Dirk Nowitzki Video: Watch Hilarious Ode to the Big German

We all wanted to be LeBron James witnesses. Now, we can’t even see him, especially in the fourth quarter. So forget him.

The Black Mamba? Kobe Bryant is a tamed, caged animal now.

Kevin Durant? Please, he’s still trying to get back to high school with his backpack. Book bags are not cool!

Dwyane Wade? Please, dude is as fragile as my grandmother.

Oh, you still want to be like Mike? Jordan was six-for-six in the NBA Finals, but we finally found our newest hero.

That’s right—everybody wants to be the goofy white boy with long golden locks now! Dirk "The Germanator" Nowitzki took down LeBron, Wade, Chris Bosh and the powers that be in Miami in the NBA Finals to reign supreme over the basketball world.

Now, an unforeseen aura and mystique will surround the foreign superstar. He has cemented his legacy and place in NBA history, and we will now feel his marketable wrath.

Jordan’s flu game? Dirk had a stuffy nose during the NBA Finals!

Wade crashing to the floor every other play? Dirk played with a torn tendon in his middle finger!

Larry Bird’s unblockable shot? Dirk has that covered too—plus he brings up his knee like it’s nobody’s business when he fades away.

That’s right. Dirk is the man atop the NBA now—not LeBron, Wade, Kobe or anybody else. With an MVP, championship, Finals MVP, remarkable career winning record and a killer accent, children everywhere will be dressing like Dirk this Halloween.

Hell, head to the park right now—you’ll see the kids wearing blond wigs practicing off-balance fadeaway jumpers as we speak.

You thought Eminem made people dye their hair blond a decade ago? The craze will be taken to new heights as people grow their hair out to be just like Dirk.

That obnoxious guy in your office who tosses paper into the trash can and yells out "Kobe" or "MJ" will now be screaming "DIRK!" at the top of his lungs.

Drunk men everywhere will be asking ladies at the bar, “Hey, how does my DIRK taste?!”

Yes, the time has arrived. No longer is he just an icon in Germany and Dallas; now he will be a global megastar as the Dirk craze unleashes itself and takes our souls.

We are forever Nowitzkified.

Congratulations, Dirk—you’ve officially arrived.

BE LIKE DIRK.

You know you want to.