To Keith Kizer of the NSAC: A Message from Grandma

My goodness, Mr. Kizer, you must be so busy! To tell the truth, I thought that you were a figment of Dana White's imagination.

Mr. White has used your name to caution his often-impetuous fighters from behaving badly, saying that "Mr. Keith Kizer of the Nevada State Athletic Commission will be here and you better stay on your good behavior."

Yet you were not at The Ultimate Fighting Championship's TUF 8 fights when Junie Browning jumped over the octagon, nowhere near the TUF house when drunken fighters were high on pot from smoking bongs publicly in the state of Nevada, deliberately breaking glasses and bottles, destroying property, and trying to beat the snot out of each other.

Well, thank heaven that when Vaseline abuse did occur you were not only present, but able to remain on top of such a slippery and serious abuse occurring in your state. Imagine how many people could have been injured catastrophically had you not jumped into the fray!

Seriously, this is putting your state right up there in importance with Louisiana and the Hurricane disaster. How lucky that you are in control of this serious and far-reaching controversy.

Because the UFC is owned by the owners of the embattled Station Casinos and your state is the state best and most closely identified with gambling, how far does this conspiracy actually go?

WWE fans have been accusing Dana White and Company of manipulating the outcome of their MMA fights just as freely as professional wrestling does, which I thought would be illegal and disapproved of by your prestigious organization.

This is why I am so amazed at your apparent unconcern at the shenanigans which occur on the UFC Ultimate Fighter series and are telecast worldwide, giving such a poor impression of future UFC fighters.

Dana White himself told bad boy Junie Browning how his repeated bad behavior, especially jumping into the octagon, would be disapproved of and should have resulted in his being barred from fighting in your state.

Well Grandma Dee (who is writing this missive) is shocked and more than a little disappointed in your past apparent nonchalance and your present tempest in a teacup over a fight in which clearly conditioning and not illegal use of lubrication played a part.

As a confirmed user of lavender-scented (though generic) Vaseline myself, will I be barred from visiting your state?

I have been invited to a yearly Poetry.com convention which takes place in Las Vegas, but would now hesitate to cross the state line. Not that I have let the use of Vaseline become involved in my poetry—yet.

So, am I, an old, female, confirmed MMA fan, to believe that the drinking, drug use, and destruction of property, which occurs regularly and has been widely publicised on TV in the state of Nevada, is less important than a slight, inadvertent use of Vaseline during a huge money-making event which was viewed live by millions and surely profited your state?

I sure would hate to spend $50 of my husband's hard-earned money furthering illegal activity, even in the gambling state of the union.

Incidentally, did this Vaseline usage affect your enjoyment of the fight? It certainly is leaving a bad taste in my mouth, being a proud Georges St. Pierre fan.