Peyton Manning: The NFL's Class Act? Or Just an Act?

I've been writing about sports online for almost a decade, and not once have I described a player as "classy." I don't like that word; it doesn't mean anything. It's too subjective. It's a figure-skating word. If you told me that Peyton Manning was hit by a Buick and bleeding profusely from his femoral artery, I'd know what you meant by that. But to say that he's classy? What is that?

I think "classy" is just a lazy way of praising a rich, white athlete that hasn't been arrested yet, or one that actually entertains stupid questions at press conferences, or one that doesn't blow off an autograph line at training camp. It's a label distributed to players that don't commit the misdemeanors of professionalism. Like, showing any emotion, for example.

The label gives those pundits an excuse to talk about a quarterback—this quarterback—ad nauseum. To me, "classy" is an empty compliment, like they're congratulating him for not being a troublemaker, for not being "greedy," for preserving the illusion that professional sports are just grown-up kids that feel so blessed to play a game.

Moreover, the word "classy" strikes me as a sort of beacon, signaling to the rest of the world that not only is it okay to speak disparagingly about someone that's "not classy," but you should if you're any sort of purveyor of human decency! Those who do not adhere to your rigid ideals also should be told (sarcastically, of course) to "stay classy."

But to say someone is actually "classy" comes off as a really pompous way to declare that person off limits to criticism. And with a labor force like the NFLPA that hates labels, that's one for which they all clamor.

Those guys will work their tails off to be classy, and you couldn't throw enough United Way commercials in front of them, or terminally-ill kids. Because every time I see a professional athlete in one of those photo ops, all that I can imagine is him speaking into the camera telepathically, "Please don't think I'm a dick."

Whatever.

I don't find Peyton Manning to be classy, just because he hasn't beaten up his wife or driven down I-74 after a few too many. Nor do I jump to the conclusion that any professional athlete that finds his name in the police blotter is automatically "not classy." I just don't play that game. 

Former Baltimore Ravens running back Jamal Lewis was not as capable at the game. When he was 20 years old, a woman Lewis was involved with asked him for a source from whom she could buy drugs, as told to John Feinstein in Next Man Up by Ravens president Dick Cass.

At her urging, he made a phone call. Three-and-a-half years later, Lewis fell under federal investigation for that phone call. This woman turned out to be a federal informant, and Lewis wound up doing four months in prison, even though no transaction of drugs ever took place.

This is the part where you blurt out, Stay classy Jamal!

Nice job. You really put him in his place.

Peyton Manning would never buy his girlfriend drugs, but it's not because Manning is more classy than Lewis. It's because Peyton is a freaking dork. If Peyton even had cocaine in his possession, would he even recognize it? He'd probably douse his jock strap with it.

That's a single, aberrant example. But I think you get my point.

Doesn't Justin Tuck have class? Why doesn't anyone refer to Justin Tuck as "classy," then? Or the countless other NFL players and alumnae that started and run their own charitable foundations? I might know of one reason.

But no. We just tack "classy" onto the high-profile players that we're already fellating. There goes Peyton Manning trampling another hapless AFC South team. What a class act...There's Peyton losing another divisional playoff game; what a hero for moral virtue!

Some people find that charade enjoyable, and you might be one of them, if you've actually made it this far down the page. Some parts of the PR game that I actually enjoy, but if Peyton's act was any more rehearsed, every Broncos telecast would end with him and Eli climbing through the windows of a Dodge Charger.

There's more of a beauty pageant component to pro football than any of us are willing to admit freely (How else could Mark Sanchez have scored a contract extension?). And nobody walks that NFL runway better than Peyton. I don't think he gives a damn about winning another Super Bowl. He seems quite content to simply avoid falling on his face while pulling a check for another three seasons, and then watching the football world kiss his ass for it.

It's good work if you can get it.