The Perfect Sponsor for Each NBA Team's Jersey

The NBA will hold a Board of Governors meeting this April, and one of the issues on which they could end up voting, of all things, is whether or not to allow teams to sell sponsorships on their jerseys.

When you first hear about something like this, the first reaction is almost always negative. Who wants to see the golden arches on a Miami Heat jersey or a big Subway logo on a New York Knicks uniform, right?

However, once you really start to think about it, is it really that big of a deal?

The English Premier League has had sponsorships on jerseys for as long as I can remember and nobody seems to be put off by that. Plus, what's wrong with making a few extra bucks and possibly even lowering ticket prices?

I can understand the backlash that would come with such a decision, but think of the delicious humor that could come as well. Making teams walking billboards could end up being pretty darn entertaining, and people don't seem to mind it too much in NASCAR. 

So, in the interest of breaking this idea slowly to you guys, here we have the best possible sponsor for each NBA team.

Atlanta Hawks: Corn Flakes

For whenever you want a breakfast that is both filling and food, Corn Flakes is the cereal for you. It's a breakfast that should be described as "Good Enough."

The Atlanta Hawks are a team that is good enough to make the playoffs and make the team money, but they aren't a team that is going to win a championship, and everyone knows it. Yet fans will go to see them anyway.

Here here for being good enough.

Boston Celtics: Icy-Hot

The Boston Celtics and their ever-aging roster seem to creak and crack with every move they make, and although they haven't suffered a major setback with an injury yet, they still seem to be more banged up than most teams.

They need the magic of an endless supply of free Icy-Hot sitting in their locker room to give them an advantage over their opponents.

It's too bad Shaquille O'Neal isn't on the team anymore, otherwise he could be the team's personal spokesman, wearing a generic, slightly off-colored jersey everywhere he goes, touting the benefits of the Icy-Hot patch, gel, spray, cream, wrap, and full-body cast.

Charlotte Bobcats: McDonalds

I'm just looking for a way to explain how Boris Diaw got so fat so quickly.

The big forward, listed as 235 pounds, has fallen out of favor in Charlotte, but I still want to see the golden arches on that jersey just to make me chuckle quietly to myself for a few minutes.

That 235 pounds is more like 235 going on 300, and he would make the perfect poster child for America, an athlete still making money after balooning up that quickly.

Chicago Bulls: Red Bull

Taking a page out of the book of Major League Soccer (and this is probably the only time in the world this would ever happen), the team could just tack a "Red" on the top of their jersey and the advertising is done.

They wouldn't necessarily have to change the team's name to the Chicago RedBulls, but it would be more for show than anything else.

Plus, with the intensity that this team plays with ever night, you'd think that something is out there giving them wiiiiiiings.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Quicken Loans

There's no way with Dan Gilbert ahold of this team that he lets someone else put their name on his team's jersey.

Gilbert has already thrown his company's name onto the arena (I still miss it being Gund Arena), and he pimps FatHead every chance he gets, so I see no reason a little green Q won't be somewhere in that sea of wine and gold.

Dallas Mavericks: Volkswagen

Why not advertise a little bit of German engineering on the jersey of the NBA's most recognizable German star?

It would be a nice juxtaposition for the team, just like Dirk is. He's an outsider, yet he's completely been Americanized, just like Volkswagen, as they are a German car company, but they employ a ton of Americans in making their cars.

Denver Nuggets: Twitter

The Denver Nuggets are the most fast-paced basketball team in the NBA these days, so why not hook them up with the most fast-paced social network site on the internet?

Twitter comes at you like a kamikaze, throwing information at you whether you want it or not, fistfuls at a time and with no regard for what you really want to see, making it endless and entertaining, just like the Nuggets.

Detroit Pistons: Facebook

This is a pretty simple addition for the Detroit Pistons, as they already have a nice blue background that they could pretty easily add an "F" to, completing the logo, but it also makes sense when you look at how their team is built.

The Detroit Pistons is a collection of basketball players who are too inexperienced to help much, too old to change the team as it is now, too overpaid and terrible to make the team better, with maybe two players who are worthwhile.

Meanwhile, Facebook is a place full of new people who you don't care to talk to, old friends who you never talked to in the first place, with just a handful of people that you actually give a damn about.

On top of it all, both are just a huge waste of time.

Golden State Warriors: Miller Light

Whenever I see that commercial that touts the fact that Miller Light won the gold medal for best American-Style Light Lager at the World Beer Cup four times, I always think the same thing. "How?"

It touts itself to be a great-tasting light beer, when really it's just a freaking Miller Light.

That's a bit like Mark Jackson throwing out the thought that the Golden State Warriors would be a good defensive team this year, when really they're just the freaking Golden State Warriors.

Houston Rockets: Google+

You know there's no way that if the NBA starts allowing sponsors on jerseys, Google will be left out, right?

Well, here you have the perfect team for Google to pimp its social network that nobody seems to care much about.

Google+ is a great idea, and there are a lot of features on there that seem like they would be pretty cool, but it seems like everyone is too burnt out on the idea of having another thing to look after to care much.

The Houston Rockets are kind of in the same boat, trying to be a relevant team, but they missed their train when they had a superstar, and now they're struggling for an eighth seed. 

Indiana Pacers: Wal-Mart

Why not appeal to the fans that are out there, Indiana Pacers?

What the team has as a fan base is probably the most blue collar group of people that are watching NBA games, and with the blue collar comes trips to Wal-Mart for a case of Bud Light and some Lay's potato chips. There's nothing more American.

I know I'm generalizing here, but it still makes sense, right?

Los Angeles Clippers: Apple

The Clippers are the hot new thing in Los Angeles. They've always been around, but they've always been out-shined by their counterparts with whom they share an arena.

However, with the sleek new team and the amount of ease with which you can watch one of their games, they've become a symbol of cool.

Sure, they still have their flaws (they don't have a real shooting guard), and they have an endless number of nay-sayers (just like Apple), but they're still a good team.

Los Angeles Lakers: Microsoft

Of course, if the Clippers are Apple, that would make the Lakers Microsoft.

An old team with tired superstars that was ready to be dethroned in a time of weakness, the Lakers are still putting up a fight with Kobe Bryant at the helm.

Beyond that, they are the Lakers and they always will be, and because of that you know that any period of struggle will be quick before they make it back to the top again, because hell, they're the Lakers.

Memphis Grizzlies: Brawny

For a team with incredible defense on the perimeter and in the paint, a paper towel company would make sense.

Originally, I thought Bounty to be the paper towel of choice, after all, who hasn't heard of Bounty.

However, I thought for another 12 seconds and realized my mistake—if you slap a beard on the Brawny Man, you've basically got Marc Gasol.

Miami Heat: ExxonMobil

What is something people hate more than oil companies? Well that's a short list my friend, and I think it contains just three things; Hitler, stubbing a toe in the dark, and the Maimi Heat.

Why not pair the most hated NBA team with one of the most hated types of companies out there? It just makes so much sense.

This is basically Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader, it's like teaming up Snooki and Nicolas Cage to make a movie, it's evil chocolate and satanic peanut butter. It's a match made in hell.

Milwaukee Bucks: Dove

The Milwaukee Bucks are starting to look like a team that needs to be cleaned of the dirt from it's past.

Andrew Bogut is becoming increasingly injury-prone and has been put on the trade block, Brandon Jennings wants to play in a big market, and they should have never traded for Stephen Jackson.

I'm not saying they should blow the team up. Just that they need to wash away the dirt of the past.

Minnesota Timberwolves: General Motors

Is it just me or have the Minnesota Timberwolves suddenly become everyone's second favorite team?

By that I mean that very few people out there will see the Timberwolves and say something negative. Everyone kind of wants them to be successful at this point.

On the same page, most Americans will look at the car companies in the US and just hope for their success at some level. Nobody wants General Motors to fail, it would just be too hard to see.

New Jersey Nets: Pepsi

Listen, there are millions of people out there who prefer Pepsi to Coke, and it is a tasty beverage, but Pepsi will always be the second banana to Coke's first.

The New Jersey Nets are squeezing themselves into New York City, infringing on the Knicks' territory, and while they will gain some fans and could even end up being better than the Knicks if things fall the right way, they will always be the second fiddle in the basketball concerto in New York.

New Orleans Hornets: Blockbuster

How much could it possibly cost to be the main sponsor of the New Orleans Hornets anyway? Could Blockbuster still afford it? Is Blockbuster still a thing?

The company that looks like the Titanic did about two-and-a-half hours in should go ahead and hop on board with the NBA team that looks the same way.

New York Knicks: Juicy Fruit

Are you looking for a gum that is always delicious for the first two minutes of chewing it before it eventually fizzles out and becomes no more than a rubbery, flavorless wad of in your mouth? Well then you want Juicy Fruit my friend.

Like the Knicks, who look, sound and smell like a great team, Juicy Fruit looks good when you grab it in the store, and there are times when it tastes amazing, but in the end all you have is some crappy gum.

The Knicks have the feel of a great team, but they're just going to end up disappointing.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Garmin

Really any GPS device would work well for the Oklahoma City Thunder, it just makes too much sense.

The Thunder have created the perfect road map for a small market team to get to the top of the league and turn into favorites to win their conference.

Plus, Garmin could roll out a line of GPS devices where you could have James Harden or Kevin Durant as the voice that tells you which way to turn. I would buy that.

Orlando Magic: Sirius XM Radio

Along the same lines as Blockbuster sponsoring the Hornets, why not get a company that might as well be bankrupt to sponsor the team that might as well blow up their roster?

The satellite radio company has some hold in the US only because so many cars offer a subscription when you buy it, otherwise, who pays for radio these days? Is that not a market open to 59 people or am I crazy?

Philadelphia 76ers: Pfizer

One of the biggest pharmaceutical companies in the world, Pfizer is a company that works to keep you healthy (and sells those little blue pills), defending you against sickness.

So, as my corny brain works on the corniest thoughts possible, I have concluded that a company with the goal of defending you from sickness should sponsor the best defensive team in the NBA, and that just so happens to be the Philadelphia 76ers.

Phoenix Suns: Silk

For those of you that don't know, Silk is a company that makes dairy-free and organic milk, whether it be soy, almond or coconut.

Why Silk you say, why Steve Nash of course. If the team is going to be as dedicated to him as they are, why not show some love to the dairy-free milk industry, as it's a part of his strict diet.

Not only is this the diet that got Nash to where he is today, but it also got Jared Dudley to lose a few pounds, which should be telling enough.

Portland Trail Blazers: Band-Aid

Too easy, right?

As a reflection of the team's decades-long history with bad injuries, the Portland Trail Blazers with a nice little Band-Aid logo on their jersey would be too much humor to pass up.

On top of that, I feel like the fans of the team are accepting enough to appreciate the humor that would come with it, so why not just slap that logo on there now?

Sacramento Kings: Old Spice

The motivation behind this is that I want DeMarcus Cousins to be the new Old Spice spokesman.

Isaiah Mustafa has been great as the original "Old Spice Guy" and Terry Crews is amazing as the latest spokesman (pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-power), but I want to see Boogie Cousins' crazy self in some commercials, and I feel like Old Spice is just creative and cool enough to harness his inner crazy and make it all work.

San Antonio Spurs: AIG

Why AIG you ask? Well, AIG is a very recognizable brand in the sports world as they were the main sponsor of Manchester United up until two years ago, so you know they have some sort of a foothold in the sports world.

Aside from that, what better company to sponsor a team that has always been considered "boring" than an insurance company. You can't get much more boring than that.

Toronto Raptors: Royal Bank of Canada

It seems like it would be inevitable that a Canadian company would end up sponsoring the only Canadian team in the NBA, and why not make it the biggest Canadian company if you're going to go with one?

The Royal Bank of Canada already has a foothold in the sports world with the naming rights of the RBC Center in North Carolina, the home of the Carolina Hurricanes and the NC State Wolfpack, so it would make sense for the company to get into basketball as well.

Utah Jazz: Budweiser

Why not continue to make the Utah Jazz a team that just doesn't make any sense?

With all the confusion around the name of the Jazz (why didn't a name change come when they left New Orleans?), I would love to see their sponsor be at odds with the community.

Salt Lake City, the home of the Utah Jazz, is also the home of Mormonism, a religion that strictly forbids the consumption of alcohol. So go ahead and grab that market by the horns, Budweiser.

Washington Wizards: State Farm

Washington needs something to help them get rid of their stupid mistakes from the past, and now with stupid mistakes running their team, it's going to be difficult to reverse this losing trend.

The fans need to see something on this team that speaks safety and forward-thinking, which insurance companies specialize in, otherwise they'll think they're stuck seeing JaVale McGee and Nick Young doing strange and crazy things for the rest of their days.

If you are one of those twitterers, you can follow me @JDorsey33.