The 2012 College Football Spring Game Drinking Game

Ah, spring football. College football’s most glorious and appreciated tease.

This brief time for observation, depth chart adjustments and overreactions concludes with a game where teammates tackle one another in the name of holy scrimmage. Fans of a university are treated to this regulated performance, which could also be classified as a brief moment of offseason therapy for the rest of us.

Much like recruiting, spring football used to be an event exclusive to the pigskin junkies. Now, however, it is so much more.

A good chunk of these games are televised, and tens of thousands pour into the stadium for this important springtime affair. Alabama drew more than 92,000 fans at their spring game in 2011. In other not-so-developing news, Alabama fans really enjoy this whole football thing.

Spring football also marks a very important part of the college football offseason. We’re not at the halfway point, but we’re inching nearer to summer and crossing days off our calendar like a child anticipating Santa’s late-December arrival. It’s a sign that the fall is coming, and while teams will not scrimmage other schools—nor should they—it’s refreshing to see human beings engage in competition and carnage while wearing helmets. It’s also a slight upgrade from watching 1990s reruns on the Big Ten Network. Trust me on this one.

Over the next few weeks, many of these games will be televised on national and local networks. Not concerned about other team’s spring game besides your own? Well, perhaps we can change that.

Just like the players, we’re trying to keep ourselves in shape during the offseason. There’s no better way to do that than by partaking in the Spring Game Drinking Game (actually there are probably much better ways, but you've made it this far so just keep going). And have no fear, this particular drinking game can be used for every team and can be used on multiple occasions. We’re always thinking of you.

Enjoy.

Drink one when a friend, Twitter follower or complete stranger gushes early over a pass, catch, run, pass breakup or interception. It’s one play in a meaningless game, but he’s already decided that [insert player that may not see the field next season] will be the key difference-maker in 2012.

Drink one each time an announcer stumbles over a name or has an awkward on-air pause while trying to identify the appropriate individuals involved in a play. Players are switching teams, new faces are getting serious time, and they’re forced to decipher new names and numbers in a flash. We drink for them, not against them.

Drink one for each bit of footage of fans tailgating. Those that tailgate at a spring football game deserve to be celebrated, and the fact that they’re grilling pig and consuming an entire case of beer for what really is a glorified practice is something that should come with a football badge. They could be with their families, but they are not. Cheers to them.

Drink one for every interception. If the turnover is tossed to a linebacker, make it two. If a lineman comes away with a spring pick, make it five and enjoy the runback and eventual heavy breathing that will ensue shortly after. They would trade you thirty beers for 3 seconds of oxygen tank usage at that exact moment in time.

Drink one when a team’s regular season schedule is shown or discussed. Drink another if this schedule is either assessed as “favorable” or “difficult.” If an analyst circles a particular game or stretch of games with his handy electronic press box pen, drink one more. And drink one more after that, when you realize the football season is still far, far away. Sorry for being a downer, y’all.

Drink one when “he’s had a good spring,” "he's due to bounce back," “coaches like what they see,” “he’s gotten a lot stronger,” or “he’s matured” is mentioned on the broadcast regarding a player. I apologize in advance for this part of the exercise.

Drink one for all trick plays. If this play results in a touchdown, make it two. If this play results in a turnover, make it five. And if this play results in the Holy Grail of spring football events, a touchdown for the defense on the field, then finish your drink once you’re able to breathe properly following the onslaught of laughter and tears.

Drink one for all shots of disappointed head coaches and coordinators. It’s April, but that doesn’t matter. They simply cannot believe what they just witnessed and they’ll be damned if they let them get away with it without a moment of disappointment or a direct, on-air rant. They do it because they care.

Drink one for every touchdown. It’s been 90 days since you’ve last seen a college athlete find an end zone, and this meaningless touchdown will not go unnoticed. If this touchdown comes from a man over 300 pounds, you know what to do. So long, beverage.

Fat Guy Touchdowns have no offseason.