Some Professional Advice for Matt Stafford and the NFL Draft

Listen, Matt. I know this is an exciting time for you as you begin preparations to fulfill a dream you’ve probably had most of your life. I get that. But before you get swept up in the whirlwind of Wonderlics and workouts, I thought someone should set you straight.

I love your work as a QB. I consider myself an objective fan, but I lean towards the SEC so I’m well acquainted with the body of work you’ve put together over the last three years. I think you are exceptionally talented and will be an asset to whichever team drafts you...in time.

Face it, man. You aren't ready just yet and thanks to the performances of Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco, you will be expected to start, excel, and lead your team to a playoff berth all in the first year. Keep in mind that just as the media loves stories like Flacco and Ryan, they salivate over potential busts. Are you familiar with Ryan Leaf's work?

Now understand that I don’t have you pegged as the next great bust or anything like that. I’m simply discussing realities. Keep this in mind: I like you. I’m down with the floppy hair, the big Texan gunslinger vibe, and I even get the hoisting of kegs (not my style, but it’s ok in a, “stupid things kids do in college” kind of way).

So I’m not some undercover Gator fan with a malevolence born out of generational hate. I’m just a fan and I want to see you succeed.

So what I am about to suggest may come off a little weird. But just go with me.

In late March, you need to do something very bizarre. Not like Scientology bizarre, but something that is enough to give NFL GMs pause on drafting you. Nothing self-destructive or morally compromising. Maybe go visit Boy George in prison. Flip out on your trainer a la Christian Bale (NO BRUCE, LET ME FINISH!). Or maybe be seen having coffee with Vince Young or Matt Leinart.

Why would I suggest these things? Because if you don’t do something, you’re looking at being the No. 1 overall pick and the property of the Detroit Lions. Cool, right?

False actually, because there’s more significance and expectation attached to this pick than others in recent memory. The Detroit Lion faithful are refugees. They have experienced an eight year-long siege under Matt Millen and they are staggering around free, but malnourished and wounded. 

Add to that the desolation and despair saturating the city as a result of our nation’s wearied and wounded economy.

So not only are you looking at the pressure traditionally applied to No. 1 overall picks, you will also be the symbol of a reborn franchise, in the heart of a city wanting for hope. In other words, a long, LONG way from keggers in Athens.

I’m trying to set you up for long-term success. Yes, I realize that with the prospect of a cap on rookie salaries imminent, I would be crazy to advise you to try to engineer a slide down the draft. But I’m fairly certain your career will have two trajectories: Bust or Groomed to boom.

We need to ensure a slide so that you end up with a team that can be patient with you. Fiscally speaking, we're focusing on your 2nd contract and marketability. Historically speaking, busts don't command a lot of credibility among American consumers and they don't get lucrative second contracts.

Tough love time: you have poor footwork, you rely on your arm too much and you stare down receivers and entire sides of the field. Plainly put, you are immensely raw. All I want to do is make sure you go to a team that knows to slowly cook you instead of tossing you in the grill.

Detroit and San Francisco are train wrecks and you need to steer clear. The 49ers offensive coordinator is Jimmy Raye. Jimmy Raye? I think you tailgated with him last fall, right?

The Jets are at pick No. 17 but the New York media may be the worst thing that could happen to you. If you can squeak by them, you are home free. Following the Jets is a list of teams with the infrastructure to groom a raw, young QB such as yourself.

I realize that I am asking you to forfeit millions of dollars. But what is the real value on a contract from the Lions? Is it worth the same as one from, say, the Eagles, the Dolphins, or the Bears?

I would argue that when you consider the peripheral circumstances surrounding a contract from the Lions, the innate value is significantly lower, much in the same way that a house located on a sinkhole is significantly devalued.

So don't look at this as sabotage. What I am proposing is a long-term business decision. If you were a William Hung-like talent, I would urge you to get all you can while you can. But you have potential. You could be great, but you need some tutoring that only superior franchises can give you.

Do I need to summon Alex Smith or Joey Harrington's ghost of crappiness past to enlighten you on the disaster that awaits you in Detroit or San Francisco? Trust me on this. You may not want to hang out with Amy Winehouse and Mike Tyson, but the career you save may be your own. Think about it.