An Irish Fan's Letter to Santa: A Wish List

Dear Santa,

I am writing you this wish list because I think I have been a good boy this year other than the occasional F-Bomb and comments made in jest to USC Trojan fans. Because of this, I think I should be placed on the “Nice-List” and given the gifts I so dream about.

Here is the list of things I would consider:

1.  Please give Notre Dame an offensive line? I ask this because I watched the BC game and while I am not a football guru in any manner, I do believe that an offensive guard should never be bulldozed 7 yards deep into his own running back by one defensive tackle (even if the guy is a stub with the ability to squat a small house).

2. Please give me Rock Band 2 so that I can continue my fantasy of being part of Metallica while in the comfort of my living room (so sans groupies, cocaine, and heavy amounts of alcohol…I guess the first and last parts are optional)

3. Please teach Jimmy Clausen to stop staring at one receiver and one receiver only?

I ask this because it is often clear to me, the opposing defense, everyone in the stands, the Nacho guy, and the Nielsen viewers at home who he is going to throw to before he even completes his drop back. If you cannot do this, can you at least just eliminate the other receivers so that we can remove all doubt who he is throwing to.

Oh, side note, get Jimmy to stop turning around and running away, it is hard to stare at your designated receiver if you are looking in the opposite direction.

4. Please give me that life-size cut out of Marisa Miller I have been asking for now for five years. I understand that it might not fit in your sleigh, but do not pretend that you would not mind looking at that all night long as you deliver your gifts. Oh, and tell Mrs. Claus to relax that Marisa has nothing on her (wink wink).

5. Please let us recruit one of those mammoth D Tackles that eats babies and running backs. You know like a Ted Washington, but in college. That would be awesome. I would just really like to see a running back not get five-plus yards by running up the middle, but instead be swallowed up by a man-beast DT.

6. Please give me the last season of The Office on DVD.

7. Please give Notre Dame fans (most; but definitely not all) some patience (and no, waiting 20 years for a National Championship does not show patience) and a new attitude.

Please get them to stop preaching about the days of Holtz where ND players could bend steel in half and run for 100 yards on every play.

Please bring the wisdom to them that we are in a new era of college football and the full-house backfield combined with the option went out of style along with Guess Jeans and scrunchies.

Please allow them to get over the sense of entitlement they feel. Have them understand that we do not simply deserve to win because we are ND.

Last for the fans, help us all realize that most of us do not have beyond a basic idea of football strategy no matter how many games we have watched, video games we have played, books we have read, or Pop Warner games we have coached (this goes to the dude behind me who kept yelling about Charlie sucking, while referring to  “running it into their guts or “stop trying to scribble kick it” and to most of us ND fans who breakdown the game while we watch it like we have one of the cool drawing things that Madden always plays with.)

8. Please give me cable. God, do I miss watching anything beyond the standard free TV. I would really just like to flip to Discovery to watch Mythbusters or at least a cheetah chasing down a gazelle…you know something cool.

9. Please give Charlie the ability to correct his mistakes so that maybe we do not have to fire him and hire our 5th coach in 20 years. Please allow Charlie the strength to break the self-destructive cycle that is Notre Dame football and allow us to get back into the top tier of teams in college football. 

10. Seriously, bring me the Marisa Miller cut-out…that is truly all I want.

Yours Truly,

Sean

P.S. I will leave you buffalo wings and a cold beverage of your choice as I am sure you are tired of dried up cookies and milk.  At least take the wings home and enjoy them during bowl season.