WWE No Way Out 2012: 10 Unorthodox Predictions for June PPV Event

The WWE's semi-spectacular No Way Out is upon us, and while it won't be as epic as WrestleMania or as curious as Extreme Rules, it could prove surprisingly decent. You know, in an Over the Limit sort of way. 

In "vintage" WWE fashion, only a handful of the confirmed matches look nice on paper.

However, titles will be on the line, Motorhead's accountant will make a "major" announcement, inept backstage vignettes will fall apart faster than properly cooked spareribs and the ring will be surrounded by chain-link fencing for a portion of the evening. 

Here's what I see going down at No Way Out. 

Christian vs. Cody Rhodes Will Steal the Show

These are two of the more athletically gifted, well-spoken and hard-working talents on the WWE roster.

They put on a very strong match at Over the Limit, which is particularly impressive when you consider it was only Christian's second televised match in months.

Christian has successfully defended the Intercontinental title on almost every Raw and SmackDown since he won it, and Cody has made it clear he's still obsessed with holding that gorgeous retro style belt. I see this match far surpassing their last, and narrowly edging out the triple threat for match of the night honors. 

This won't get the time it deserves (because God knows we need 25 minutes of ah'ing from Triple H-ah), but these two will make the most of whatever they get.

Christian keeps the strap, of course. 

Ryback Will Squash an Actual WWE Superstar (Well, Sort Of)

Ryback undoubtedly has the strangest ears in the WWE, but sadly (for us), he is also a very large human being. 

That means he gets one of WWE's signature monster pushes. I'm sure Tensai, the Prince of Japanese Trains, knows what I am talking about. Or, well, he used to.

Ryback's baffling squash streak will continue until the WWE is forced to recognize that this bag of muscles is where personality and intelligence go to die.

A year from now, he'll hopefully be a fearsome-looking jobber along the lines of the equally lame Ezekiel Jackson. 

Ryback has been rag-dolling local boobs two at a time for what seems like eons now, so I imagine the big, bald gorilla will beat up a more familiar face at No Way Out. 

WWE sees Ryback as a babyface (because whenever fans chant the name of a different, retired wrestler during all your matches, that means they dig your stuff), so at No Way Out, we'll see him obliterate someone instantly contemptible like Jinder Mahal, or even Camacho and Hunico at the same time. 

If I had the book, Tyson Kidd would be Barry Horowitzing this can-crushing dud. 

John Cena vs. Big Show Steel Cage Match Will Be Pretty Good

Big Show's part in the endless Cena/Laurinaitis storyline was stale the second it came out of the box. 

First of all, we know Big Show is not invincible. The dude and the green, mist-less Tensai faced Undertaker in a handicap match at WrestleMania XIX, and lost. Dusty Rhodes' svelte male model offspring has gotten the better of him on more than one occasion this year. Oh, and at WrestleMania XXIV, the bumbling dullard was defeated by a jailbird boxer who is no larger than your average Chinese pug. 

Also: we've seen Cena vs. Show well over six thousand times. This main event is recycled and uninspired, and the feud as a whole feels like a stalling tactic and/or full-on creative desperation.

As sloppy and boring as the feud is, I fully expect Big Show and John Cena to deliver an acceptable match to close the show. Surely, Cena's had enough practice in recent years.

God willing, Cena wins and puts us all out of our "unstoppable" Big Show misery. 

I can't wait for senile Jerry to suggest that John Cena's never gotten Show up for the Attitude Adjustment before. 

Booker T Will Say Crazy Things and They Will Be Terrific

Hate me for it, but I was never that high on Booker T as a wrestler.

There's just something about all the incessant spin- and scissor-kicking that makes me check out of his matches, as well as those of RVD and R-Truth. 

That said, I think he's the best thing to happen to the WWE announce table since Jim Ross. 

I genuinely find him that entertaining. 

To my chagrin, the company has yet to clue into the fact that fans want Booker T on Monday nights harder than Scott Hall wants his nightcap, but at least the father of the Fave Five does pay-per-views. 

I suspect the funniest moment of the night will be Booker grossly misusing a word, and Michael Cole giving him shrill hell about it. 

Something like, "Oh, here we go! D'at Daniel Bryan jus' longituded d'at boy's head off! Oh mah goodness!"

CM Punk Will Retain the WWE Championship...One More Time

I'm as keen as the next wrestlegeek on a string of four-and-a-half star matches between Daniel Bryan and CM Punk, but I don't think Kane or AJ's involvement in their feud is squashing that possibility. 

If anything, they're adding more depth to such future matchups.

Kane is a refreshing and (I hope) fleeting subplot. Punk and Bryan must conquer him before they can settle between themselves just who is the best pure wrestler in WWE. 

AJ, while frightening both as a character and an actor, infuses the situation with some pleasant and extremely rare unpredictability. 

Will she reunite with her ex and "screw" (eww) Punk out of his title? Quite possibly, but I prefer to think she's going to lend the champ some unwanted help, and that he'll keep the strap until Money in the Bank. 

I'm loving Punk's lengthy title reign, but there's no doubt that Bryan's next in line.

Brock's Visit to UFC Will Come Up

So we know Trips will be in the house, and we seriously doubt WWE will waste a precious Brock date on a minor pay-per-view without advertising him. 

Well, jinkies. Sounds like we've got a white-hot feud on our hands. 

The way to save this segment is to bring in that big, venomous mouth of Paul Heyman's. As patently out of touch as the WWE can be, I think they'll do just that. 

I have a hunch that Mr. Heyman will remind H-Cubed just how little Brock needs the wrestling business. He probably won't mention UFC by name, but certainly Brock's appearance at UFC 146 will load up any statement from the ECW mad scientist about Brock having other options.

Hopefully, Heyman doesn't eat the first ever one-armed Pedigree.

Brodus Clay Won't Be Confined to the Pre-Show

The Show vs. Cena remount could potentially be a run-in cluster-suck, which is ironic when you consider that the steel cage is often sold as a means of preventing outside interference. 

It wouldn't surprise me if appearances were made by Big Show victims Brodus Clay, Kofi Kingston, Zack Ryder and Santino, or People Power puppets Tensai, David Otunga, Tyler Rex, Curt Hawkins and others. 

In the end, the only Superstar on the list who could impact the bout's finish is Brodus, as Clay vs. Show seems like something slow and dreadful enough for the WWE to book.

If he doesn't poke his funky head out during the main event, expect to see him officially replace R-Truth as one half of the WWE Tag Team Champions, only to be shredded by a Kodiak bear minutes later in the latest installment of the Kofi curse.  

Sheamus Will Pin Ziggler, Clean

Not exactly a bold prediction, no.

But I'll take any opportunity to complain about someone like Sheamus going over someone like Ziggler. 

It shouldn't happen. It doesn't need to happen. And yet in the WWE Universe, it's what happens on a nightly basis. 

Sheamus is a slightly above-average big man worker, and outside of that, he wears Christmas-colored trunks, pounds his chest a lot and has a filthy Irish accent. 

Ziggler may not be especially tall, but he's in great shape, digs a solid match out of every opponent before him and when allowed to promo, he can garner Rick Rude-like heat. 

Stop fooling yourselves, WWE, or get the "F" out all over again. 

Santino Marella vs. Ricardo Rodriguez Won't Be Pretty...or Funny

I get it.

Santino is WWE's go-to comedic-relief guy. That's cool.

But as such, the man belongs in a backstage segment—not in a goofy stripper match that fans have to pay to watch. 

Something this cheap and utterly meaningless is forgivable on Raw or SmackDown, but it doesn't belong in the same arena as Punk vs. Bryan vs. Kane. 

The biggest shame of all is that Marella and Rodriquez are actually very funny characters, but the powers that book force them into their own very warped and dated concept of humor. The result? All of the actual funny gets squeezed out and trashed.

By the way, if someone doesn't take that U.S. belt off Santino soon, I'mma do it myself. 

It would give poor Drew McIntyre something to do when he's not on NXT. 

Kharma Always Comes Back to Get You

This is more of a prayer for the Divas division than anything.

By the way, I despise referring to the female wrestlers of WWE as "Divas," so I'm just going to stop doing it immediately.

Seriously, this is the only all-female feud in the company, and I don't even think the participants know exactly what they're supposed to be fighting about. 

Their match at No Way Out will better or equal last month's romp, but that doesn't matter if everyone in attendance is getting a refill on their soda/wobbly pop.

The division needs to re(?)capture the attention of the general public. 

Well, Kharma is enormous, with bad-ass, seemingly snake-infested hair. 

Let's do this already.