Big Ten Football: Coach Power Rankings Through Week 5

The Big Ten boasts a bevy of coaches.

There is the longest tenured coach in the NCAA along with three coaches new to the conference this year.  

There is an interim coach and a coach that probably came out of the womb on the hot seat.  

There are program heroes who have come back to lead the team to glory and rival players grown up to take over another team.  

Some are bland, some are perpetually angry, some love water-sports, and some look like they never play sports.  

And Danny Hope has one helluva mustache.

How do they measure up?*

Let's run through the coaching power rankings and see just who is outcoaching whom in 2011.

*(By height?)

12. Luke Fickell

Don't agree with me, Ohio State fans?

I didn't think so.

Fickell may not coach the worst team in the conference (that would be Jerry Kill, fighting in vain to put out the dumpster fire that is burning where his team used to be).

However, no one has done less with more than the soon-to-be-one-year interim coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes.

Ohio State has already lost two games, and the team looked completely helpless in both.  Two games have featured under 210 yards of total offense from the Buckeyes, and in those games, the team combined for 13 total points.  If it weren't for a touchdown in the final seconds against Michigan State, OSU would have gotten shut out at home for the first time in 30 years.

Yeah, the defense is solid, but that isn't surprising with the level of talent on that side of the ball.  What is surprising is that offensive coordinator Jim Bollman can't cobble together an offense that can consistently gain 300-plus yards of total offense.

Try to enjoy the job while it lasts, Luke.  You aren't long for this position.

11. Jerry Kill

This isn't Jerry Kill's fault.  God knows the man puts everything he has into the game of football.  He coaches despite a condition that leaves him vulnerable to seizures at any time, he tries to build some sort of winning atmosphere at a place that just had to deal with being severely Brewster'd and he does it all with a hard-nosed approach that doesn't accept excuses.

However, there is only so much one man can do.  Minnesota is just downright bad.  After playing USC surprisingly close in the opening week, Minnesota has lost to: 1) a team from New Mexico (yes, that's universally bad), 2) an FCS team from the Dakotas, 3) Michigan by 58 points in a shutout, and (as I type this) 4) Purdue by 35 (it is currently 45-10 after a Minny kick-return TD).

For effort I give Jerry Kill an A.  For perseverance I give him an A+.

For results?  F.

10. Kevin Wilson

Think Kevin Wilson misses Oklahoma yet?

Indiana is a broken team with a losing football culture and a roster filled with borderline Big Ten talent.  At least expectations aren't high.

So far, Wilson's team has fallen right in line.  Disappointing losses? Check: North Texas and Ball State.  Token FCS victory? Check: South Carolina State.  Surprisingly close Big Ten game? Check: Penn State.

What Kevin Wilson is doing at Indiana is going to take time.  That is a program that, unlike Minnesota, hasn't been successful in well over a decade, and hasn't been relevant in the Big Ten title race in even longer.

One win in five tries isn't good, but on the bright side, the Hoosiers could be 0-5.  Thank god for small miracles.

9. Joe Paterno

"But, Penn State is 4-1," you say, and I nod my head.

"But look at that quarterback disaster." I respond.

Penn State is 4-1, but the road is only getting tougher from here on out, and Joe Paterno and the rest of the coaching staff have failed to set the Nittany Lions up to succeed the rest of the way.

Penn State has a bad offense and a solid defense that won't be able to keep the team in games against the middle class of the Big Ten, much less Wisconsin.  Pulling out a nail-biter against Indiana doesn't necessarily mean anything bad, but it certainly shouldn't inspire much confidence.

Not inspiring confidence: the story of Penn State's season.

8. Danny Hope

If this were a Mustache Power Ranking List, Danny Hope would be ranked 1-12, and the slideshow would just be a series of pictures of Hope's majestic lip sweater.

Unfortunately for Danny, this is about football, and his team ain't so good at it.

Purdue has two victories so far this season (and is winding time down on the third), but beating an FCS team never counts for anything, and beating Middle Tennessee State on a blocked field goal isn't much of a confidence builder.

Even worse, losing to Rice on a blocked field goal the next week is nearly as bad as getting pasted by Notre Dame.

However, Purdue is about to have three wins, and is finally almost completely healthy after last year's ACL-ocalypse.

Dare I say there is...Hope for Purdue?  Nah, too cheesy.

7. Pat Fitzgerald

I guess it isn't really Fitzgerald's fault.  Losing Dan Persa last year to an Achilles injury and having that injury hold the Wildcat signal caller out of action until last week didn't  make it easy.  You could argue that without him Northwestern didn't have enough offense to beat Army, and when he left the game Northwestern didn't have enough offense to finish the job against Illinois.

However, you could also argue that for a former all-Big Ten linebacker, coaching a team that gives up over five yards per carry to Army is unacceptable, and that turning around the next game and giving up 391 yards passing to Nathan Scheelhaase is just plain sad.

Either way, Fitzgerald's team has failed to close out games because of defensive lapses, and with his secondary not looking too bright in the immediate future, things could get ugly.

6. Kirk Ferentz

Would you believe it if I told you Kirk Ferentz was the highest paid coach in the Big Ten?

No, no you wouldn't.  But the fact remains that now that Jim Tressel is gone, Ferentz is at the top of the list.  Even more surprising, is the fact that someone always mentions Ferentz's name during a coaching search for something.  Looking for an NFL coach?  Someone in the back of the room is going to whisper "Kirk Ferentz".  Power program --- cough, Michigan, cough --- looking for a coach?  Someone whispers "Kirk Ferentz" from the back of the room.  That someone, is almost certainly Kirk Ferentz's agent.

Ferentz isn't a bad coach, mind you.  He has a 92-61 record at Iowa and two Big Ten championships.

This year is a typical Ferentz year.  Beat a couple bad teams, blow a game Iowa should win, and surprise everyone in a game it looked like Iowa was sure to lose, and stay above .500.  Ferentz is good enough to get a team to eight or nine wins a year and a shot at the conference title every few years.

So far it is undetermined whether this team is "just eight or nine wins" or "possible Big Ten title contenders."

5. Mark Dantonio

Mark Dantonio has a problem.  For a coach that loves old school smash-mouth football, his team is severely deficient at run blocking.  That hasn't been good for his offense, which has played about average despite bringing back starters at every skill position.

Luckily the defense has played very well so far this year and currently holds the top spot in the nation in total defense.

Whether he can keep his team in the Big Ten title hunt for a second straight year or not will depend on fixing the former and keeping up the latter.  When that doesn't happen, such as the Notre Dame game, the Spartans struggle.

This makes Mark Dantonio angry.  So does sunshine, puppies, and Christmas, so it's pretty much a wash.

4. Bo Pelini

They say to never get between a mother bear and her cubs.  They should also say, "never misread underneath coverage and throw an interception to the linebacker in the hook zone."  At least they should have said that to Taylor Martinez before the Wisconsin game.

Bo Pelini is the angriest coach on this list, and after seeing his team get pantsed on national television against Wisconsin, it is hard to blame him.

One Big Ten loss puts Nebraska under the gun in the Big Ten Legend's division, but winning out the conference slate gets the Huskers a probable rematch against Wisconsin.

Let's hope Martinez get's better identifying zone coverage by then.

3. Brady Hoke

Brady Hoke is a coaches coach.

He speaks in vague run on sentences about toughness and physicality.  He likes talking about violence in football and goes to sleep every night counting sheep running off-tackle from the Power-I.

He has also turned Michigan's moribund defense into a unit with a pulse, and not meddled too much with his offensive coordinator once it became clear that the one thing Michigan couldn't do was run the ball from under center (or throw the ball, or catch the ball....)

So far Brady Hoke has done about everything Michigan fans have asked, including piss off the rest of the conference by continuing the ol' "this is Michigan" line of boasting that drives everyone from Happy Valley to Lincoln up the wall.

Look for the rest of the conference to try its best to shut him up real soon.

2. Bret Bielema

Number two?

NUMBER TWO?

Yes, number two.  Bret Bielema has taken an almost perfect offensive machine and kept it running almost perfect.  It is like driving a commercial jet on autopilot: once you get it off the ground it pretty much drives itself as you make smarmy announcements to the passengers and sexually harass flight attendants.

And you know what, that is good enough for number two.  Wisconsin is great, Bret Bielema is happy, and we all better get the hell out of the way.

You've been warned.

1. Ron Zook

If coaching the Wisconsin team to 5-0 is like driving a commercial jet on autopilot, then for Illinois fans, this season has been like riding in the jump seat of a B-29 Superfortress through clouds of flak with the tail on fire, and a crazed maniac in the pilots chair wearing a cowboy hat and screaming "yeeehaaaa." while drowning handfuls of amphetamines with swigs of Schnapps.

So yeah, nobody expected Illinois to make it to this point.  Instead, Illinois is the only thing standing between Wisconsin and the Leader's division title.

Welcome to the Big Ten in 2011: where up is down, red is blue, dogs can talk, and Illinois is for real.

Have a seat, Ron Zook is glad you made it.