NFL Power Rankings: Comparing Teams to Holiday Foods

The holidays are right around the corner. Thanksgiving kicks it all off tomorrow. And with the holidays, the NFL season still continues.

With the deadly combination of the NFL and the holidays it is at this time I would like to assess the NFL power rankings by giving each team a holiday food item to represent their positioning within the league.

For the most part, the main courses of a meal represent a better ranking (as they’re healthier for you and come earlier in the meal) and the lesser parts and desserts represent the lower portion of the rankings because they’re later in the meal and often not as healthy for you.

32. Indianapolis Colts: Not Even at the Table

As a winless team, the Indianapolis Colts do not belong at the holiday table. You need a win in order to sit at the table.

Without Peyton Manning quarterbacking the Colts it has been painful to watch this team—especially the offense—operate.

At this point, the Colts should be playing the lead role in the “Suck for Luck” sweepstakes to lockdown Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck. That way the transition to life after Manning isn’t as difficult as it otherwise would be.

31. St. Louis Rams: Lutefisk

Sorry to those of you that love lutefisk, but I cannot stand it. The texture, the taste and the smell—all of it is nauseating.

Similar to how the play of the St. Louis Rams this season. They were supposed to be a team on the rise after the 7-9 performance last year that nearly had them in the postseason.

Quarterback Sam Bradford’s down sophomore campaign has ignited the offense toward its standing in the lower half of the league.

The “Suck for Luck” sweepstakes should not be on the mind of St. Louis fans, so the tough season is more difficult to bear than it is in Indianapolis.

30. Carolina Panthers: Fruitcake

It really depends who’s making the fruitcake and what is in it to determine how good it is on any given day. That’s the way the Carolina Panthers have been this season.

Rookie quarterback Cam Newton should be a front runner to win the Offensive Rookie of the Year award (2,885 passing yards, 12 touchdown passes, 411 rushing yards, and 9 rushing touchdowns).

His team nearly knocked off three of the better teams in the NFC, falling by seven points or less to the New Orleans Saints (7-3), Chicago Bears (7-3) and Green Bay Packers (10-0).

29. Minnesota Vikings: Eggnog

Drinking eggnog is a pleasure for some. For others, it’s a terrible idea. Much like watching the Minnesota Vikings in 2011.

Running back Adrian Peterson continues to amaze all. Defensive end Jared Allen (13.5 sacks) spent much of the season on pace to break Michael Strahan’s sack record (22.5).

But the Vikings are 2-8 and have one of the worst pass defenses in the NFL and a team full of aging veterans.

It is painful to watch this squad suffer through the season it has, but quarterback Christian Ponder gives Minnesota fans reason for optimism.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars: Russian Teacake

They’re Russian, ‘nuff said. Russian does not fit in American football. Nor do the Jacksonville Jaguars have much going for them in 2011 other than their fourth-ranked pass defense (189 yards per game).

Blaine Gabbert has looked very uncomfortable as a rookie quarterback. His struggles combined with the lack of receiving talent on this team have led to the offense leaning on running back Maurice Jones-Drew.

Coach Jack Del Rio’s seat in Jacksonville has to be hot and will be hotter after the team finishes this poor season.

27. Arizona Cardinals: Christmas Cookie

Looking at Christmas cookies gets many excited. With fancy frosting designs and cool Santa Claus shapes, they look tasty and delightful.

That was the Arizona Cardinals with Kevin Kolb under center throwing to Larry Fitzgerald. It hasn’t worked out that way.

Kolb has struggled mightily, giving way to John Skelton. Now the Cardinals are primed for a top-10 pick since they can’t score and can’t stop anyone.

Cardinals fans are wishing they could undo the deal that gave up their No. 1 cornerback and a second-round draft pick for Kolb about now.

26. Washington Redskins: Fudge

It was sweet at the beginning of the season when the Redskins started out 3-1. As it stands now, it’s been a painful year. Much like when you eat too much fudge—enjoyable at the beginning, painful at the end.

The offense is without a true leader under center as neither John Beck nor Rex Grossman proved themselves viable NFL starters. The defense has its moments where it looks like one of the better units in the league—it is 10th best against the pass (221.4 yards per game).

Come year’s end the Redskins will find themselves drafting in the top 10.

25. Miami Dolphins: Gingerbread Cookie

Delicious, but short lived, gingerbread cookies are. The Miami Dolphins acquired Reggie Bush in the offseason to go along with Brandon Marshall out wide. They were sweet, but the result hasn’t been healthy.

The quarterback position has been a mess, making it impossible to find a rhythm.

Defensively the Dolphins can stop the run but not much else. They started out 0-7 but have gone 3-0 in their past three games (all against non-playoff teams).

At the end of the year, Miami will pick in the top seven of the 2012 NFL Draft.

24. Cleveland Browns: Pumpkin Pie

Pumpkin pie is nowhere near nutritious, much like the Cleveland Browns. Not much was expected from this season for the Browns and not much has become of it.

They have the No. 1 pass defense (166.5 yards per game) but other than that the run defense, pass offense and rush offense are all ranked in the 20s.

Colt McCoy has shown some bright spots, like his 350-yard performance against the Tennessee Titans, but it’s difficult for him to be successful given the receivers he has to work with.

The Browns will finish the season with an early double-digit selection in the 2012 NFL Draft.  

23. Seattle Seahawks: Candy Cane

The candy canes don’t catch too many people’s attention. They go about their business as a decoration or a mediocre delight.

The Seattle Seahawks are a mediocre delight.

Acquiring Tarvaris Jackson and wide receiver Sidney Rice from Minnesota was supposed to rejuvenate the offense—at least the Seahawks front office felt so—but that hasn’t happened.

Running back Marshawn Lynch has been on a tear of late with three touchdowns in the past three games and 88 yards or more per game, including two games with 100-plus yards.

With the 49ers at 9-1 the Seahawks can’t win the NFC West this season at 7-9.

22. Kansas City Chiefs: Pecan Pie

Tasty but not healthy, pecan pie is. You’re not going to go anywhere with a diet of pecan pie. Just like the Kansas City Chiefs in 2011.

The Jamaal Charles ACL injury has hurt. But with a defense that can’t stop anyone (only one game with less than 20 points allowed) and inconsistent play from the quarterback position it is tough to be successful in the NFL.

Only one of the Chiefs’ wins came against a team with a .500 or better record.

21. Tampa Bay Bucanneers: Fried Chicken

Research showed me that fried chicken was a dish some enjoyed during the African holiday of Kwanzaa. So to those of you, like me, that do not celebrate Kwanzaa, this dish is a surprise on this list.

Much like the struggles of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2011.

The Tampa Bay defense that dominated the late ‘90s and early 2000s is gone. What’s there is a unit that needs help—lots of it. It is 29th against the pass (265.4 yards per game) and 26th against the run (133.5 yards per game). It has held only one opponent to less than 20 points.

In a league driven by the pass, you need to either put up tons of points or stop opposing passing games from moving up and down the field. Tampa Bay hasn’t done either this year, only scoring more than 20 points once.

20. San Diego Chargers: Macaroni & Cheese

With Phillip Rivers quarterbacking, Vincent Jackson at wide receiver and Antonio Gates at tight end this offense was supposed to propel the Chargers into the AFC hunt.

But with Rivers throwing more interceptions than touchdowns (17 to 15) it is tough to win, even when you’re a top-five passing offense (287.8 yards per game).

With a five-game losing streak and only two games left against AFC West foes, this will be a tough ship to turn around after a 4-1 start.

Like macaroni & cheese, this team has talent. As a holiday dish? That's more up in the air. Just like the Chargers' season.

19. Philadelphia Eagles: Burnt Turkey

Everyone gets excited for Thanksgiving. They want their turkey. The day is ruined though, when Aunt Edna burns the turkey and everyone is left gnawing on black meat.

The Philadelphia Eagles were supposed to be up with the Green Bay Packers as a “turkey” type of team. They had all the pieces to suggest a deep postseason run.

Now they’re clawing for their postseason lives at 4-6. With Vince Young under center the team surprised the New York Giants 17-10. Can that magic continue?

18. Buffalo Bills: Yams

They were one of the biggest surprises after they upset the New England Patriots 34-31 in Week 3. As a .500 club the Bills now have a tough road to the postseason but are still a middle-of-the-pack team in the league.

Fred Jackson has been one of the best running backs in the NFL this year with 934 yards rushing (third best in the NFL).

If not for three-straight losses the Bills would be singing a different tune and in a position for a postseason berth. The year is young, but for now, this team is just on the side of everything else going on—just like yams.

17. Tennessee Titans: Peas

Where to begin—peas are very bland. They are what they are. You get what you get.

The Tennessee Titans are what they are. You get what you get and at 5-5 the Titans haven’t been overly impressive. They've been impressive given their low expectations entering 2011 but unimpressive in that they cannot be relied upon.

Chris Johnson has been very flaky in his performance from the backfield and Matt Hasselbeck should show signs of the aging quarterback he is in the final six games of the season.

16. Denver Broncos: Green Beans

The green beans add color to any holiday plate. As do the Denver Broncos add color to the NFL, especially with quarterback Tim Tebow’s unorthodox style of quarterbacking.

Denver has won four of its last five games and is in position to make a run at first place Oakland in the AFC West.

Tebow’s inability to be a reliable source of offense through the air may limit how far this team can go, but the running game is the fourth best in the NFL (154.9 yards per game). Tebow has proven himself a winner time and time again, so it’s difficult to rule Denver out of anything at this point.

15. Oakland Raiders: Cranberry Sauce

Cranberry sauce is a staple for many in their Thanksgiving cuisine. For others, it’s just another item taking up space on the table.

The Oakland Raiders are on that cusp position. They currently hold down the lead in the AFC West but not many would have them as a serious contender in the AFC.

Quarterback Carson Palmer looked much more comfortable under center as a Raider last week against the Minnesota Vikings—but what quarterback hasn’t?

With three games left against teams at 7-3 or better plus two games against AFC West rivals, the Raiders have much to play for in the final six games.

14. Houston Texans: Carrots

Many will ridicule the idea that the Texans are this far down given that they are 7-3 and have a top-five defense. But the loss of Matt Schaub, who’s expected to miss the rest of the season with a foot injury, will hurt this team severely.

The team turns to Matt Leinart at quarterback—who may surprise and show more potential than he showed as a member of the Arizona Cardinals—but until he shows that this team’s record does not represent its position in the power rankings.

13. New York Jets: Salad

It hasn’t been an overly impressive season for the New York Jets. With Super Bowl aspirations after two straight AFC Championship games, this .500 team has disappointed.

It’s like a salad. It’s there, but it isn’t overly impressive.

Quarterback Mark Sanchez has been up and down. The running game hasn’t produced like it has in the past. With the injury bug biting some in the AFC, the Jets might still have a shot at the postseason—especially with one team above .500 left on the schedule.

12. Chicago Bears: Butter

Before Jay Cutler’s thumb injury after he tried to stop a touchdown after the interception he threw against the San Diego Chargers the Bears had themselves in a position to compete with the best in the NFC.

With that injury, that puts Cutler out for the next six to eight weeks, the Bears take a big step backwards—given that Caleb Hanie plays like Caleb Hanie at quarterback for the final six weeks.

Matt Forte is one of the best running backs in the league this season so the pressure will be on him to carry this team without Cutler.

11. New York Giants: Gravy

Not everyone wants gravy with their mashed potatoes. Nor do the New York Giants impress every week.

They have one real impressive win on the season, a Week 9 24-20 nail biter against the New England Patriots, and three bad losses (Philadelphia Eagles without Mike Vick, Washington Redskins and Seattle Seahawks).

Eli Manning leads the fifth-rated passing offense (281.4 yards per game) but a middle of the road defense and marginal running game don’t scare too many.

The Giants will have an opportunity to prove they’re better than what they’ve shown thus far with all but one of their final six games coming against a team below .500.

10. Atlanta Falcons: Corn

Corn is there, but it’s always a sidekick to the main dish. People enjoy it and it’s vital, but the holiday meal could still be the same without it.

The Atlanta Falcons are there, but their true value varies person to person. With Matt Ryan quarterbacking and Michael Turner running the football, the offense is in good hands.

Of Atlanta’s four losses, only one came at the hands of a team not in the postseason if it started today—a 16-13 Week 3 loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

With a defense that is second best against the run (85.4 yards per game) but 26th (254.1 yards per game) against the pass the offense is the strength of this team.

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Bread

Bread always finds itself at the table, but it depends upon the person as to what type of role it actually plays in a meal.

The Bengals have blown their expectations out of the water. Of their four losses three have come against teams rated in the top six of this power ranking.

This was supposed to be a down year. However, with Andy Dalton quarterbacking a youthful offense and the defense cementing itself as one of the better units in the league, the Bengals have found themselves in a position to ensure the AFC North accumulates half of the available postseason spots in the AFC.

8. Detroit Lions: Stuffing

Can’t stop the run. Can’t run the football.

With a phenomenal passing game led by quarterback Matthew Stafford (2,843 passing yards, 25 touchdown passes, and 93.4 passer rating) and wide receiver Calvin Johnson (59 receptions for 974 receiving yards and 11 touchdowns) the Lions can battle through any shootout.

Stuffing is as much part of the holidays as anything, but it’s not an absolute staple throughout, much like the Lions.

We’ll get a great look at what type of legitimate postseason hopes the Lions have with their Thanksgiving day game against the undefeated Green Bay Packers (10-0) and with four of the final six games against postseason teams (as of now).  

7. Dallas Cowboys: Mashed Potatoes

What are the holidays without mashed potatoes? Well, what’s football without the Dallas Cowboys?

Exactly.

The Cowboys have only once looked overwhelmed this season—their 34-7 loss to Philadelphia in Week 8. Other than that, every loss has been by four points or less.

With Tony Romo at quarterback you never know what you’ll get, but with a defense in the top half of the league and an offense led by Romo—who can look amazing or putrid—the Cowboys are a force to be reckoned with.

Two games against the New York Giants in the final six games will determine if the ‘Boys can win the NFC East but it would be a surprise if Dallas wasn’t in the round of six come January.  

6. Pittsburgh Steelers: Ham

The last of the main dishes, the Pittsburgh Steelers have the combination of talent and experience that make them one of the best teams in the NFL.

Ben Roethlisberger has been to three Super Bowls, won two of them and is again having a solid season. He’s quarterbacking the No. 7 passing offense (273.2 yards per game) and has a top 10 rush defense (No. 6, 96.9 yards per game) and pass defense (No. 3, 183.2 yards per game) to back him up.

The Steelers are still one of the best teams in the NFL and will be a player to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl.

5. Baltimore Ravens: Roast Beef

Defense defines the Baltimore Ravens as it has since at least 2001 when they defeated the New York Giants in the Super Bowl with defense.

Baltimore is in the top 10 against the pass (No. 7, 211.3 yards per game) and rush (No. 5, 93.2 yards per game). Roast beef isn’t the No. 1 main course when one thinks of the holidays but that doesn’t mean it is not delicious.

Coach John Harbaugh has the Ravens in a position to compete for the best record in the AFC as well as the opportunity to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl.

4. San Francisco 49ers: Beef Brisket

With the second best record in the NFL, only one game behind the Green bay Packers, you might expect the 49ers to be higher up on this list.

I’m skeptical yet. I believe many people share my concerns. Beef brisket is enjoyed by many, but not by all—just like the 49ers.

They have a phenomenal defense, led by linebackers Patrick Willis (85 tackles) and NaVorro Bowman (95 tackles).

Alex Smith at quarterback just doesn’t get me excited about the 49ers. Two of the next four games are against the Pittsburgh Steelers and Baltimore Ravens. That will give us all a better opportunity to judge Smith and the offense.  

3. New England Patriots:

Pot roast is a classic main dish for the holidays, and the Patriots have been a classic competitor for the Super Bowl since they won it in 2002.

With Tom Brady under center, the Patriots always have an opportunity to win. Regardless of the quality of the defense (32nd against the pass, 13th against the run) Brady can keep a team in any game with his ability to rack up points in bunches.

Bill Belichick has proven himself an excellent coach, especially in the postseason, regardless of how the regular season went.  

With no teams over .500 left on the schedule, New England should put itself in a position to be the AFC representative in the Super Bowl.

2. New Orleans Saints: Prime Rib

Experience. High-powered offense. Hard-hitting defense.

With coach Sean Payton and Drew Brees at quarterback and a middle-of-the-pack defense that knows how to hit, this team could win the Super Bowl for the second time in three years.

The offense can score on any defense in the league as demonstrated by its 40 points posted against the Houston Texans in Week 3—the Texans are No. 2 against the pass and No. 4 against the run.

The defense is 19th against the run and the pass and the offense is among the best in the NFL (No. 1 passing unit and No. 13 rushing).

After the bye the Saints have a real make or break stretch with four of their five opponents with a .500 record or better.

1. Green Bay Packers: Turkey

This team is the cream of the crop in the NFL this season. When it comes to the United States, there isn’t a more synonymous food item with the holidays than turkey.

It is the epitome of Thanksgiving and a great main dish that can be served at any celebratory dinner.

Many have projected an undefeated season for the Packers, and with Aaron Rodgers navigating the No. 3 passing offense it could happen.

The defense has faltered as of late, but with a strong rush defense, the Packers defense is good enough to win a championship given the strength of its offense.