WWE and TNA: 10 Christmas Presents from Jolly Old Bleacher Claus

Ho Ho Ho!  Merry Christmas!

That's right, kids, it's jolly old Bleacher Claus, and I hope everyone's been extra nice this year, because I have a big sack full of toys that are loaded up and ready to be delivered!

Anyone buying this?  No?  Crap.

Oh well, in the spirit of fun, and in the spirit of Christmas, yours truly decided to compile this little list of gifts that I think some of the industry's stars deserve this year.

Of course, some of these little trinkets may not exactly be on any of these folks' wish lists.  In fact, you could say that perhaps some of these items would not be very welcome at all.

And, the truth is, some of you readers out there may not approve of these gifts, as they may be directed at your own favorites of the business.

But as pro wrestling fans, we all know that, sometimes, the truth hurts.  

So turn those frowns upside down, put on a Southpark Christmas special and let's get merry!

Seriously, get into it, will you?  You're ruining it for everyone.

For the TNA Originals

For everyone's favorite TNA originals, Bleacher Claus has the gift of better promo lines!

That's right, guys, no more will you have to repeat the same old tired mantra every time you have the mic in your hand, no more repetitive strolls down memory lane.

Come on fans, sing along!

"I was one of the first guys here, and I've been busting my a** for years in this ring.  It's because of me, and a handful of other guys in the back, that there is a TNA in the first place.  We built this company!  I love this business, and it's because of my sacrifice, and their sacrifices, that we are the best d*** wrestling company in the world!"

Seriously, how many times can this point be said, repeated, repeated some more and then repeated again? Enough already.

You guys started everything, you put TNA on the map—yes, yes, we got it.  Man.  Can we move on now?

AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Robert Roode, James Storm, Samoa Joe, Motor City Machine Guns—mad respect from Bleacher Claus; you guys are the best of the best, no doubt.

But enough talking about it.  Please.

For Batista

Ah yes, the Animal.  Well, Bleacher Claus is here for you, Batista, because I have for you a brand new hobby so you can get over yourself!

That's right, jolly old Bleacher Claus has been following you on Twitter the whole year, and the truth is, you've been pretty naughty at times.

Ripping on fans, ripping on WWE (the company who made you a star) and ripping on anyone who levels any criticism your way.

Now, no one here at the workshop expects you to just roll over and play dead, but you do seem to have an inordinate amount of time on your hands.  Perhaps a new hobby is in order until your fighting career takes off.

And we all know it's going to (wink wink, nudge nudge).

Bird watching, stamp collecting, maybe even a cooking class down at the community college!

That's right, you would have to be able to read the recipe cards.  For that matter, how did you know that fans have been criticizing you online, did someone read it to you?

OK, that was a cheap shot. Bleacher Claus shouldn't have done that.  But hey, maybe you would be better served to take a cue from your old pal John Cena and just "rise above the hate."

The fact is, Dave, can I call you Dave? Dave, Bleacher Claus believes that there is a good reason why fans give you such a hard time.  Let me break it down for you.

You see, all of those guys that you said respected your work—Triple H, Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, Stone Cold, Edge, John Cena, Eddie Guerrero and Ric F*****g Flair—they all have the respect of the fans who gave them all a very comfortable living.  You don't.  And I believe that makes you crazy.

Scratch that, not every fan respects Cena.  A lot of people hate on him, too.  But Dave, John has more respect for the business, and for the fans, in one finger than you have in that entire, until recently jacked up, body of yours.

Oh, yeah, and he stuck around.  

So, Batista, on behalf of myself, and all of the other "b***h a** haters," as you so affectionately called them, enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, because they're almost up. And enjoy your new hobby!

Merry Christmas!

For Shaquille O'Neal

Ho ho ho, what do we have here?  A gift for Shaq himself?  What could Bleacher Claus possibly have in his WWE bag for the NBA world champion?

Why, a WrestleMania contract, of course!  

The latest rumor is that O'Neill is in talks with WWE to face Big Show at next year's WrestleMania in Miami.  While it's very early, and this rumor is still very fresh, jolly old Bleacher Claus is definitely a fan of this idea.

Not everyone is cut out for the ring. It takes more than just athleticism and name recognition to make a match look good, and while Shaq has an abundance of that, some fans may be against this idea.

But boys and girls, the fact is that Shaq was made for WWE.  Every time he has appeared for the company he's been over with the crowd and obviously had a lot of fun doing it.  He has the charisma and the personality to pull it off and more importantly than that, Shaq understands show business.

He knows that he would not just be there as himself, but that he would also be playing a role.  It's all about entertainment, and love him or hate him, he is undeniably very good at putting on a show whenever he's in front of a camera.

Shaq versus Show, on the grandest stage of them all.  Let's tie a bow on that one, and stuff it under the tree!

For the WWE Divas

Now, you know that Bleacher is all about the ladies, and not just because they're tough, and sexy, but because they deserve all of the opportunities at success in the ring that the men have.

So, it's with that belief that Bleacher Claus gives you ladies the gift that you've always wanted.

Relevancy.

It's a big undertaking, no doubt about it, and it requires a lot of elements to make it work.

The first is talent.  The Diva's division needs more workers, and Bleacher is reaching out to TNA, and the independent circuit.  If a lady can work, and she is busting her hump to get up in the business, then she has a place in WWE.

CM Punk got it done for the men, as every championship is currently held by workers who can really go in the ring.  He set out to facilitate change, and now it's happened.

The Divas deserve the same, and if anybody can make it work, it's jolly old Bleacher.

Don't worry about the logistics of this whole thing, it's a nightmare, trust me.  But I have your back, ladies. I'm going to make this happen.

Hey, I manage to deliver presents all over the world in the span of just one night; I think I can fix the WWE Diva's division.

At least, I think so.

For TNA

To be honest, I had every intention of hooking you guys up with something.  Something big, something important, to help put your company on the right track.  

But there are some Christmas miracles that even old Bleacher Claus can't pull off.

This one's bigger than me.  I got nothing.

For Brodus Clay

Hey Brodus, it's Bleacher.  I know, you're chomping at the bit to get back in a WWE ring and enjoy the push that the company has been talking about since, well, forever, it seems.

You were supposed to debut on November 7th, but yeah, you didn't.

So now, here we are, heading into Christmas, and still nothing.  

Now, we all know that you look like a generic sample wrestler from the old SmackDown versus Raw video games, but we also know that you're a hoss, who could be a very good big man if given the right opportunity.

So, here's your opportunity, Brodus, Merry Christmas!  Your debut will be next week on Raw!

Unless I have to move it to SmackDown.  On second thought, the Royal Rumble would be the best venue to showcase your ability and make a huge imapct!

Then again, there's nothing like the Raw after a pay-per-view for a debut, so maybe that's the better idea.

You know what?  I'll have to get back to you. 

For Eric Bischoff

Ho ho ho, Eric.  I want you to know that I've received your letters.

All of them.

And yes, I am attempting to read them all.  But to be honest, my big night is right around the corner, and I'm quite frankly just going to run out of time.  However, I think I've read enough to know what you want.

Now, we both know that you keep asking for the same thing every year, and every year I don't deliver. The bad news is, this year is going to be no different.

The fact is, I just can't do it for you, Eric.  I just can't give you Vince McMahon's life.

In case you didn't read the first part of this little slideshow, I have already told your talent that there was nothing I could do to help set your company straight.  I just don't have that kind of Christmas magic.

I know, it's sad to hear that I can't turn you into the wealthiest, most successful worldwide owner and CEO that Vince is.  But we've been down this road before.

Remember back in WCW, when you asked for the same thing?  Bleacher Claus told you no then, too. But instead of taking my advice and just focusing on the product that your company was putting out, you chose instead to worry yourselves more about what WWE was doing, and how you could win the ratings war.

And look what happened.

But Bleacher Claus knows best, and it's for your own good.  The way you constantly insult fans online and berate anyone whose opinion differs from yours has put you on the naughty list, my friend.

Shame shame, everyone knows your name.

Unfortunately.

For Bleacher Claus

What, Bleacher Claus can't have a gift at Christmas?  I spend 364 days of the year working round the clock to make sure the whole freakin' planet has a great holiday, and I can't get just one little old present all to myself?

Are you serious bro?

For CM Punk

CM Punk, your call for change in WWE was heard loud and clear by the powers that be.  Now, for the first time in a long time, all of the company's championships are held by workers who are considered wrestlers more than entertainers.

It's a new day for the business, and fans have you to thank for it.

So, only the most thoughtful gift, only the most special present will do, and Bleacher Claus has just the thing to make your Christmas bright.

That's right, it's your very own WWE ice cream bar!

Thing is, I don't have them yet. My people are still talking to their people, and it's sure to get ironed out in no time!

OK, well, they haven't exactly returned any of my phone calls, but I'm sure they've just been busy.

I lost the number, alright?

But the fact is, you have made WWE fun again.  And for that you deserve something.  I guess the WWE Championship, and top spot in the company will have to do.

It's the thought that counts, right?  

For John Cena

'Tis the season for a John Cena heel turn!

You heard me right, Johnboy, the time has finally come for you to embrace the dark side and turn a negative into a positive.

Now, ol' Bleacher Claus has heard all the reasons why he shouldn't give you this gift, everything from jeopardizing your merchandise sales to harming your image with the younger fans who love you.

But rest assured, John, those fans will be left in very good hands with many Superstars, namely the guy that you've been endorsing for so long, Zack Ryder.  He's all of the fun that you like to have, without the constant need to prove how tough he is, and how much he loves people for hating him.

There's just no drama with Zack, John old buddy.

So while your ever-expanding, or morbidly-dwindling fanbase (depending on who you believe) tells you it's a bad idea, just focus, and remember that Bleacher Claus knows best.

Who do you think gave you your push to begin with all those years ago?  By the way, STILL waiting on that thank you card.

It's time to start spitting hate and breathing fire like you used to. Get back to what made you relevant in the first place, and when you get over as the biggest heel WWE has ever seen, remember that you have Bleacher Claus to thank for it!

Don't forget the thank you card this time.

Merry Christmas!