College Football's Lunchroom Cliques and Week 5 Predictions

As college football enters October and teams begin to separate themselves, it’s probably for the best that we have a weekend of minimal intrigue, thus giving us time to sit and sift through the drama around the country. Further, between the incessant expansion rumors, polls that tend to skew toward the popular and the general backstabbery rampant among coaches during the offseason, one could argue college football may in fact be more in touch with high school than high school football itself. I give you college football’s finest dozen and their lunchroom cliques:

The Popular

Alabama: Money, looks and a lifetime of privilege to draw on. Sure, Alabama’s diminutive daddy might be, uh, less than endearing, but you’re always willing to put up with a little hostility for the prize of face time with the elite.

Next: at Florida. A good QB will be able to find the occasional openings in the Tide’s defense, and while the Gators are fast, they’re still too undisciplined and too, well, without that good QB to take advantage of those openings. Alabama by 10.

LSU: Unpredictable, crazy, lives on the same street as Alabama and ultimately LSU’s good looks mixing with that unpredictable craziness earn them a spot at the popular table. Also, for what it’s worth, they can be very loud.

Next: Kentucky. So many questions instantly come to mind about this game, most of which revolve around which other game to watch (Texas A&M-Arkansas, Northwestern-Illinois) or whether the Tigers take out their third string before they cover the 30-point spread. LSU by 34.

Oklahoma: Intriguing, has almost always been at the popular table, throws great parties at home, but can be a bit of a wild card as a guest of others. Grandfather’s particularly crazy.

Next: Ball State. Oklahoma by dozens and dozens.

The Cool Eccentrics

Stanford: Brainy, not fully used to being so close to the cool kids, but looked up to by some of the AP kids for their ascension to unforeseen heights of the social order. Also respected by the most popular, as they’re not afraid to keep order through physical means.

Next: UCLA. Last year, Stanford held the Bruins to zero points. This year they will not, but a 41-13 game at the hands of a balanced Cardinal offense doesn’t exactly get the Bruins noticed by the cool kids, either. Stanford by 28.

Boise State: A little smaller than most their age, but savvy in treacherous hallways, and generally represent the meeker kids well around school. The popular kids always seem threatened by their guile, particularly Oklahoma.

Next: Nevada. The Wolfpack are 77th and 101st nationally in opposing QB yards/attempt and rating. Boise State QB Kellen Moore is this week’s opposing QB, and he's eighth and third nationally in those categories. Boise State by 31.

The Varsity Muscle

Wisconsin: Likable meathead mentality, not obsessed with attention, but proudly carry a reputation from previous generations. Similar to Stanford in their belief in restoring physical order, but more relatable to the popular kids than their cool eccentric brethren.

Next: Nebraska. Without a true test, we know less about the Badgers, but enough questions exist about the Huskers (passing game, defensive lapses, road preparedness) that it’s nearly impossible to pick against the Badgers at home under current circumstances. Wisconsin by 10.

Nebraska: Exceedingly polite, gentle giant attitude and a friend to most. With a dad like that, the manners can come and go, but everyone agrees that school’s a better place with Nebraska around.

Next: at Wisconsin. The first real Husker road test happens to be their toughest Big Ten conference opener. Washington exposed deficiencies within all aspects of Nebraska’s defense and Wisconsin should be just as, if not more able to take advantage of Husker miscues in Madison. Wisconsin by 10.

Rich Hangers-On

Oklahoma State: Family money and a remodeled house are a major reason why they’ve shot up the social ladder, but never really seen as a threat to take attention away from the popular kids. Though Oklahoma State is known well around school, they still rely on their older brother to keep them pointed in the right direction.

Next: Off.

Oregon: New money has been spent at will to overhaul the once-irrelevant social status of the chubby Oregon in the corner. This includes excessive spending on clothing and a great, loud house used to throw over-the-top parties for its newly sleek self. Has repeatedly sat at the head of the popular table, but generally doesn’t fit in well enough to stay.

Next: Off.

The Party Guys

South Carolina: Is always near the popular kids, alternates between fun to be around and sad to watch publicly fall apart at big parties. Dad’s also popular, has been around the school for quite some time. Whenever it seems like South Carolina is going to clean up its act and get it together, something always seems to happen to ruin things.

Next: Auburn. It’s anyone’s guess, not if, but how many times Stephen Garcia haphazardly throws it somewhere near a garnet and black jersey that says “Courage” where the last name generally resides. Lucky for the Gamecocks, they can also quickly remove the ball from Garcia’s hands via the best running back in the best conference running through the conference's worst run defense. South Carolina by eight.

Clemson: Loves attention, seems poised every first day of school to be popular, but as everyone else begins growing up, Clemson publicly embarrasses itself wildly in the cafeteria in front of everyone midway through the school year. So much…potential.

Next: at Virginia Tech. Clemson with momentum is generally terrifying, as it means to abandon all hope that the Tiger train keeps rolling. There’s a ton to love about the Tigers’ electric, fast-paced offense, but going on the road for the first time in Blacksburg against a brick wall of a defense will ultimately mean Clemson struggles to find consistent rhythm in their offense. Virginia Tech by six.

Texas A&M: Nobody’s really sure who invites Texas A&M places, but they always show up and bring too many dudes with them. Constantly trying to sit at the popular table without anyone noticing, but people always notice. People seem simultaneously impressed and uncomfortable with how much Texas A&M likes rocking back and forth at parties while singing songs with their dude friends.

Next: Cowboy Classic in Arlington, TX vs. Arkansas. Both teams come into the game let down after disappointing losses last week to highly ranked teams, with especially bad second-half offensive performances. In cases like this, the tie generally goes to the team that can use the run game to get back into an offensive rhythm. Tie goes to the Aggies. Texas A&M by four.

Remember, though, this is high school and at any point, disaster could strike the popular and a wallflower could hit a growth spurt, get their braces off, lose some baby fat or finally find the right acne medication and ascend to unforeseen levels. As always, expect chaos.

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.