Week 1 College Football Predictions: Holtzes, Heads and Hamsters

Upon first glance of college football’s Week 1 schedule, you may be less than impressed—this is a completely normal feeling. Now, immediately let all of your reasonable instincts fall away and soak in the very important reasons why you should care about the first Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday of the college football season: 

UNLV at Wisconsin (Thursday)

It’s the debut of Russell Wilson in Madison! How deftly will he hand the ball off left? What about to the right? It’s anyone’s guess! Also, UNLV is comically bad, so you shouldn’t feel bad when you play back the "Benny Hill" theme song in your head while you watch.

Badgers by 30.

UC Davis at Arizona State (Thursday)

Arizona State LB Vontaze Burfict will be let loose in an FCS backfield, and nobody’s questioning anything? I’m not usually one for bloodlust, but I’ll be disappointed if Burfict is without an Aggie head on a pike next to him as he calmly answers questions from a horrified Fox Sports Arizona sideline reporter. Too much?

Sun Devils going away (in poor uniforms).

No. 14 TCU at Baylor (Friday)

"New TCU QB Casey Pachall takes over for Andy Dalton. Baylor QB Robert Griffin III has WORLD. CLASS. SPEED." –Entire ESPN research packet given to play-by-play crew

(Also, Baylor would appear to be a sneaky upset pick at home on a Friday night in TCU’s opener with a new QB, except that Baylor is all too happy to let any willing team run them into the ground. Frogs, it is.)

Northwestern at Boston College 

Northwestern QB Dan Persa, he of seven-pound weight and exploding tendon fame, is secretly nowhere near where he was physically last year. Lucky for Northern Chicago intelligencia, Boston College is naturally inept through the air, branding this game as a perfectly acceptable excuse to fall in and out of consciousness post-Corso and his mascot head tomfoolery.

Oh, and Luke Kuechly. Just…Luke Kuechly.

BC by six. 

South Florida at No. 16 Notre Dame 

HAHAHA Holtzes are involved!

USF (backup) RB Darrell Scott is intriguing because of his initial recruiting attention, but as a rule, "Sulked his way out of Colorado" (my words) is generally not the best item on anyone’s bio. This feels like a game Notre Dame people will overreact to after a comfortable win, so we can all look forward to that!

Domers by two touchdowns.

Minnesota at No. 25 USC 

Despite the (rightfully) positive feelings surrounding new Minnesota coach Jerry Kill (KILL), there’s no way the Gophers keep the game that close as the game nears the end of the third quarter. Howevah…the combination of Kill’s experience running out of the spread (6.2 YPC in 2010 at Northern Illinois) and USC/Monte Kiffin’s general aversion to all things newfangled, a fun first half could be had by all.

By the end of the game, though, expect #HolyCrapDillonBaxter to be trending on Twitter, at least by horrible people watching in Manhattan Beach.

Trojans by a comfortable 24. 

***Quick…Lightning Round!*** 

Western Michigan at Regular Michigan 

QB Denard Robinson runs a new, more conservative offense for the maize and blue. Defensively, Michigan looks to employ a defense. 

Your Wolverines by 20. 

UCLA at Houston 

The Bruins win this going away. Watch for the inflated expectations, stay for the shots of Rick Neuheisel smiling like he’s already been brought back for 2012 (which he won’t be.)

UCLA and their two-headed QB monster by 16.

BYU at Ole Miss 

BYU can stop the run. Ole Miss can pretty much only run. Wild Card: the sundresses in Oxford are technically weaponized distractions in the southern summer heat. Predict at your own risk.

BYU and their shiny teeth by a touchdown.

Fresno State at California 

Pat Hill will play anyone anywhere. Period. Anywhere. Anytime. Anyone. And lose.

Cal by 10.

SMU at No. 8 Texas A&M (Sunday)

Late afternoon Sunday games are always tricky, mostly because they generally don’t exist. Feels like a shootout. Take the 'Stangs and the points.

Ags still win, but by 10.

Miami (Fla.) at Maryland

Don’t laugh, new Maryland offensive coordinator Gary Crowton always has great first years at new schools. Fear the turtle, ignore the uniforms. Also, Miami has 37 eligible players.

***Back to the Action!***

East Carolina at No. 12 South Carolina (Charlotte)

Because of Friday Night Lights, I now exclusively root for directional schools with "East" in their name over any and call comers. Also, the prospect Steve Spurrier and/or Stephen Garcia lashing out after an early upset loss is too exciting not to root for. Throw in an electrified (ECU coach) Ruffin McNeill for good measure, and I’m all in on the Pirates. Bank it! (Please don’t.)

ECU by three! You heard it here! (Seriously, don't bank this.)

Rice at Texas

The debut game broadcast of The Longhorn Network. Texas will mop the floor with the Owls, but the lore of the game will live on for centuries through the oral histories of the 74 people able to actually watch a broadcast of the game. "Sit around children, have a I got a yarn to spin for you…"

'Horns by 24. 

No. 5 Boise State at No. 19 Georgia (Atlanta)

Georgia is down to a combined one-and-a-half healthy/eligible/enrolled running backs, and Boise State’s rushing attack is led by Doug Martin, who involuntarily carries the nickname "Muscle Hamster" with him. When in doubt, side with the team that wins consistently with a muscle hamster.

Expect a back-and-forth game in the first half and then the Broncos to slowly drain the will out of Georgia in the second. And yes, this one’s FOR ALL THE CHICKEN BISCUITS!

Hamsters by a late TD. 

No. 3 Oregon at No. 4 LSU (Dallas)

Oregon will have the two best players on the field in Darron Thomas and LaMichael James, but it’ll probably matter very little. LSU has their own individual talents that will increasingly alter the course of multiple games (CB Tyrann Mathieu should scare everyone by now), but ultimately, much like it was in the National Championship Game, the story will be Oregon’s defense against an SEC offense.

The presence of Jarrett Lee is the biggest LSU storyline going into the game, which should worry anyone who takes pride in the Tigers or the SEC in general. Oregon’s Cliff Harris-less defense will surprise (after a bad first quarter), LSU’s defense will start big before failing to adjust and Oregon wins by seven.

Also, ASU LB Vontaze Burfict will inexplicably appear in the Dallas crowd alongside his UC Davis head pike. Never stop believing Burfict is silently hunting you.

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.