as your wife or girlfriend tells you about her college friend who is getting married “sometime later in the year.” Just stay the course, dig your feet into the ground, and we’ll get through this together. It's only a few months.