All the President’s Men: A Cabinet of College Football Coaches

Sports has long been the sanctuary for the hard working American. Sports are an escape from the grind of daily life—our jobs, our troubles, and the troubles of the world. They have stood as a sanctuary away from the real world.

In this past presidential election however, politics clamored into the sports arena with the greatest force seen since perhaps the 1936 Summer Olympics in Nazi Germany.

Candidates in the previous election recognized a massive voting bloc in this country that tends to go untapped. Whether it was the candidates on Monday Night Football or Sarah Palin dropping a puck at a hockey game, the political world was unabashed about its invasion of sports.

Players came out in support of candidates in record numbers; even pushing some teams, like the Cleveland Browns, to put a gag order on political discussion in the locker rooms.

Now that the election is over, I and many of my fellow sports fans were expecting to be rid of politics (at least for four years). Unfortunately, we were sadly mistaken.

In a recent 60 minutes interview, president-elect Barack Obama claimed that he would “throw his weight around a little bit” to get a college football playoff system enacted.

I, for one, am tired of politics in my sports, and thought that it would only be fair to turn the tables. If politics can intrude in sports, let’s take sports to politics and return the favor.

Since Obama is so interested in college football, why don’t we take a look at his potential cabinet… on the sole condition that he must pick from college football coaches.

1. Secretary of State – Bobby Bowden (Florida State)
If there is a face of college football the last thirty years, it has probably been Bobby Bowden. Few college football coaches have ever been as liked or respected as Bowden. He always speaks his mind and he’s friendly to a fault – a perfect representative of college football.

2. Secretary of the Treasury – Phillip Fulmer (Tennessee)
We need a Secretary of the Treasury who understands the current financial crisis. In Phillip Fulmer, we have an insider. No one better understands the current bailout and golden parachute situation than Fulmer, who will be paid 6 million dollars at the end of the season to stop coaching. Also, is there any way that Phillip Fulmer is former Republican presidential candidate, Fred Thompson’s long lost brother?

3. Secretary of Defense – Frank Beamer (Virginia Tech)
Frank Beamer truly is the master of the defensive game. His success in defensive turnovers and special teams has made the term “Beamer Ball” an everyday phrase in college football.

4. Attorney General – Steve Spurrier (South Carolina)
When it comes to quarterbacks, Steve Spurrier is the prosecuting attorney, the judge, and the jury. He has an impressive conviction rate, having only coached one college quarterback that he never pulled out of a game. This year, Spurrier has tried three different QB’s at South Carolina.

5. Secretary of Agriculture – Chris Peterson (Boise State)
Every year Peterson somehow manages to grow nationally recognized Boise State teams from the barren recruiting soil that is Idaho.

6. Secretary of Transportation – Nick Saban (Alabama)
Saban has travelled the college football landscape like few others. He’s been the head coach at Toledo, Michigan State, LSU, and Alabama. He enjoyed success at all four schools and is currently challenging for his second national championship.     

7. Secretary of Energy – Mike Leach (Texas Tech)
The media loves Mike Leach because of his energy and great sound bites. A 64 team playoff? Who knows what he’ll say next.

8. Secretary of Education – Charlie Weis (Notre Dame)
Things are not as they should be at South Bend, but Notre Dame still has the highest graduation rate among BCS college football teams.

9. Secretary of Veterans Affairs – Joe Paterno (Penn State)
After 59 seasons on the Penn State coaching staff, Paterno (81) was the runaway favorite to represent the veterans.

10. Secretary of Homeland Security – Bob Stoops (Oklahoma)
No one defends home field like Bob Stoops and Oklahoma. Stoops holds the best home winning percentage among BCS coaches with a staggering 59-2 record at Memorial Stadium.