Top 10 Most Awesomely Atrocious Mustaches in Wrestling
Porn stars from the '70s and guys with white vans are not the only dudes who know who to rock a killer 'stache.
Wrestling has a multitude of men who've made unfortunate decisions with their razors.
A goatee or beard are both normal, acceptable looks. For some reason, the mustache left to fend for itself is creepy.
I do not include atrocious beards here, so Snitsky, you can rest easy.
Ranging from the horseshoe to push brooms, these 10 crumb-catchers may cause women to cringe and may host any number of parasites. They are the 10 most discomforting, mesmerizing and "sweet" mustaches in wrestling history.
10. Sgt. Slaughter
Compared to the other gentlemen on this list, Sgt. Slaughter's facial hair is, well…classy.
This pencil mustache in the vein of Vincent Price is a well-trimmed centerpiece to his iconic look. The drill sergeant hat, the sunglasses, the mustache—they all work together.
Anyone else rocking this look would have serious trouble making it through airport security.
9. Triple H
Since without facial hair at all, the Game looks like a baby fish, I understand him wanting some whiskers to hide beneath.
His current COO look, ponytail and trimmed beard gives him the appearance of a professional. The Lemmy-inspired mustache however, looks way too much like the biker from the Village People.
8. Magnum TA
Magnum TA's mustache has tasted its fair share of soup.
He scores extra points here because his wrestling name is a direct reference to Magnum P.I. aka Tom Selleck who also made a living off having overgrown facial hair.
The 'stache resides in no-man’s land, halfway between a full-on horseshoe and the grizzled veteran cop look. A hair cut and a shave propels Magnum TA into normalcy quite quickly.
7. Jake the Snake Roberts
Coming in at number seven, Jake Roberts does his best impression of Sam Elliot.
The preferred look of Budweiser drinkers and mountain men everywhere, this bristly strip of bush is certainly not as creepy as carrying a snake around, but it's close.
6. Hulk Hogan
Props to Hogan for taking such a trashy look and making it famous.
If most of us showed up to work with a bleached blond horseshoe mustache (especially over a black beard) we'd be laughed out of the building.
It's his fame and iconic status that manages to distract us from the mustache’s horridness. It's hard to imagine him without it in the way that Mario and Luigi clean-shaven would just be weird.
5. Rick Rude
Despite that furry caterpillar across his lips "The Ravishing One" worked a "sexy man" gimmick. Before a match, when he was gyrating and smirking, all I could stare at was that mustache, even when he had his own face airbrushed across the back of his tights.
I'm sure there are women who find the mystery of not being able to see a man's upper lip sexy. Besides, a "creepy uncle" gimmick would have been far more difficult to pull off.
4. Rick Steiner
While his brother has the ugliest mess of beard you can imagine, Rick happily sported the robber baron look.
The walrusesque 'stache does go with his bulldog persona, I'll give him that.
What lands Rick Steiner so high on the list is the sheer volume of the thing. It looks like a small animal died above his lips. I don't imagine that he ever had a sip of a beverage that he didn't lose at least half of to this monstrosity.
3. Iron Sheik
During a time when the WWE was often cartoonish, it is no surprise that one of the top heels sported the same facial hair shared by any number of cartoon villains.
Would you be surprised if he tied your girlfriend to a train track?
The Iron Sheik gets points here for the slight curve of the tips and the Brillo pad thickness. It is the kind of facial hair you might purchase from a false mustache emporium.
2. Scott Hall
In his earlier days, before he became a Scarface ripoff , before he was spray painting with the NWO, Scott Hall had quite the feather duster.
It's a mustache like this that can have women breaking their ankles trying to backpedal out of your way.
For some of the men mentioned previously on this list, their mustaches were just a part of their look. Scott Hall on the other hand, has no business sporting this fuzzy creature. His mustache is startlingly out of place, like someone backstage thought he looked too normal and slapped a strip of shag carpet on him.
No mere photograph could capture the awesome atrociousness, so I've provided a video. The interview starts at 1:12. Do not stare directly into the mustache.
1. Colonel DeBeers
What exactly is going on here?
The former AWA standout was infamous for refusing to wrestle non-white wrestlers. He may have been equally infamous for that hairy waterslide coming down his face. The weirdest part is how it juts out past his chin like fur spikes.
It takes work to get your mustache to stay like that. Work and some sort of goopy wax substance.
He had plenty of mustache to twirl during interviews. And this wondrous piece of facial hair was most likely the inspiration for the Bernie Brewer mascot.