WWE Wrestlemania 27: The Grandest Disappointment of Them All

WrestleMania 27. Today the Internet will be no doubt inundated with one piece after another declaring the biggest pro wrestling event of the year to be a massive waste of time and a huge disappointment for fans all over the world.

I’m right there with them.

At this point, I am out fifty-five bucks and left shaking my head. I mean, really, what was the point of the whole thing last night?

The curtain-jerker was Edge versus Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Title.

Let me say that again. The curtain-jerker was Edge versus Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Title. Okay, what? I mean, I believe in starting the event with a bang, but this? When the first thing out of my mouth is a complaint while watching WWE’s annual spectacle, needless to say I am not confident in the rest of the program.

But, I let it go, and focused on the match itself. It was not a bad match, but it wasn’t exactly Flair vs. Steamboat either. Edge retained the championship, and as he stood on the ramp with Christian, who suddenly appeared back beside his partner with a crowbar and a lead pipe, I thought, here we go.

It was my belief that Christian would turn on his longtime tag team partner, and either cost Edge the title, or attack the Rated R Superstar after he retained the belt, perhaps setting up a championship match down the road.

Yeah, neither happened. Okay, so, the first match sort of sputtered out for me. But, shake it off. Moving on.

Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio had a good match, but not a great one, at least not in my estimation. But, it did succeed in giving me some hope for the rest of the event. In fact, I felt a little better about the whole thing. This was a good sign. Not too much disappointment so far.

Then came the big eight-man tag match which did nothing but prove, once again, that all of the effort that went into the whole Nexus storyline, was, in the end, for nothing after. Big Show got the pin quickly after a knockout punch.

Randy Orton versus CM Punk. Good. Here we go. Two of the best workers in the company, squaring off at WrestleMania. Great. Let’s make this happen.

But, you know, it was just okay for me. Maybe I wanted it to be so much bigger than what it was. I suppose I expected a clinic of technical ability on the part of both guys. Instead, Punk seemed to spend the majority of the match working Randy’s leg, and that just seemed to take away from the momentum and drama that could have happened.

Maybe I’m being too critical. I do it all the time. So, in an attempt to forget it, I, once again, let it go. Besides, it’s time for a novelty match. So, who are we looking at, Cole vs. Lawler, or the practical joke featuring a pudgy reality star?

It’s Cole and Lawler, and to be honest, besides Austin’s presence, there really wasn’t a whole lot for me to be happy about on this one either. But, what exactly did we expect from Michael Cole, the second coming of Kurt Angle? Yeah, not really.

When the fans began the “boring” chants, I looked at my friends, with a frown, and proclaimed that this is becoming a little embarrassing. But, Lawler gets the win, as we all expected he would, so, at least they got that right.

But, wait, no, he didn’t.

The ridiculous anonymous GM rears its ugly head, and the decision is reversed, not that I care anyway. Let’s just get to this Snooki crap and get it over with.

The next match is...Undertaker and Triple H.

Hello? What? Are you kidding me? Why….why in the world is this match next?

I stared on in disbelief. This is the main event. I’m sorry, it makes no difference to me that it does not involve a title belt. I could care less. The Game vs. the Streak, and this is NOT the main event of WrestleMania?

It was a great match, as I knew it would be. Both men delivered. It is what they do, as the two legendary workhorses that they have always been. But as the end drew near, and Hunter hit one finisher after another, I saw Taker struggling to get to his feet, with his fists up in defense. I realized that this was perhaps the first time I ever saw Undertaker look…human. It was a surreal feeling.

The end of the match was even more surreal, as the “trainer” insisted on checking Taker’s pulse every five seconds, and even holding his hand above the guy’s mouth, as if checking for breath.

Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous.

But, “ridiculous” soon took on a whole new meaning as the next match is the six person intergender tag match.

Yes, the match that should have been the main event, was, in fact, just a lead in for Snooki’s debut at WrestleMania. Hell indeed, has frozen over.

Yeah, the crowd hated her. And why not? And, though they popped a little when she pulled off those backflips at the end, the fact is, everyone in the building, and watching around the world, is relieved that this sham of a match is over.

Man, that was the semi-main event of Wrestlemania. THAT match. Not Taker and Hunter. No, I was wrong. This will never be over.

So, we come to the main event. Cena and Miz for the WWE Championship.

Both guys have a cute little video package before their entrances, and even though Miz is heel…and Champion, he comes out first. But, I don’t care anymore. God himself showing up in the ring couldn’t make up for the crap I have witnessed thus far.

The choir singing before John’s entrance was booed. Why? Because they were bad? No, because the crowd knew it was in preparation for Cena to hit the ramp.

Again, in an effort to understand what I am seeing, I repeat my thought.

The choir singing before John’s entrance was booed because the crowd knew Cena was up next.

Vince McMahon, this is for you. All jokes aside, forget the criticism heaped upon you and your company. Put it all in the back of your mind, and listen very, very closely to what I am about to say. It’s important.

TURN. CENA. HEEL. NOW.

Oh my God, what more do you need? What are you waiting on? This is the most heat I have heard from a crowd in regards to a baby face since…no, scratch that. I don’t know that I have ever heard this much heat from a crowd in regards to a baby face.

The truth is, if the situation were reversed, and Cena was heel, getting cheered every time he stepped through the curtain, they would have turned him already.

And, please, don’t give me that “he sells so much merchandise, he’s Captain America” nonsense. Either they believe in Orton’s ability to be the top face on RAW, or they don’t.

For God’s sake, turn John now.

But, nothing like that happens on this night, and I really did not expect it to. It would have made too much sense, and nothing has thus far.

By the way, have you ever heard a WrestleMania main event that quiet?

No, you haven’t. Neither have I.

Even Hollywood’s golden boy couldn’t save the day, and though he came down and cost John the belt and gave both guys his lame finishers, by this point I don’t know if anyone cared. The theme of this particular pay per view seemed to have been, 'let’s put The Rock over.'

Well, mission accomplished. They got that part of the plan right, I suppose.

Okay, my time is up. Now, go. Read everyone else’s complaints, and if you find anyone who believes this event was a success, have them committed.

As for me, I will spend my day frustrated, disappointed, and $55 in the hole. Last time I threw away this much money was on a lap dance, and at least she was pretty.

That last bit was a joke. Like this pay-per-view.