Week 16 NFL Picks: Can Anyone Stop Ray Lewis (From Dancing)?

Baltimore at Dallas (-4)

Glad the Saturday games are back.  I didn’t know what to do with myself last week with no college or pro games.  I almost went Christmas shopping with my wife.  I said, almost.

How old does Ray Lewis have to be before he stops his seizure dance?  It’s like a cross between an epileptic fit and the Elaine dance on Seinfeld.  I think I’d rather hit the clubs with Plaxico before going with Ray Ray.

Like most of you, I always disliked Cowboy fans but hearing them boo TO last week gave me a new found respect for them.  I have a feeling it won’t last.  Anyway, this Ray Lewis defense has been one of the best ever over a 10-year stretch, but it’s always been vulnerable to a good passing game and Romo looks confident again.  Cowboys.

Pittsburgh at Tennessee (-1.5)

Is Pittsburgh the luckiest team in the NFL or just the luckiest?  As with most things, it’s probably a little of both.  Don’t be mad Steeler fans, the luckiest team usually wins the Super Bowl.  You know, like that year you got all those ridiculous calls against Seattle.

I saw Jeff Fischer at the Montana-James Madison division II playoff game last Friday night on ESPN2.  So he travels all the way to Harrisonburg, VA just to watch this game?  I like football, but c’mon, get a life.  Of course, I had James Madison giving 11.5, talk about get a life.  Steelers.

Buffalo at Denver (-7)

Tough loss for Buffalo last week, but you just hope something good comes out of it.  Like how the bombing of Pearl Harbor lead to that great movie.  Sometimes I wish Ben Affleck actually was there at Pearl Harbor in 1941.  And he fought for the Japanese.  And he was a kamikaze pilot.

Denver can clinch the division with its ninth victory.  John Elway must be turning over in his car dealership.  Cutler continues to claim he’s got a stronger arm than Elway, so the Yankees just offered him $140M for four years.  He has to decide by Christmas or they’ll offer an additional $50M.  Bills.

Cincinnati at Cleveland (-3)

Battle of Ohio and you’ll hear a lot of stupid jokes how neither of these two teams are the best football team in Ohio, referring to Ohio State.  Those people are idiots, either of these teams would kill the Buckeyes by five touchdowns.  Just want to make that clear, because a moron told me the other day that the Florida Gators could beat the Detroit Lions.  Of course, you can’t prove that, but you can make a mental note not to sit near that guy at the bar again.

How sad is it to sit in the dog pound now?  Do they still bark and dress like dogs or did they stop a few years ago when they looked around at each other and said “what’s the point?”

Both these coaches trying in vain to save their jobs, each fan base rooting for their team to lose for the draft pick and Vegas not knowing how to handicap it, so it just gives three points to the away team.  With two bad teams, always take the points and road team, they’ll be happy to see the other team booed for once.  Bengals.

New Orleans at Detroit (+7)

Needlessly, the Saints got 10 days to prepare for this game.  It must be strange for the coaches to watch so much film on Detroit only to realize that everything you run on these guys works.

Give Detroit credit, they were tied with the Colts in Indy in the fourth quarter and they covered the last two weeks.  Would’ve loved to see who Manning would blame if they lost, probably his linemen, that’s how he usually does it.  Saints.

Atlanta at Minnesota (-3)

Falcons continue their amazing run with Matt Ryan.  Wow, it’s almost as if people realize they’re in the National Football League.  Can you name five players and their head coach?  Just kidding, that’s a trick question.  No one can.

Tavaris Jackson is a blind squirrel.  You know the theory that even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.  Tavaris found his acorn last week with four TDs.  Now, I’m not saying he couldn’t find another acorn, but it’s more likely he’ll find an underrated Falcons defense.  A defense that hates squirrels, especially blind ones.  Falcons.

Miami at Kansas City (+4)

Miami fans are upset Pennington didn’t get the pro bowl pick.  I noticed on fan sites that Dolphin fans call Chad, Penny.  That’s the difference right there between New York and Miami, no one ever called him that in New York.  Anyway, I think it’s telling that their most effective offensive play is when he’s not playing QB.  Hey Dolphin fans, they invented the Wildcat because Penny can’t get the ball in the endzone.

Herm, covering like a champ last week and blowing the game like a chump.  He’s the best.  They keep losing and covering, I think the Chiefs should consider this when deciding to fire him.  The Chiefs’ GM quit this week, I think for hiring Edwards.  I wonder who will be next to go.  Chiefs.

San Francisco at St. Louis (+5)

San Francisco still playing hard for Singletary while the Rams scan the blogs wondering who their new coach will be.  I think Singletary deserves the Niners’ job, but it doesn’t fit.  San Fran is a finesse team, it’s a finesse town, Singletary needs to be in a tough town like Chicago.  Baltimore and Pittsburgh are also tough towns with tough teams.  Miami, on the other hand, is another finesse town, just ask Penny.  Niners.

Philadelphia at Washington (+5)

That tie with Cincy seems like ancient history.  Now Philly phans can’t decide if they should be happy they might make the playoffs or angry because now they can’t get rid of Andy Reid.  Which do you think they’ll choose?  I’m putting all my money on angry.

Dan Snyder is already eyeing Cowher to replace Zorn and is going to throw silly money at him.  For those who don’t know Redskins owner Dan Snyder, he is a shorter, more insecure, less likable and less successful version of Jerry Jones.  That reminds me, I have to change his Wikipedia bio.  Eagles.

Arizona at New England (-8)

Arizona’s first home playoff game coming up and still no one takes them seriously, including themselves.  This team is so used to mailing it in at the end of the year, they’re doing it again.  Bad loss last week and now they are sitting six starters for this one.  Did the Giants teach you nothing last year about playing all out through the end of the season even in “meaningless” games?!

Starting with the Cards, we’ll have the most road favorites in playoff history this year.  There’s a chance that all four home teams in the first round will be dogs.  Does this show us that going from six to eight divisions was a mistake?  Probably.

Pats fans are already moaning about going 11-5 and not making the playoffs.  Believe it or not, they feel cheated.  Yeah, I think we can relate.  They might want to choose their words more carefully.  Patriots.

San Diego at Tampa Bay (-3)

The Chargers leave balmy San Diego and travel to balmy Tampa Bay.  If players had a choice, do you think they’d choose to play for a city with warm weather and a laid back fan base or a cold weather city with a passionate fan base?  You’re right, I don’t care either.

Norv is really doing a great job this year.  With no major injuries, playing in a terrible division and a little luck, he could get these guys to 8-8.  And he’s never even mentioned for Coach of the Year.

I don’t know if the Bucs have a home field advantage.  I know they have a pirate ship that takes up way too much room.  Who OK’d that anyway?  Do you think the owner sat down for the first game and looked into the endzone and said “WTF?”  Chargers.

NY Jets at Seattle (+5)

Jets barely escape with a win last week while Mangini delays calls for his head.  But the Jets have to remember that weaseling wins is what all good teams do.  Just look at the Colts and Pats recent history.

Holmgren’s last game in Seattle.  Do you think the fans get misty-eyed about you leaving when you’re 3-11 in the worst division in football?  Jets.

Houston at Oakland (+7)

Impressive wins by the Texans recently, would be more impressive if these games mattered.  What can you do as a Texans fan, be excited about Sept 2009, we could be dead by then.  Hate these late season runs by teams that are out of it.  It’s like having the best practice swing in golf.  I’m not impressed Houston.  At all.

The Raiders got embarrassed at home last week.  Actually, is there anything that really embarrasses this franchise at this point?  Texans.

Carolina at NY Giants (-3)

Number one seed on the line.  The Panthers are playing the best football now.  Great running game, great defense, big play big game receiver, very good coach.  So how come no one is picking them?  Because they play in Carolina and no one wants them in the Super Bowl. 

Not again, last time they were in people went crazy, Justin Timberlake tried to rape Michael Jackson.  Or was it the other way around?  Anyway, Goodell, the CIA and the mainstream media are not going to let that happen again.

I just hope it’s really cold in the Meadowlands because I want to see Coughlin’s face turn purple again.  That was morbidly fun last year.  As for the game, Carolina has ugly losses on the road this year and Brandon Jacobs is back.  Giants.

Green Bay at Chicago (-4)

Packers could go down as one of the best 6-10 teams in the history of the National Football League.  Sorry Packer fans, you must have created some bad karma in the off season.  Think about it, it will come to you.

So you’re one game back, Kyle Orton’s your QB, and you’re about to play your division rival whose season is over and they plan to take out all their frustrations in this game.  How confident are you?  Packers.