Kyle Orton: 5 Reasons Why the Lord of the Rings Would Want Him

Over the past week, NFL QB Kyle Orton has been a hot point of discussion. Analysts took a look at where he would land and how he would fit into said system. In only a matter of hours after he was released from the Denver Broncos, that question was answered when Orton signed with the AFC West divisional rival Kansas City Chiefs.

As a sportswriter, I often find myself in sports bars, listening to all kinds of sports debate, ranging from amateur to astute.

While watching Jay Cutler, another former Broncos QB, get clobbered against the Chargers last week, I had the great opportunity to hear yet another epic yet inebriated sports debate.

“Why would the Lord of The Rings want Kyle Orton?” was the question posed by the unidentified fan.

At first I laughed it off, but after time passed I began to genuinely ponder why, and where, would Kyle Orton fit into the J.R.R. Tolkien fantasy series. So here are the five reasons why Kyle Orton could be headed to Middle Earth.

5. Kyle Orton Has Size and Vision

Simply put, Kyle Orton is tall. Frodo Baggins, at barely over four feet in height, is an unlikely hero.

So wouldn’t the 6’4”, 225-lb quarterback from Purdue be a more viable option?

Kyle Orton’s size makes it easier for him to spot Dark Riders and Orcs from a distance or even a pass rush for that matter.

4. Gimli the Dwarf Could Provide the Pass Protection Orton Sorely Needs

Kyle Orton isn’t the most mobile quarterback. And so, Gimli the dwarf could provide Orton with the pass protection Orton sorely needs.  

During his stints with the Chicago Bears and Denver Broncos Orton didn’t receive much help from the offensive line in the passing game.

But with the axe-wielding dwarf in front of Orton, he just may have enough time to complete a few passes.

3. Kyle Orton Can Launch a Deep Attack

Like Legolas the elf, Kyle Orton is known to burn his opponents with an aerial attack.

With Orcs’ tendencies to crowd the line of scrimmage, Orton would surely torch their pass defense.

Additionally, Orton’s ability to pass could curtail the tiring and long journey it takes to move the ring on the ground.

With a few quick strikes, Orton would be tossing the ring into Mount Doom soon enough, just as long as he avoids turnovers.

2. Sauron's Ring of Power Would Have Little Control over Orton

Kyle Orton would be unaffected by the mystique of the One Ring.

Super Bowl rings are flashier than Sauron’s simple gold band design, and to date Orton hasn’t been lured into taking one from the grasp of his opponents.

Unlike Frodo and Gollum, Orton is clearly unaffected by the lust for power that a ring like this imbues upon the beholder.

Kyle Orton is often criticized for his lack of passion, but in this case, his lack of emotion could save the day.

1. Kyle Orton's Neckbeard Gives Him Mystical Powers

Yes, Kyle Orton is famous for his neckbeard. It may outcast him from mainstream society, but in Tolkien’s writings, beards are commonplace.

Like other mythical heroes, Orton’s hair seems to be the source of his strength.

While sporting the neckbeard in Chicago he posted a 21-12 record as a starter. A clean-shaven Orton came to Denver, and the results were inverted as he went 12-21 as a Bronco.