NBA Trade Deadline: What Every NBA Star on the Trade Block Is Thinking Right Now

Professional athletes have feelings too.

When questioned about their names popping up in trade rumors, players (minus Lamar Odom) always answer with the cliché: It’s a business.  But you’d have to be a sucker to believe that they don't actually care about being dealt away.  

I mean, where you live and the people around you are sort of big deals in a person’s life, even if you’re making bank either way.

And on that note, I would like to welcome you to the world of every NBA star that’s on the trade block right now. Here’s what they’re thinking.

Warning: Believe it or not, none of the following quotes are real.

8. Ray Allen

Ray Allen is thinking: "Trade me?  To the Clippers?"

"Apparently, Danny Ainge can’t see that I’m the only one putting the ball in the basket with any efficiency.  I’m the greatest shooter to ever grace the planet.  Talk about being taken for granted.

And if Chris Paul thinks I’m gonna be hustling up and down the court only to watch him throw alley-oops to Blake Griffin and that other tall guy, then he’s got another thing coming."

7. Monta Ellis

Monta Ellis is thinking, “Does Chris Bosh look stupid in this picture or what?"

"Anyway, if there was a single statistic that accounted for scoring and being unappreciated, I’d lead the league by a mile.  If you round up, I drop 30 every single night, and my name is never mentioned among the league’s best.

So what if I’m a 185-pound 2-guard?  Coach Jackson always tells me and Stephen Curry that it’s not about the size of the warrior in the fight, but the size of his sword. Hold up, did I get that right?”

6. Pau Gasol

Pau Gasol is thinking, “No, I don’t want to go play with that annoying Ricky Rubio.  I have to play with him in Spain, and that’s too much already. 

"Every pass he throws has to be no-look, and I can never tell when the ball is coming—he fakes me out.

People think just because we speak the same language, we’ll get along like brothers.  Kobe Bryant and I speak in Spanish on the court all the time.  He is my brother from another mother: the Black Mamba and White Llama.”

5. Kevin Garnett

Kevin Garnett is thinking, “What the (expletive)? You have got to be (expletive) kidding me!  I’m Kevin (expletive) Garnett!"

"Trade me?!  The Minnesota (expletive) Timberwolves traded me and look what (expletive) happened to them!  Yeah, that’s right, they got (expletive).

I’m the (expletive) heart and soul of this (expletive) team.  This (expletive) franchise would still be (expletive) stuck at No. 16 if it wasn’t for me.  (Expletive) that noise!”

4. Paul Pierce

Paul Pierce is thinking, “Everybody hates Paul."

"I grow up in Los Angeles, and now they hate me.  I play my entire career in Boston, and now they want to trade me.  Last time I checked, Kansas didn’t have a pro basketball team, so I’m out of regions.

I guess if worst comes to worst, I can go help Allen Iverson pay back his gambling debt over in Europe.”

3. Andrew Bynum

Andrew Bynum is thinking, “I am a walking trade rumor.  Well, at least when the ligaments in my knees are working."

"This season is a down year for me in terms of trade talk.  I have been linked to Jason Kidd, Chris Bosh, Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul, but the only player in the league the Lakers would trade me for now is Dwight Howard. 

At least now I’m Kobe Bryant's right-hand man over that funny-looking softie.” 

2. Rajon Rondo

Rajon Rondo is thinking, “Danny Ainge wouldn’t know talent if it threw him a no-look, between-the-legs pass—which I can do with the precision of a sniper." 

"I average 14.3 points per game.  My 10.2 dimes pretty much account for the rest of our offense.  I’m third on the team in rebounding, and I’m 6’1”, 186 (expletive) pounds.  Excuse my language.  KG is rubbing off on me. 

Back to my boards, of which I average 5.4 a game—the exact same amount as that 6’11”, 255-pound tub of lard Jermaine O’Neal.  Please trade me; Boston won’t win another game.” 

1. Dwight Howard

Dwight Howard is thinking, “Three more months and I’m free!"

"Forget it.  I’m not forcing my way out of Orlando and making myself look like a villain.  If they want to trade me, that’s cool.  And if they want to keep me…well, that sucks!

I warned them.  I even showed them a list.  But hey, as long as I get out of town without looking like LeBron James, I’ll be the happiest man alive.”

David Daniels is a featured columnist at Bleacher Report and a syndicated writer.

Follow @TheRealDDaniels