20 Completely Nutty and Bizarre Predictions for the 2012 College Football Season

The 2012 college football season may be more than six months away, but that doesn't mean we can't start making predictions, right?

While this time of year is filled with anticipation for spring practice and predictions about who will beat who and what team will end up on on top of the SEC or Big Ten or Pac-12 next season, we decided to lighten things up a bit by taking a crack at some predictions we're pretty sure no one is making.

We're going to take a look at 2012 with some zany predictions, some of which might actually come true next season.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy our list of 20 completely nutty and bizarre (not to mention tongue-in-cheek) predictions for the 2012 college football season.

College Football Fans Unite, Craig James Finally Gets Fired

One of the running themes in college football in the chalky and somewhat bitter taste Craig James seems to leave in the mouths of so many college football fans.

Without a doubt, one of the most popular Twitter hashtags during the football season is #FireCraigJames. Every autumn Saturday evening, social media focuses the nation's dislike for the ESPN analyst many see as elitist, cocksure and downright annoying.

After proclaiming last season that he had Stanford at No. 3 on his ballot the same week he had Boise State at No. 10 (because Boise State hadn't played anyone, despite the fact that BSU had defeated a ranked Georgia team and Stanford had yet to play a team with a winning record), most of us had finally had enough.

With an ongoing feud with the new head coach of Washington State, ESPN will finally discover that it can no longer afford to ignore a simmering scandal surrounding James' involvement in Leach's ouster at Texas Tech, and the “Worldwide Leader” sends James packing.

Miami Gets Through a Season Without Incident, SI Still Calls for Ending Program

It seems that nowadays, the scandal-free years in South Beach are in woefully short supply.

Al Golden is in charge now, though, and after spending much of last season and the upcoming off-season weeding out the bad apples, Miami will have one of those magical—and fleeting—incident-free seasons.

It won't be enough to stave off major NCAA sanctions, though.

Mike Leach Has All Locks Removed on Washington State Tool Sheds

We've already mentioned Mike Leach and his ouster from Texas Tech, allegedly at the behest of Craig James after Leach supposedly locked James' Red Raiders son in a tool shed (or garage, or closet, depending on who is telling the story).

Just to make sure no over-bearing, self-aggrandizing, legend-in-his-own-mind parent makes any accusations, Leach will take preemptive measures to ensure that no one can be locked inside of anything at Washington State.

Houston Discovers Life After Keenum, Campus Counselors Overwhelmed

Case Keenum was without a doubt the best thing to happen to the University of Houston since Fred Couples.

Now that Keenum has exhausted his NCAA eligibility—and then some—at Houston, the Cougars will need to find a way to move forward.

Unfortunately, the next Joe Montana, Colt McCoy, Kellen Moore, Colt Brennan or Case Keenum is not waiting in the wings.

While a 13-1 season was certainly a wonderful thing for the Houston faithful, a precipitous fall from those lofty accomplishments will send a torrent of grief-stricken Cougars fans to the campus counseling center.

Rich Rodriguez Leans That Arizona Isn't Michigan, or West Virginia

After announcing he was leaving West Virginia for the much-greener pastures of Ann Arbor, Rich Rodriguez found out that hell hath no fury like the Appalachian folk scorned.

After years of unparalleled success at WVU, Rodriguez was burned in sofa-effigy throughout the state, simply because he decided to take a better paying job at a much more prestigious university with a much more historically successful program.

Mountaineers fans rejoiced as RichRod fell flat on his face at Michigan, and the snobbier-than-thou academic elitists at Michigan were only too happy to bid adieu to the famously plain-spoken, twang-talking Rodriguez.

Rich Rod will find Arizona to be neither of his previous two experiences.

First, Arizona fans have suffered through more than a few losses these past few years, and Rodriguez will be given a little leeway in his first few seasons.

Unlike Michigan, his program-changing theories won't be ridiculed, and unlike West Virginia, his family will likely be able to sleep at night without worrying about flaming furniture on the front lawn.

WVU Has Trouble Adjusting to Big 12, Still Makes BCS Bowl

Speaking of West Virginia, it was recently announced, at least officially, that the Mountaineers will be joining the Big 12 in 2012.

West Virginia will quickly discover that the Big 12 is not the same animal as the Big East. Not by a long shot.

In the Big East, the biggest “competition” came from teams like Cincinnati and Connecticut. Now, the challenges will come from Texas and Oklahoma.

The Big 12 is also a different brand of football than what most people see out East, and it's going to take some time for WVU to adjust.

Still, the Mountaineers will miraculously find a way to win just enough games in the Big 12 next season to back-door their way into the BCS for a second straight season.

Besides, if there's one coach who knows how to beat Big 12 teams, it's Dana Holgorsen.

E. Gordon Gee Gets His Much-Deserved Walking Papers

Ohio State University president E. Gordon Gee is not only one of the most weaselly people you'll even see, his actions back up the persona.

In the midst of the whole Tattoogate cover-up perpetrated by now disgraced former Ohio State head sleaze Jim Tressel, Gee actually had the chutzpah to tell the media that he hoped Tressel didn't dismiss him when a reporter asked if there was any thought of dismissing the head football coach.

That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is a sure sign that a university president does not have control over his football program.

Still, Gee kept his job longer than Tressel, and now it seems as if the list of Gee's personality traits just got a little longer. You can now add colloidal flip-flopper right after weaselly.

In a recent interview, Gee actually suggested he might be in favor of a college football playoff system, is stark contrast of his defense of the “One Percenters” of college football.

Pretty soon, Ohio State fans won't know what to believe. And neither will the board.

In the next step towards restoring the pride and honor of The Ohio State University, Gee finally heads for the exit.

Tennessee Removes New MMA Cage After Football Players Start Breaking Jaws

Yes, Tennessee actually thought it was a good idea to build an MMA ring in their newly renovated athletic facilities.

Why? Who can tell (we highly doubt MMA is on the cusp of NCAA recognition).

While MMA has plenty of fans (heck, even B/R has an UFC section) who love the sport, it's probably not a good idea to let a couple of 240-pound linebackers go a few rounds before Alabama or LSU comes for a visit.

Football players are some of the best athletes on the planet, and an MMA ring is like throwing a raw steak into a pit of lions and expecting them not to eat it.

After the first broken jaw, Tennessee promptly removes the ring.

Big East Puts WVU Exit Money to Good Use

The Big East and West Virginia have finally come to an understanding.

Reportedly, that understanding involved a hefty exit fee, far in excess of what the Big East bylaws state. In return, the Big East is dropping their opposition to WVU's departure.

The end of this saga is like coming to the end of a nasty celebrity divorce. West Virginia gets to move on to their next rock-star girlfriend while the Big East is left with the mansion and the annoying chihuahuas.

The Big East is in a spot of trouble when it comes to football, but now the conference will have at least several million dollars to throw around to lure another program to the ranks of the soon-to-be non-AQ conference.

Bill the Goat Quarantined by Irish Customs, Misses Game

One of the neatest things we're going to see in the fall is the season-opener between Notre Dame and Navy in Dublin, Ireland.

The Fighting Irish return to their roots, so to speak, by agreeing to bring a much-needed economic boost to a European nation sporting an unemployment rate that's been above 14 percent for nearly a year.

Traditional rival Navy will provide the opponent for the Golden Domers, but at least one member of the team won't make it to the stadium for the game.

We predict that some Irish customs agent gets a little too fired up for the game, and quarantines Bill the Goat just long enough to preclude his participating in any Navy cheering.

Can't be too careful when it comes to... mad goat disease?

They'll think of something.

Oregon Shows Up in Glow-in-the-Dark Uniforms, Removes Stadium Lights

Oregon isn't shy about unveiling new and, at times, bizarre new uniforms.

With the Ducks' connections to Nike, we never really know what we're going to see next from Oregon's wardrobe department.

This season will be another first for the football jersey-wearing world, as Nike and Oregon introduce their first-ever glow-in-the-dark football uniforms.

Always mindful of environmental issues, Oregon decides it no longer needs those electricity-guzzling lights (since everyone can now see everyone else in the dark), and the university does its part to help end global warming.

Mark Dantonio Gives Other Coach Heart Attack

Mark Dantonio's call of a fake field goal against Notre Dame in overtime to give Michigan State a thrilling victory will live forever in the lore of Sparty.

What makes the moment so special is not just the thrilling end, but the fact that it literally gave Mark Dantonio a heart attack.

After an emotional outpouring of support from the MSU community, Dantonio recovered, and soon returned to the Spartans' sideline.

Now, it's the other guys' turn for a coronary.

Mark Dantonio and his staff have spent the better part of two years coming up with every conceivable trick play one can imagine, and in 2012, MSU will begin to display some of that famous Dantonio guile on the field.

In another thrilling overtime game, MSU will have their opponents clutching their collective chests.

Maryland Releases Another New Jersey, Reports of Seizures Surface

After the eyesores Maryland calls uniforms were debuted last season, one can only guess what's in store for 2012.

In the world of high definition and 3D television, the colors are more vibrant and more vivid than ever before. That fact will become painfully obvious next season and Maryland players take the field in their next mind-numbingly busy and bright uniforms.

The bright lights and modern televisions do such a great job of broadcasting the Andy Warhol train wreck uniforms to the masses that reports of seizures begin to surface.

Before long, Maryland games will come with a disclaimer.

Texas A&M and Missouri Find Comfort in Each Other'S Arms

The two new programs in the SEC had less-than-stellar 2011 seasons.

Texas A&M clearly was a bust, at least compared to the preseason expectations, and Missouri seemed to stumble right out of the gate.

We're about to find out how two teams that ended 2011 in the middle of the road in the Big 12 will fare against the conference to end all conferences.

Our prediction is that neither A&M nor Mizzou will be able to provide much more than a passing curiosity in the SEC next season, and the biggest game for each of these two previously Big 12 teams will likely be the regular season finale, when the Tigers visit the Aggies on Nov. 24.

Misery loves company, and there will be plenty to go around in College Station in late November.

Ohio State Takes the Bowl-Less Season as an Opportunity to Actually Win Games

After the clusterflop created by Tattoogate, Ohio State stumbled through the 2011 season en route to its first losing season in well over a decade, and only its sixth conference losing record since the end of World War II.

As part of the penalties Ohio State will endure, the NCAA has banned the Buckeyes from postseason play in 2012.

That means no bowl, and no Big Ten Championship Game.

But much like we saw with USC in 2011, the Buckeyes will take this “opportunity” to set up for future success—by actually winning some games in 2012.

After a few gimme games (against Miami University, Central Florida, Cal, and Alabama-Birmingham), the Buckeyes get underway in the Big Ten against defending Legends champion Michigan State on Sept. 29.

Ohio State will then have to deal with Nebraska before enduring the built-in fluff of its Big Ten schedule (Indiana, Purdue, and Illinois with Penn State thrown in there) before ending the year with two daunting challenges against Wisconsin and Michigan.

While Ohio State will have the returning talent necessary to win any or all of these games, don't bet on a 12-0 season for the Buckeyes.

Even though the rest of the nation will enjoy another year without Ohio State to worry about, don't bet on another losing year for Ohio State, either.

Boise State Becomes Henry Bemis University

In the first season of The Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough at Last,” bank teller Henry Bemis found the world destroyed, all life gone, and was left with nothing but his beloved books to read.

In one of the most famous television moments, Bemis bent down to pick up the first book of what was sure to a be a blissfully uninterrupted life of reading, he dropped his reading glasses, which shattered.

“That's not fair. That's not fair, at all. There was time now. There was all the time I needed!”

Boise State may begin to feel like Henry Bemis in 2012. Gone from the Mountain West is nemesis Texas Christian. Gone is much of the talent from the remaining teams that could cause problems for Boise State.

It seems there is time, time enough at last for Boise State to run rampant through the conference, uninterrupted, and capture a Mountain West title.

But much like Bemis, it seems Boise state has dropped its glasses. Gone is quintessential winner Kellen Moore.

That's not fair! There was time now!

USC Returns to Dominance, Conference Returns to Irrelevance

Remember the good old days of the Pac-8 or Pac-10? You know, the days when it was USC and the rest of the teams?

Well, the modern Pac-12 is about to enter into its own stretch as the conference of USC-plus.

Last season, USC defied expectations, and found a way to end the year with an impressive 10-2 record and top five finish in the final AP Poll, despite being ineligible for postseason play.

It didn't take long for USC fans to begin declaring who really won the Pac-12 South Division last season, even though the rest of the world paid the Trojans nation no mind.

Now, it counts. And USC is hungry for a return to glory after several years of disgrace.

The road also just happens to be a little easier this season, too.

The two losses for the Trojans last season were against Arizona State and Stanford. Both the Sun Devils and Cardinal will be woefully short on returning talent in 2012, and it looks as if the Trojans' only real in-conference competition will be Oregon.

But the Ducks, too, will have to find a way to maintain their high-octane offense without the services of some former stars (plus, USC deflated the Ducks' BCS title game hopes last season in Eugene).

In the end, it looks as if 2012 is shaping up to be just like the “good old days” out west.

USC needs to start making room in the trophy cases now.

Big Ten Renames Divisions, Fans Still Unhappy

When the Big Ten added Nebraska as its 12th team, the conference finally broke into two divisions, and added a much-needed championship game.

But rather than splitting into two sensible groupings, the conference opted instead of a hodgepodge of teams in each division, confusing everyone.

The first major problem with the new divisions was that no one could remember who was in what division.

The second problem? The names chosen. The Legends Division and Leaders Division.

The backlash from fans was almost instantaneous.

Most conferences have opted for cardinal descriptors of the divisions (east/west or north/south), or some other understandable naming (like the ACC's Atlantic and Coastal). The Big Ten decided to be different.

Well, don't think the complaints have fallen on deaf ears. The Big Ten will rectify this issue in 2012.

And the fix will satisfy no one.

Les Miles Forgets Where He Is, Eats Field Turf

We all got a kick out of Les Miles and his taste for prescription athletic turf.

Most football fans enjoy a good steak every now and then, and if steak comes from cows, and cows eat grass, that must be good enough for Coach Miles, right?

Miles has said it's sort of a good luck charm. It sort of calms him down, and has become part of his unique persona, like NHL legendary coach Scotty Bowman eating ice chips throughout a game.

But the competition in the SEC is fierce, and it's doubtful whether any team, much less LSU, can continue on a conference winning streak over multiple seasons these days. That means Miles and his Tigers are much more likely to have a few close shaves—even losses—in 2012.

Will the proliferation for FieldTurf around the nation, Miles will have fewer places to find his mid-game salad. We predict that at least once in 2012, Miles will reach down for a few blades, only to find them sewn down.

We're not sure how FieldTurf tastes, but it's probably not much worse than grass.

The SEC Loses the BCS Title Game; Fans Have to Be Collectively Talked Off Ledges

SEC fans absolutely love to remind everyone that their conference has won six BCS titles in a row—as if no one else in college football matters.

Whatever reason you like to use to explain the SEC's dominance in the title game over the past several seasons, even the backwoods bumpkins among SEC fans know that it can't last forever.

In fact, the SEC is quickly coming to the end of its historic run.

Why, you ask? It's really quite simple. It's not that any particular conference is going to be leaps and bounds better in 2012 than in 2011, but rather that the SEC is getting a little too big for its own britches.

Arkansas, LSU and Alabama have proven that any conference can produce several very good teams in a given year, and that's exactly what is bound to happen against in 2012. The SEC will have so many good teams rising to the top, there won't be room for everyone.

The conference won't be any worse next season, and may in fact be a bit better. But that will only lead to cannibalism in the conference, as the SEC knocks the snot out of itself.

Should an SEC team manage to make yet another BCS Championship Game come next January, that team will find the 14th game of the year one too many to win.

Our long national nightmare is finally over, and the long nightmare of the south is just beginning.

All across Dixie, fans will slip into deep despair, and grief counselors and psychologists from Baton Rouge to Columbia, from The Swamp to Rocky Top will have their work cut out for them.