Husker Hate Week: Previewing Missouri's Destruction of Nebraska

To start this off, I'm sick and tired of Husker fans using the "We'll win in 2010" shit. Husker fans are like that lame-ass dude at the gym that gives up a pickup game, so he can say that he only lost by 12 instead of getting his ass whomped by 21. Dammit, make it fun.

In a Mizzourah classic, my Husker preview was pretty much exactly this last year. Worked for us then, and I actually overestimated Nebraska! We'll roll with it again.

Husker Hate week culminates less than 48 hours from now. At this moment, I expect every Husker fan at this time to be boarded up in their cellar, basting themselves in Natural Light with empty Skoal cans lying around and beating their wife in anticipation of this loss, all the while somehow not breaking the long ash on their Wildhorse cigarette that is tucked in their puckered, chapped lips.

Their messiah, Sam Keller Joe Ganz, is not coming through on his promise (or at least their self-perceived promises that Husker fan put on him) to come through with the National Championship that they thought they’d have after drinking all the red Kool-aid ever made.

On Sunday morning, Husker fan will wake up, come out of their cellar and realize the destruction that was caused on their team by the Missouri offense and wonder how they can still get to a BCS game by finishing, at best, third in the Big 12 North. The polls will come out across the nation, and two hours later via wiretap, Scottsbluff will receive the news that the Huskers dropped out of the poll. Sadness will ensue and it will be time for Husker fan to step forth in church, stiff the offering plate, and say the blood of Christ is red because he was a Husker fan too, and the reason he took forever to die on the cross was because he was tough and coached by Tom Osborne.

Sunday afternoon will come, and Husker fan will root not for one team, but every Husker to win, which in Husker fan’s mind is possible. A bruised and beaten wife will step into the living room to receive another beating.

Not because her husband’s red Husker shirt has turned a bit pink from the wash, but because the stinging of yet another loss hurts a little more because it was a Big 12 North loss.

Husker fan is bound and determined to keep a marker of the pain on his wife. Her left eye blackened by a swift right, she hold up a bag of frozen corn, which ironically should be the nickname of Nebraska’s defense.

After the swelling subsides in her left eye, Husker fan’s wife will grab him a lukewarm Natty Light and make a run to Bucky’s to get a fresh roll of Skoal. Pulling past the 50-year-old homeless guy that is currently on his shift as the sandwich board for Doral cigarettes, she heads in for his "chaw." But they are out. Tearing up, she shakes in fear as she grabs a roll of Grizzly. As she goes to the cashier, she notices the stack of Omaha World Heralds that happen to be at half price. She picks one up and her sobbing turns into full blown crying. Her tears dampen and run the newsprint. There is no denying that she now has to purchase it. She drives away from Bucky’s crying and her vision blurred, she narrowly misses hitting the homeless again, as the changing of the guard from Doral to Decade sandwich boards is going on.

As her rusted ’85 Trans Am pulls onto the oil-soaked concrete pad of the carport next to their doublewide, she just stares at the newspaper, fearing the worst. She knows that Husker fan will be angry enough with the fact that his "chaw" was out, but she can’t fathom the rage that will become Husker fan after he sees the final score again; Missouri 41, Nebraska 18.

She knows that she’ll get another black eye after seeing that Chase Daniel threw for three TDs and over 275 yards. She knows that her cold sore-covered lips will be busted after seeing Jeremy Maclin, T Rucker, and Tony Temple Chase Coffman, and Sean Weatherspoon all have great games. She can’t imagine the burns that will be on her arms from the thought that the Missouri defense didn’t let the Huskers back in the game.

Check on Sunday morning for the reaction of the suicide rate skyrocketing in Nebraska after the beating the Tigers put down. RMN has a liveblog, which I imagine has to be like blogging an execution. Awesome! I would suggest DXP or Corn Nation to report on the carnage from the red side.You can click HERE to listen via that internet thingy.