Big Ten Football Q&A: When You Absolutely, Positively Need a Touchdown Right Now

On Thursdays on The Big Ten Blog, we will feature questions from the B/R inbox, Twitter and email. Do you have a question for next week's Q&A? Send them to Big Ten lead blogger Adam Jacobi via the B/R inbox, on Twitter @Adam_Jacobi or at [e-mail].

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@Adam_Jacobi still doing the Q&A? If so: one drive, your lifes on the line pick the B1G qb who has to get you a TD and will.

— Dyl Mick (@djmick01) July 19, 2012"

I'm glad you asked. Here's the thing about the Big Ten this year: The quarterbacks are so, so unreliable. Denard Robinson isn't clutch unless he's throwing against Notre Dame's "defense." I've seen James Vandenberg lead a furious 21-point comeback, but I've also seen him run the offense like a scared rabbit against a real defense and throw the ball into Row Q on an out route. Matt McGloin? Lord no, not Matt McGloin.

So I guess my answer to this is Taylor Martinez, which is really to say my answer to this is "the guy who gets to hand off to Rex Burkhead." If I need a touchdown drive, I'm giving the ball to Burkhead over and over and maybe letting T-Magic keep it every once in a while.

That said, suppose the scenario is one where we're not getting past the 50 with over a minute to go. Obviously, things change at that point, and it's not exactly wise to keep feeding Burkhead.

So here, let's go a different route: Braxton Miller. Miller is a pretty accurate passer and has at least one walking matchup nightmare to throw to in Jake Stoneburner.

But what I really like about Miller is the ability to make plays happen on the scramble. When he gets loose, especially against a defense looking for the pass, he should be able to get past the sticks on a fairly regular basis, and that dangerous rushing ability can mess with defenders and free receivers up downfield. How do you think Devin Smith got so open against Wisconsin last year?

What's next? 

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@adam_jacobi Let's say there's a Big 10 5K in Chicago. (Because there is.) What mascot wins?

— Maggie Hendricks (@maggiehendricks) July 19, 2012"

I'm glad you asked, Maggie. The inaugural Big Ten 10K is next weekend on the 28th, as a matter of fact, and the conference just announced that the American Cancer Society will be the official charity. Here's the official website for the event, and even though it's sold out (which, hooray!), you should still support all those involved.

With that out of the way, let's get down to the business of answering the question.  Many mascots are just ill-equipped to run long distances on account of their horribly oversized heads (see Herky, Willie, Brutus, Goldy and Bucky). The equilibrium would be a disaster, like watching a lollipop trying to do yoga. I don't really know what I'm saying there.

And while some schools have no earthly mascot and would prefer to be represented in ethereal terms such as school spirit (Michigan, Illinois, Indiana), this is a mascot question, so they're all out.

So here's what we're left with.

The immediately obvious choice would be Sparty, but that bulk would only serve to weigh him down—especially in the last few kilometers. In a 5K, he's our guy, but under the hot Chicago sun, he's begging for cramps. Out.

Herbie Husker is evidently pretty fit, and the cowboy hat would come in handy to block the sun. He wears jeans with a belt and boots, however. The chafing would be intolerable. He's out.

The Penn State Nittany Lion (we'll call it Dana the Androgynous, Dead-Eyed Toothy Thing) is the least encumbered of the mascots, but at best, the scarf is a tripping hazard; more realistically, it's an easy way for competitors to yank Dana down from behind. We're not playing around here. No way Dana wins.

That leaves Purdue Pete, who you'd think would fall by the wayside with all the other giant-headed monstrosities, except for the fact that he's wielding a giant sledge hammer. Someone tries to pass him? BANG, just caved in your knee. Go to the doctor. Purdue Pete wins, and 32 runners are seriously injured. I told you we don't play.

We should probably move on.

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@Adam_Jacobi do you need permission from Delany to do the Q&A today?

— Patrick S. Johnston (@TheRealPSJ) July 19, 2012"

I'm glad you asked. Jim Delany is glad you asked too. Because Jim Delany sees everything. He is a good, just and wise leader! Why no, he's not standing right behind me holding a machete made of fire! Ha, ha, ha! (blinking morse code for "SEND HELP NOW I MISS MY FAMILY")

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@Adam_Jacobi 5 minutes in a cage, who do you got: Hayden Fry or Nick Saban?

— Dan V (@djv5030) July 19, 2012"

Oh ho ho, am I ever glad you asked. Author's note: I later confirmed with Mr. Dan that both men's ages are adjusted for being in their prime, and this is an unsanctioned, no-holds-barred match with all witnesses sworn to secrecy.

Hayden Fry holds the physical advantage here, since Nick Saban is roughly 5'2". Nick Saban gets piggy-back rides from Muggsy Bogues. Nick Saban wears the same size clothes as Prince. Nick Saban lost the first and only episode of "Are You Taller Than A Fifth Grader?"

However, this is a street fight we're talking about here, and everything we just mentioned actually works in Nick Saban's advantage here. Blows to the groinal area? Totally in play, and Nick Saban would definitely go straight for the pills. Hayden Fry's a Texas boy, and Texas boys are scrappers nonpareil, but they grew up learning basic rules of combat. Huge mistake here.

That's not to say Hayden wouldn't do some serious damage. I've never seen Hayden Fry punch a man, but I can just tell Hayden Fry knows how to punch a man. Also, if it gets to grappling, Fry might just be able to overpower Saban and subdue him that way.

But here's the big difference between these guys. I'll bet Hayden Fry can tolerate a lot of pain, but Nick Saban seems like the kind of guy who hits a whole new gear as soon as he's hurting. A berserker type, if you will. So unless Hayden Fry gives Nick Saban a grade-IV concussion and knocks him out for good, this fight ain't over until Nick Saban's victorious. So he's got my edge here.

At this point we've probably got to apologize to both Mr. Saban and Mr. Fry. We would never assume you're actual no-holds-barred brawlers. You are both honorable men.

OK. So. You're probably thinking that we went to a weird place there. And we did. But I promise you those were not the weirdest questions I received this week. Let's take a look at those.

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why do I even do this job RT @buddylight: @Adam_Jacobi How much money do you have in your pocket right now?

— Adam Jacobi (@Adam_Jacobi) July 19, 2012"

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(banging head against desk) RT @NDEddieMac: @Adam_Jacobi If Denard Robinson was made of Spare Ribs would you eat him?

— Adam Jacobi (@Adam_Jacobi) July 19, 2012"

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(deleting twitter account) RT @jmnpb: @Adam_Jacobi would you scale a pyramid made exclusively of human feet?

— Adam Jacobi (@Adam_Jacobi) July 19, 2012"