Which NBA Owners Would Triumph in a Battle Royale Brawl?

The NBA fans and the people who cover it seem to have a big problem with teams tanking in order to get the best shot at getting a high pick in the NBA Draft Lottery. The creation of the lottery was supposed to quell tanking, and for the most part it has.

But it's just years like this when there is a sure-fire franchise changer (or two) at the top of the draft when you'll see teams shutting it down for the year in April.

Suggestions on how to fix this have varied, with one of the more interesting solutions being ordering the draft by number of wins a team has after they're eliminated from playoff contention, giving worse teams more chances at winning with fewer chances going to the borderline playoff teams. Basically, it has them competing for wins rather than competing for losses.

However, the solution that I've heard that would be the most visually stimulating and would sell like gangbusters on pay-per-view is the idea of an all-out battle royale between NBA owners.

In their weekly NBA wrap-up podcast, the guys over at The Basketball Jones talked about the entertainment possibilities from such a simple idea, even if it does mean the Bulls would never end up with a top-five pick so long as Jerry Reinsdorf is the owner of the Bulls.

However, this thought got me thinking—really, I spent way too much time thinking about this—but which NBA owner would end up winning an over-the-top-rope battle royale with Anthony Davis as the incentive to the winner?

The Rules

Before we start, we need to set some ground rules.

First, this is going to be like the old WCW pay-per-view World War 3 where everyone starts in the ring at the same time. I'm a fan of the WWE Royal Rumble style (and that's probably the only wresting-related event you can get me to sit down and watch at this point), but I want a fair fight where nobody has the advantage of coming in 30th after everyone else is beaten down and tired.

We're going with the classic over-the-top-rope rules, where a fighter is only eliminated when he's tossed over the top rope. This means an owner can exit the ring so long as they don't go over the top rope if they want to go out and grab a weapon or take a breather.

Next, and I can't emphasize this enough: Cheating is encouraged. We're talking about billionaires here, and if they want to pay someone off to club Mikhail Prokhorov in the back of the knee with a crowbar, then so be it.

Each team is allowed to send one representative. That means teams owned by a "group" like Boston will send a majority owner of their choosing, while if a team has a CEO or a Chairman, then that's the guy they'll be sending.

We're going to hold this fight as soon as the 2012 NBA Finals are over, so these owners should have enough time to get into fighting shape and amp up for the throwdown of the century.

Finally, and possibly most important, each NBA owner needs their own wrestler entrance and outfit, meaning we all need to get ready to see Mark Cuban walk out with the over-exaggerated swagger of Vince McMahon.

The Favorites

Mikhail Prokhorov

You have to imagine that the giant Russian is the overall favorite for the fight. He's a kickboxer and he towers over every other owner by at least five inches or so (for some reason, there's no database out there with every NBA owner's height and other fighting stats).

Aside from that, he's Russian. He's the perfect villain for this match.

Michael Jordan

There's no contest that could be held among NBA owners that wouldn't have Michael Jordan as one of the favorites—unless that contest was a "Who can put together the best basketball team" contest.

Jordan is so competitive that he'll come to this fight as ready as ever to take down his fellow owners.

Mark Cuban

There's no real reason behind this. He's in relatively good shape and he's a great competitor, but besides that there's no real reason to believe that he can win a fight like this.

Still, it seems like something Cuban could succeed at, just like everything else he's done in his life.

James Dolan

James Dolan is going to cheat, and he's going to cheat a lot in this fight. He's realized at this point that he has nearly been forgiven for the terrible mid-2000s with the Knicks, and if he can end up with Anthony Davis, then he may be completely forgiven.

Few owners have as much to gain as Dolan.

Dan Gilbert

Every rumble needs an irrationally confident fighter who comes in with a smug look on his face, an openness to cheating and just an overall disregard for every other person in the ring with him.

He's not the biggest, but there are fewer owners more confident than Gilbert in this fight. Plus, he tends to brag about his weightlifting prowess.

Wyc Grousbeck

He's one of the youngest fighters of the bunch, plus he was on the crew team at Princeton, and those dudes tend to be jacked. That's gotta be worth something.

Peter Holt

This dude is as close to a farm boy as you'll get in the NBA. Holt's money comes from owning the largest Caterpillar dealership in the world.

Plus, he's a Vietnam vet.

First Five Tossed

As the fighters make their way to the ring with their individual entrances drawing cheers and jeers from the Madison Square Garden fans (where else would we have such an amazing fight?) there are some guys you can tell just shouldn't be there. Sure, this is a fight where the average age is nearing retirement, but there are some who are just too old.

The bell rings and everyone looks apprehensive, save a few guys who get the fighting started almost immediately.

Michael Jordan holds nothing back, going right after Mikhail Prokhorov from the start, realizing that he's the biggest target. The rest of the fighters are fine to allow the two best athletes to fight each other.

Meanwhile, James Dolan comes out of the gate to thin out the crowd, going right after Orlando's Richard DeVos, grabbing the tiny octogenarian by the waist and thrusting him over the top rope.

Cheers for the hometown Dolan are drowned out by the gasps as DeVos hits the ground.

Clay Bennett is showing that he's going to be a big player in this fight, taking on Paul Allen. Some dirty words are thrown around and Bennett is heard shouting, "Why don't you write a program to fix that!" as he flips Allen over the top.

On the other side of the ring, five owners are ganging up on Donald Sterling, shouting about him ruining the league as they drop him onto the ground. The Clippers' bad luck continues.

While this is going on, the other Los Angeles owner, Jerry Buss is having difficulties as one of the youngest fighters in this match and his cross-country rival Wyc Grousbeck has him on the ground, pounding his face in. Joe Maloof comes over and picks Buss up with Grousbeck, flinging him over the top rope.

Finally, the newest NBA owner, and one of the oldest, Tom Benson is taken out when a stray kick from Prokhorov aimed at MJ hits Benson in the jaw, comically sending him flying over the top rope.

This entire time, Jerry Reinsdorf is crouching in the corner crying.

Prokhorov Goes Off

After realizing what he can do to all the old dudes in the ring with him, Mikhail Prokhorov realizes that Michael Jordan is perhaps the only man that can fight him one-on-one, so he decides to break free from MJ.

Prokhorov goes on to pluck guys up by the waist, hoisting them one-by-one over the top rope. In a span of just a few minutes, the big man has taken out Herb Kohl, Glen Taylor, Micky Arison and Stan Kroenke as the Bucks, Timberwolves, Heat and Nuggets (respectively) have lost their shot at the top pick.

Meanwhile, in the biggest meeting of two egos since The Rock and Ric Flair were in the same ring together, Dan Gilbert and Mark Cuban start to fight. The two of them attempt taking each other out, but their stubbornness keeps them in the ring, even as Cuban towers over Gilbert.

To save himself, Gilbert rolls out of the ring, where he finds James Dolan collecting a battery of steel chairs and trash can lids which he then tosses into the ring, knocking guys down as they land.

Clay Bennett picks up a chair and whacks Prokhorov on the skull, knocking him to his knees and stopping his crazed spree.

Peter Holt, meanwhile, sneaks up behind Bennett and gets him in a choke hold, bringing him down as a masked man sprints to the ring. The masked man grabs Bennett's legs and throws him over the top rope with the help of Holt. He takes off his mask to reveal his identity as Howard Schultz, the shamed former owner of the Seattle Supersonics who sold the team to Bennett before it was relocated to Oklahoma City.

Redeemed, Schultz leaves the ring just as Prokhorov is getting back up. The Nets owner then tosses three more guys, getting rid of Houston's Leslie Alexander, Atlanta's Michael Gearon Jr. and Toronto's Richard Peddie. 

The Owners Team Up

Realizing what's going on and that they could be doomed if they don't do something about Mikhail Prokhorov soon, the owners start to group together.

Phoenix's Robert Sarver flings himself into Prokhorov's gut, knocking the wind out of him, while Greg Miller and Joe Maloof chop him down at the knees. James Dolan, armed with a folding chair, hits Prokhorov in the back as basketball's Ivan Drago screams.

The four owners have him up against the ropes, teetering as Michael Jordan comes flying in from the other side of the ring, grabbing Prokhorov by the feet and tipping him over.

Jordan takes out Prokhorov, but the momentum of the big man going over drags Miller and Sarver along with him as the Nets, Suns and Jazz lose their representatives.

Meanwhile, the youngest guy left in the match is showing the benefits of his relative youth, as Tom Gores is flying around the ring at the springy age of 48. Gores goes full speed after Michael Heisley, the stubborn old owner of the Memphis Grizzlies who's just standing in the corner, who then crouches down and sends Gores up over his head as the second-oldest guy stays in.

The oldest dude left, Ed Snider, then comes up to Heisley with a congratulatory hand extended, but that soon turns into a full-on punch to the jaw as the Grizzlies owner crumples to the ground. Snider then plucks Heisley up by the collar and throws him up and over the ropes.

The Final 12

Stuff's starting to get real as the ring has thinned out and just 12 owners are left in the battle for the top pick. 

James Dolan continues to wield that folding chair, leaving everyone leery of the sneaky Knicks owner as he goes after Indiana's Herb Simon.

Dan Gilbert, not to be out-dirtied, grabs a trash can lid left scattered around the ring by Dolan and smacks Dolan in the back of the head with it. The big Knicks CEO crumples to the ground.

Instead of picking him up and throwing him out, Gilbert decides to rub it in as he climbs to the top rope and gets ready for a flying elbow from high up. Peter Holt rushes over to him, knocks his feet out from under him and sends him backward to the ground below, eliminating the Cavs owner.

Meanwhile, Michael Jordan spots an old man that has inexplicably lasted too long, as he slowly makes his way over to the still-frightened Jerry Reinsdorf, giving him the punch in the face that he's always wanted to give him. Reinsdorf goes down like a sack of potatoes as he throws him over his shoulder and walks him over to the ropes.

Joe Lacob is tangling with Ted Leonsis as Jordan makes his way to the ropes with the incapacitated Reinsdorf. Lacob and Leonsis are both trying to take each other out as they are tangled up next to the ropes, so Jordan hurls Renisdorf at the two of them, knocking all three guys out of the ring in the process as the Bulls, Warriors and Wizards are done.

Grousbeck now goes over to Herb Simon and Ed Snider, who are trading blows near the ropes, giving each of them an elbow to the face, knocking them both down. Mark Cuban comes over and picks up Snider as Grousbeck picks up Simon as the two throw out the Pacers and 76ers owners simultaneously. 

Six Remain

With just six owners left—Michael Jordan, Wyc Grousbeck, Mark Cuban, James Dolan, Joe Maloof and Peter Holt—things are starting to get tight.

James Dolan stands hunched in the corner, weary of everyone as Holt goes after Maloof, grabbing him by the back of the neck and throwing him to the ground. The oldest guy left in the ring is looking like the toughest.

Holt and Maloof continue to exchange blows as Jordan goes after Cuban, sending Cuban flying in the opposite direction. Once cornered, Cuban lashes out, striking Jordan in the stomach and leaving no visible harm. A few punches to the face and body and Cuban is reeling, leaving Jordan to dump him over the ropes.

Jordan then moves on to Grousbeck, who, like Dolan, is sizing up the competition. Jordan takes the same approach with Grousbeck; he manhandles him a bit and tosses him out.

Jordan then sees both Maloof and Holt coming after him, as they realize they won't be able to get him out on their own. The two start to try to dip Jordan over the ropes, but they don't have the manpower as Dolan continues to look on.

Annoyed, Jordan pushes Holt off and then bends down and throws Maloof up over his head. He then grabs Holt and does the same.

Just like that, Jordan has killed any shot San Antonio, Sacramento, Dallas and Boston had at landing Davis. And then there were two.

Michael Jordan vs. James Dolan

As soon as he realizes that he's the only one left in the ring left with Michael Jordan, James Dolan clutches that trusty folding chair closer to his chest. He knows it's his only shot at taking down MJ.

Jordan cracks a smile as he sees Dolan's face droop and then scowl at Jordan at an attempt to intimidate him, but to no avail.

Dolan comes flying out of his corner, swinging his chair wildly at Jordan, who sidesteps the madman, still smiling. Dolan comes back and does it again, but this time Jordan stays where he is, stopping a swing of the chair with his hands, wrenching the chair from Dolan's shaking hands.

MJ then winds up and smacks Dolan right across his skull with the chair, sending him barreling to the ground. He picks Dolan up, presses him over his head like Andre The Giant and hurls him out of the ring, claiming that number one pick for the Charlotte Bobcats.

Jordan turns around and does that patented shoulder shrug to the camera as the crowd boos.

The camera cuts to Spike Lee shouting violently at Jordan. Jordan turns his way and laughs as Anthony Davis walks slowly down the entrance ramp, meeting Jordan halfway in an embrace. 

The Anthony Davis Era begins in Charlotte.

If you are one of those twitterers, you can follow me @JDorsey33.