Jose and Ozzie Canseco Go All 'Parent Trap' on Us, Prove To Be 'Brothers Dim'

Joseph JonesContributor IIIMarch 28, 2011

Wait. You want me to do what?
Wait. You want me to do what?

Sometimes life just gives you little gifts. 

Jose Canseco is one of those presents life presented us with a long, long time ago and over the last 20 years or so the man has proven to be a gift that keeps on giving.

Adding to his list of less-than-normal activities, Jose Canseco reportedly didn’t feel like participating in a Celebrity Boxing match this past weekend.

However, rather than completely bailing on the event, he stole an idea from the annals of bad television. He opted for the ol’ “twin switcharoo”, went all “Parent Trap” on our asses and sent his twin brother in his place.

I’m pretty sure this is one of those stories that couldn’t be made up.  Won’t guarantee it.  But I'm pretty damn sure.

The mouth-breather failed to show up for the fight against Billy Padden in front of almost 500 paying customers Saturday at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Florida and instead sent his twin brother Ozzie Canseco, according to “Celebrity Boxing” promoter Damon Feldman.

Feldman says he already paid the bad boy of baseball and “Celebrity Apprentice” castmate $5,000 for the fight and that Ozzie Canseco pretended to be Jose and demanded the remainder of his purse, $5,000 in cash, refusing the contractually agreed to payment via check. “Jose” aka Ozzie refused to fight without the money.

Man, I should have made Ozzie come to this thing.
Man, I should have made Ozzie come to this thing.

Feldman says Ozzie, who enjoyed a brief MLB career himself, was only outed after a photographer noticed that he was missing a tattoo on his arm that Jose has.

So the Brother’s Dim didn’t think anyone would notice the missing body ink on the guy stepping into the ring for this event? 

A) I can see a whole lot of thought went into this one, and B) I immediately wondered if Jose had tried to send poor Ozzie in to get his ass beat on his behalf in his MMA debut versus the 7’2″ Hong Man Choi last year.

I know that Ozzie, who has long been overshadowed by his brother's baseball career and zany antics, probably hasn’t been doing much more than crashing on Jose’s couch whilst pulling his best Kato Kaelin ever since he washed out of baseball in the 80′s, but c’mon…this has to be a new low, even for a Canseco.

Once the attempted Scooby Doo-like switch was discovered, Canseco refused to return the money and wouldn’t return phone calls seeking comment.

However, he did post a bunch of stuff “related” to the event on Twitter:

Be very careful with Damon feldman who runs celebrity boxing he will not pay you if you fight for him

Damon feldman will not fulfil his part of the bargain

let’s see who is smart enough to figure out what happened at the boxing match

is anyone out there smart enough to figure it out or are you all a bunch of hateful morons

the truth is always hidden from the public to create villains and heroes which 1 are you truly

seek the truth before reacting

just remember the media is write 20 percent of 50 percent of the time

how can you haters being so ignorant it’s amazing

I am still waiting for an intelligent scenario

First of all, to misspell “right” as “write” in a criticism of the media is either a brilliant example of misdirection or the dumbest thing of all time. Based on this bonehead's career arc I think we all know it’s the latter.

Beyond that, his daring people to “figure out what happened at the boxing match” and later writing “I am still waiting for an intelligent scenario” makes me think Canseco is just hoping someone suggests a scenario so good that he can actually use it as an excuse.

This whole thing reads like a super depressing, down on your luck version of all the kids movies where identical twins switch places with each other at school one day and the teachers never notice a thing as hilarity ensues.

Jose's just living the "surreal life" I guess
Jose's just living the "surreal life" I guess

In this version one twin is being paid $10,000 to get beat up in front of 500 people and the other twin is willing to get beat up in his place for what is presumably less than the full $10,000.

The whole thing falls apart over something as trivial as tattoos, which is maybe the most fittingly pathetic aspect of the entire story.

Talk about your cracked out after-school special!

The brothers Canseco have done this type of switch before for autograph sessions and things of that nature, but one has to wonder if this is the first time these guys have pulled these kind of shenanigans (including Major League Baseball games perhaps?).

“I’ve worked with him before,” Feldman said. “Except now I’ve got to look back at the pictures at the time and look if I ever really met Jose Canseco.”

All things aside in this great big mess I have to say that, honestly, if you’re paying to watch Jose Canseco box, you pretty much deserve to get stuck with Ozzie. 

Seriously, why would you want to go watch the tainted former MVP perform in the ring?

Perhaps the saddest part of this whole freak show that is Jose’s life is the fact that this is the guy that cleaned up baseball.

Prophet or pariah? Sadly, a little bit of both.
Prophet or pariah? Sadly, a little bit of both.

Bud Selig and his merry band of nitwits tried their best to discredit him.

Former players like Curt Schilling took to their blogs and lambasted him. 

Players like Roger Clemens, Rafael Palmeiro, Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire hid behind their representatives and hurled accusation after accusation at the man.

But in the end, Canseco was right.  And they were all so very, very wrong.

There is something incredibly pathetic in that fact.

This article is also featured on You're Killin' Me, Smalls!


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