NFL Week 15: Letters to the League

To: Ed Werder

Re: It's good for business!

Late last week, you were in the top 10 on Google trends. You've since dropped out of the top 100. Now people are just searching for things like "cat dancers," "grumpier old men," "French pot ice cream," and "milf from real chance of love."

It's been a while since I've seen a reporter become as much a part of the story as the players he's reporting on.

But if I were you, I wouldn't park anywhere near the Cowboys' training facility.

To: Jim Zorn

Re: Sympathy vote

Jim, calling yourself the "worst coach in America" now, are you? Just because you say what other people may think does not make them think it less or favor you more. There's no such thing as reverse-Jedi-mind-tricks.

Your team has fallen apart. I guess this is the kind of thing that happens when you swear that your plays and schemes are just fine and the only problem is the execution of said plays and schemes by your players.

I heard on Monday you said, "I need to check my plan of attack."

You think?

To: Monte Kiffin

Re: Head start

Instead of game planning for Carolina and Atlanta's running attacks, were you getting a jump-start on the gig with your boy by scouting the state of Florida?

To: Dick Jauron

Re: So close

J.P. Losman running with the ball is not a good idea.

Losman running with the ball when you have a lead, only needing to burn the clock, is not a good idea.

J.P. running with the ball when Lynch was getting the job done is not a good idea.

Surely you noticed it, but Lynch had 17 yards on the four prior plays.

I almost feel bad for you. One winning season in your nine-year head coaching career. Another looked so promising after that 5-1 start.

But I don't feel bad because Losman was running when it was clearly not a good idea.

I do feel sorry for that referee though. The one that got hammered in the middle of that play. Much like you and your career, he continued on, blood gushing from his nose and all.

To: Walt Coleman

Re: Overruled

Define "indisputable."

As far as I know, there's a difference between a touchdown catch and an inbounds catch.

While you're at it, define "inconclusive."

To: Rod Marinelli

Re: The love of one's own excellence

Define "proud."

To: Arena Football

Re: Bear market

Consider this a blessing in disguise.

The NFL is the only football that matters.

And yes, soccer, I'm also talking to you.

To: Brett Favre

Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Eh

You've got Losman to thank for that one.

The Bills gift-wrapped that one for you. Or you stole it, depending on how you look at it.

Speaking of stealing, Vernon Gholston is doing just that. The sixth overall pick should at least dress out for games.

To: The West Coast teams

Re: Can't make the grade

Using the phrase "there's something in the water" out there is almost too predictable.

The two division-leading teams out there are 8-6. That's good enough for third place in every other division except the NFC North. You'd be tied for second there.

Arizona, you couldn't have looked any more uninspired.

And Denver, if San Diego comes back to take the division, well...that pretty much sums it all up right there, doesn't it?

To: The New York Giants

Re: Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell

Don't worry, I have nothing to say about Plaxico.

You lost in Week 15 last year as well, scoring 10 points against the Redskins, who were fighting for their playoff lives. Your offense was struggling then also.

A good plan to repeat as Champs is NOT to try to enter the playoffs exactly as you did last year.

That's not what it means to repeat.

To: DeMarcus Ware

Re: Rackin' up the sacks

Good job! 3.5 sacks from Strahan's single-season sack record.

I doubt the quarterback you'll be facing when you break that record will lay down for you.

I always wonder if Strahan has any animosity towards Favre for that.

It'll probably be much sweeter to actually earn it.

To: ESPN on-air directors

Re: Clever

I loved all the little cheap shots last week.

During the interview with Drew Rosenhaus in the days following the Terrell Owens catastrophe, as Rosenhaus spoke glowingly of T.O.'s calm attitude and patience, you guys were showing the clips of Owens yelling and screaming on the sidelines in Pittsburgh.

And then, as if that weren't enough, on Friday's edition of SportsCenter, you listed the top 10 Heisman winners who were great in the NFL. The dude actually said something like, "off-field issues aside, O.J. Simpson was a terror on the field."

Yes, "terror on the field" is the exact quote.

I'm wondering if that was actually written or if that was just a slip of the tongue.

To: Jessica Simpson

Re: Love is a many splendored thing

Jessica, you should be worried about Tony.

I heard from T.O. and some anonymous players that he and Witten have a relationship unlike any other.

T.O.'s jealous, and perhaps you should be too.